I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

Agreed, a 21 year old absolutely does know right from wrong when it comes to sleeping with married men.

The guy who was interested in sleeping with me when I was 16 I really liked and admired. Even if he was too old, I'd have been interested in him as a potential partner if he hadn't been married and circumstances had been different. I didn't expect him to be the type to cheat. I was guilty of being naive, but I did know right from wrong. So, when I found out that he wasn't who I thought he was, I lost all respect for him and knew shagging a married man was against my own moral code. That was only more solidified by 21.

Indeed. As if they're going to openly admit that they lie there at night thinking about him having sex with other women, that they have lost weeks of sleep and cried themselves to sleep a hundred times.

And of course it's very likely to be sunk cost fallacy at play too.

Someone who has made the unfortunate choice of staying with a man they can never, logically, trust ever again has to justify it to themselves. It's the only way to live with that mistake.

At best, they have a weaker, sullied version of their marriage pre affair. It can never be as good again, and of course it's never stronger. That's just silly. Like saying if you eat poison and nearly die you'll be healthier for it. You might recover and manage to not dwell on how horrible the poison was, but you're not better off for it.

Some people might manage to be happy enough, I suppose. Impossible to tell. But logic and reality dictates that even if they do, finally, reach a level of happiness it is absolutely never the strong, happy relationship they'd have had without the betrayal.

Just like eating poison, betrayal never improves anything, though it can sometimes be survived.

100% that this is been going on just not a one-off because she wouldn't be wondering where she fit in or so quick to tell OP about the affair. And had probably been going on for a while and he probably told her lies he was going to leave his wife for her.
The way he went to such lengths to block her on his own wife's phone is just malicious. This is not a nice guy who just made an innocent mistake at all. He's a liar and a cheat

Glad that you've managed to speak to some friends. Do speak to others too, you can never have too many people you can chat to .
And it's not surprising that you still love him, you can't turn it off like a tap.
The OW has done you a favour letting you know, that's the only good thing she's done. Don't get hung up on her in particular, she could have been anyone, she wasn't special, apart from she felt flattered by the attention. I bet that he told her you didn't understand, you never have sex, you neglect him etc etc, he probably led her on by letting her believe that he would leave you, and she was naive enough to believe it, when she pushed him she felt scorned. He wouldn't have told you for sure. The only thing that you can be sure of is that everything he says is probably a lie or an attempt at damage limitation. The only relevant thing about that particular woman is that she was 20 and he was in his 30s and that is scummy.
I am not sure I would believe that she was the only one. Even if it didn't get as far as sex he may still have been pursuing other women. I discovered from other people after the big discovery that he'd been after other women for years and done things that disgusted me when I heard about them
Consider counselling for yourself. I'm not sure you'd get anything true from doing marriage counselling with him. The fact that he lied to you that he has done STI testing would be a deal-breaker for me tbh. And lying about everything I til he is forced to tell the truth. And tampering with your phone. And planning to nit tell youWhat on earth could he promise that you could believe he would do
He is unt crying because he's sorry, he has been found out and consequences are beginning to stare him in the face.

I don’t want to say too much about the work situation but he is technically senior to her.

I know I sound weak but I can’t bear the thought of him being with her or anyone else. I also can’t bear the thought of doing Christmas etc without him. I can’t bear the thought of having to explain to DD why mummy and daddy aren’t living in the same house anymore. I just want the man I married back but I know he’s gone now 😢

I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. For some reason, people are EXTREMELY reluctant to blame women for anything these days - young, pretty women, anyway. For example, there have been numerous cases in recent years where a woman has killed her child and got off scot-free, or almost scot-free. That bloody Constance Marten let her baby freeze to death and was only given 14 years, but to be let out after two-thirds of the sentence assuming good behaviour. But she got two years' credit for time served before conviction, so she'll only do an additional eight years. Then there's Casey Anthony in Florida, where the evidence against her was so strong it couldn't be denied and yet the jury couldn't bring themselves to convict her. Another American case was Skylar Robinson, whose baby died because she hid the pregnancy and gave birth in secret, so had no antenatal care. Then she tried to bury the body herself. It's not clear if she killed the baby or not, thanks to her tampering with a corpse. But the lack of care certainly did. AND SHE GOT OFF!

And now we have a rush to absolve a woman YEARS into adulthood from sleeping with a married man who has a small child, because the poor little lamb knew no better.

Why has everyone gone so bloody soft in the head??

No, the OW hasn't murdered anyone, but my point is that I'm seeing a common thread in today's world of a real reluctance to blame women for anything.

I think I might rob a bank. I've got plenty of childhood and adult trauma that would excuse it. 🤬

Why are you bringing up jail cases?

What does that have to do with this thread?

Thats normal sweetie. Dont beat yourself up.

You are grieving. Grieving the life you had, and the man you thought you knew. You are on the journey to acceptance. It takes time. Xmas in future may be different but that doesnt make it bad.

Just dont make any decisions just yet. Make it clear to him that you havent made a decision yet and that any decisions made are your to make and not his. That you will make them you are ready.

Yes, at no point have I said he should not be held most responsible. He's scum. I He'd be a predator, whatever her age, he chases other women and lies about it to his wife who trusted and believed him.

Her brain development isn't pertinent to this situation. If it was a quick, impulse choice, sure maybe, but she planned and executed her choices all along the way. This is a matter of character. At no age would she not have known that pursuing a fuckfest with a married man was unethical. At 21 she certainly knew it was ethically wrong, but made the choice anyway. And then went after the wife when she was spurned. She sounds like a nasty little cow tbh.

I said earlier maybe I'd have gone for it if the married man had pursued me at work when I was that age (I was actually thinking of one particular married man, an accountant at a company I worked for back then, who did use to flirt with me). But, no. I was thinking about it, and I pulled back from his flirting as that's just not in my character. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. It's not my programming.

I have come to believe, from decades of experience, that our character is pretty much immovable. There are some things we will not or cannot do unless our life depends on it. And we are all different in what our boundary lines are. And yes, people really do show you exactly who you are, and you should believe them.

She decided she wanted to make lots of choices that led to her choosing to have an affair with a married man, as an adult. She's responsible for herself. I hope she's very unhappy and learns a valuable lesson or two, but I doubt it, cynic that I am. She'll probably just keep making vagina based and "I want it and I will get it no matter what" choices and decisions, since that's in her character.

It's awful. He was supposed to be your friend, protector, the two of you against the world, a partnership. You want to tell someone how horribly distressed you feel, you want comfort, normally he'd be the one to comfort you - but he's the one who abused you. It's a mind fuck. It takes time to accept the new reality.

Instead of envisioning all the happy moments you won't have, try envisioning your new reality. Every single time he goes to work you wonder if he's flirting. Every time he goes to a work function, a friend's night out, any time he is out of your sight you will wonder. You will notice everything he does like never before. And you will, never, ever forget, if you live to be a hundred. Your daughter will see a tense, sad version of you instead of the real you. You will never know if he's lying to you, because you know for a fact he is a calculating liar.

You don't want him to be with anybody else? He already has been. And you will never know when he will make that considered choice again.

It's awful. I'm so sorry he made these choices. You mattered a lot less to him than his choice to have orgasms with a much younger woman. You're only 31. Imagine what this will feel like when you're 41, assuming he hasn't already dumped you by then.

And I know it's cruel to say these things, but there's no way to not be cruel at this point and tell the truth.

Every chance your husband had to make a choice, he chose the wrong option. He chose to flirt with and pursue a 20 year old technically under him in his workplace. It was obvious enough people including you were warning him to back off. He escalated to an emotional affair, then a physical one. He chose to sext her and he chose to send nudes. He chose to go to her parents and get physical with her. He chose to bang her with no protection on her birthday. He chose to block her on your phone. He chose to lie and lie and lie some more. He chose to lie about having STI tests.

And that's just what you know.

He's got terrible, terrible judgement. How do you go so wrong every single time?

By putting what felt good to him over everything else in his life. He could, so he did, and like a little kid, he's trying to escape the consequences of his choices. He sounds immature and

I get you've been with him since you were teens, but I think this is the beginning of the end. Even if you reconcile, you've had a really good look at how poor his character is, his lack of judgement, his selfishness at every point in this, how predatory he can be, and you can't unsee and unknow this. He will see your loss of respect for him and he'll resent you for it. If you stay, protect yourself financially and emotionally and physically. Get that lawyer consult for data gathering. Get individual therapy to help you deal with the trauma of his affair. Invest in yourself outside of him, especially job related. Do things for stress relief regularly, like meditation and massage. Build your life as independently as you can. Get regular STI checks because your husband indulges in high risk sexual behaviours outside your marriage and lies about that and testing. He can't be trusted with your sexual health or anything really important.

The clue is in my post! That would be the part where I wrote this,

No, the OW hasn't murdered anyone, but my point is that I'm seeing a common thread in today's world of a real reluctance to blame women for anything.

I'm not sure how I could have been any clearer about what the point was.

Your personal experience appears to be blinding you to the possibility that other people may have different experiences. My personal experience makes me believe that happiness is possible following infidelity.

However this isn't about you or me, it's about the OP and the options she has. She may well decide that the betrayal is too great for her to continue in her marriage. However she may decide to give things another try and she is perfectly entitled to do this without being made to feel she is wrong.

It is her life and she is uniquely qualified to decide what is best for her and her family.

Exactly - this is simply the story he’s chosen to spin to the OP, he’s a proven liar, and so there’s every likelihood that this is yet another lie. There’s no reason to believe a single things that he says.

The man you married does not exist.
He’s not a real person.
The sooner you wrap your head around this,
the better.

You say you love ‘him’,
I hope you love yourself more.

You want to hold on to the familiar because your life as you knew it has ended, your husband was your secure anchor in life. How you feel right now will fluctuate between anger, disbelief and wanting that secure unit for your dd. Your marriage is on shaky grounds but @MyHeartisinTwo he has to work at rebuilding your trust which won’t be an easy or quick fix as he was not only unfaithful to you, he abused his position of power at work. Every bout of depression he has will have you on high alert and you won’t feel so sympathetic or willing to be leant on by him because no matter how great you are he believes it gives him permission to cheer himself up by cheating. You will be the one who suffers more with insecurity and your MH will be at rock bottom.
Some people do work together and make their relationship work after a betrayal but for others once the trust is gone it takes such a toll on them that it’s impossible to carry on. You have to do what feels best for you, not him as he deserves no sympathy and start on the path to new normal.

He also blocked the woman he was banging on OPs phone and the only reason she knows about his affair is the other woman he was shagging told her. And he told a number of other lies too, to try to cover himself.

Not sure how you could or would ever again build trust with someone who you know for a fact is a relentlessly sly, manipulative liar.

This is all so true.

I would agree with other PP’s that the man you thought you loved doesn’t exist OP. If you treat him as a new person you can make an informed choice of do you want to be with this new version or not. He doesn’t seem to have any actual remorse does he? Just excuses and blaming her.

Let me guess — he’s a police officer and she’s a new recruit.

It’s also worth remembering that it’s very unlikely that, if you left him, he would simply end up with her and live happily ever after. Divorce, co-parenting, the disapproval of friends and family, and the reality of building a relationship around all of that isn’t exactly the fun, exciting relationship a 21-year-old is likely imagining. The reality could become very different — and very boring — very quickly.

It’s completely natural that you don’t want this other woman to “win”. And of course you want to hold on to the good parts of your life together — Christmases, holidays, family occasions and all the memories you’ve built. But really think about what those things would actually look and feel like now. You potentially holding in your resentment and sadness while he plays the doting husband and father in front of friends and family. That’s a very difficult position to live in.

You don’t have to leave him. But you do have to choose a life that doesn’t leave you feeling resentful, distrustful and sad. And that means being honest about how you actually feel — not just with your husband, but with the people around you too. This isn’t your shame to carry.

For now, give yourself time and let your feelings evolve. You’re at the very beginning of the grieving process, and this stage won’t last forever. Feel everything you need to feel, but don’t rush yourself into forgiving him or deciding to stay together simply because you’re desperate for things to feel normal again.

Give yourself the space to move through all of this before making a decision. When you eventually decide what to do, you want it to be a rational decision that feels true to you — not one made out of fear, desperation or a desire to keep your life from changing.

I really feel for you, your world is now upside down. Just remember he is the one that made it this way. I can imagine it’s really hard to suddenly think of your life without him especially as you were together since teens.

mow try and imagine you’ve forgiven him and it’s a year later, he wants to go on a lads trip, do you trust him? Do you tell him not to go? A one night stand on a lads trip would be very easy to conceal. You’d never know. He’d never tell you so your sexual health could be compromised. He will also say things like ‘this can’t work if you don’t trust me’ ‘I thought we’d moved past this, I said I was sorry’ your resentment will build and build, you will never relax again when he’s out without you, if he’s late, if he starts mentioning a woman at work. You’ll be on high alert and it won’t go away.

another option would be to contact the OW for her version of things? She may say they have slept together many times or that this was going on for a lot longer than he told you. That would be the final nail in the coffin, that he has continued to lie.

As some one who’s already been through this, I say with kindness, you will move past this phase- it’s a process. Be kind to yourself, this isn’t on you and you deserve to be with someone you can trust.

You have 2 choices stay with him giving him the green light to do this again and again or show some self respect, and leave him. In my experience if they cheat once they’ll do it again I wouldn’t give him the chance and I have more respect for myself than to allow this to happen.

@MyHeartisinTwo sending hugs hugs
This is awful. I haven't read all the replies except yours but wanted to say this.

He absolutely knew what he was doing. This has been going on for weeks, not a drunken accident.

She knew what she was doing, including messaging you.

There is no innocent, clumsy, well intentioned side to this. He let you down terribly, she chose to stick the knife in.

The only people who matter right now are you and your DD. Leave them to their own little drama triangle and get your own head sorted. Speak to your work, take some time off, access works EAP counselling so you can have someone independent to talk to, and get your support network and plans in place.

His MH, his indiscretions and his life choices are not your responsibility to resolve.

You won't be the first, or the last woman to go through this. And MN is full of people who have got your back. Hold your head high, you are doing amazingly well and you got this.