I’ve just found out that my husband has slept with someone else. My world has fallen apart and I don’t know what to do.

[MyHeartisinTwo]

Just that really. I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. We have a 3 year old DD. The OW sent me a message from a private instagram account because H had blocked her actual accounts on my phone without my knowledge. He works with her.

He’d gone to her birthday party which I knew about. Didn’t come home until after 4am which isn’t normal for him so I wasn’t happy and we had plans the next day. He said they’d all gone somewhere after the party. Turns out he was with her in a hotel down the road. This was weeks ago and he hadn’t told me.

When I confronted him he eventually admitted it. Said that he couldn’t explain it at first. Then said that there was distance between us and he was weak and naive. We were arguing a lot. He’s been struggling with his mental health and I’ve been doing my best to support him whilst working full-time in a stressful job. I thought we were just going through a rough patch.

I’m literally shaking. I don’t have a lot of family and I haven’t told anyone IRL yet. He says it doesn’t have to be over. But it does doesn’t it?

I also agree with these posts. Take your time OP. You’re in shock.

Agree. But I do find it distasteful that the OW was in such a hurry to tell OP. I doubt it had anything to do with guilt, but even if it did, surely the time to consider the effect on his family was before she engaged in the behaviour that led up to sleeping with him, not after.

You don't have to rush into anything and what you decide to do this week doesn't have to be forever. When my husband had an affair I didn't post on here at all. I knew what the responses would be and they are rarely helpful. I don't have any family, had an abusive childhood and also had bad mental health at times. Like you, I worried about losing him at times, but never after he told me about the affair. Take your time. Don't stay for the child. Don't allow him to blame you or rush you into a decision and don't let anyone else try and tell you what you should do. It's your life, not theirs.

Could he lose his job as well?

So sorry you are going through this.

It feels to me that he is using his mental health to manipulate the situation and lay blame on you.

If you can just limit what you say to him until you are clear about what yoy want to do moving forward and are stronger in your decision process he may sway you with sweet talk!

You do not have to put up with such behaviour. As a single mother myself who was certain the father of my child was an honest loving non abusive man trust me I did not want to be in this position but I found the strength through the love of my daughter.

It's not a position anyone really chooses until you have no choice but to leave for you mental/physical wellbeing and that of yiur child.

Be thankful that you found out, are able to get tested and you are in employment everything will fall into place. Get your ducks in a row and believe that you and your child deserve more x

You warned him their relationship made you uncomfortable.
Even his friend warned him off their relationship.
That a third party had noticed and flagged it to him should have been a massive warning sign that he was on the brink of screwing up his marriage.
This has been on the cards for a long time and he wilfully ignored every opportunity to shut it down.

Pity about him and his fucking tears. What an arsehole. Wallowing in self pity.

Yep. So you can only conclude that he wanted it.

If his company have a policy regarding inter staff relationships - particularly if it prohibits those between direct reports or junior staff then this could well be the case. As I said upthread, the OW was very keen to let OP know that they had had sex. She may well be threatening to do the same with his employer, so he’s decided to talk to them first. If this is the case, I do hope she’s thought through the possibility that she may be sacked too.

Is he looking at possible job loss if this comes out or if the OW says he was sexually harassing her? Because why would he need to talk to work otherwise?

That's his problem. He made choice after choice after choice here to pursue this 20 year old and not a one of them centered you or your child and he's now centering himself. It's time for you to make choices that center you and her and decenter your lying cheat husband. I think if there's possibly work issues ahead I'd separate sooner rather than later.

This man was extremely deceptive. He went to the point of blocking her on your phone so she couldn't contact you that way rather than be remorseful about what he did and fess up. He's sorry he got caught.

I'm glad you have friends for support.

Also to add, if he hasn't bothered to do an sti check until you mentioned it he really is a piece of work!!

Had you not found out would he have even bothered? Probably not!

Additionally you have to wait a longer period of time to test for Hiv so please do not be in a rush to get that one done as it takes time to show up.

He's putting all the blame on you. He can't be trusted. He went on your phone and hid it from you.

I mean, the age old take is usually along the lines of very young impressionable women is enamoured by older colleague, gets involved, realises she’s actually just a side piece and he’ll never leave his wife for her, so she blows things up to hurt him. She’s only 21, her brain won’t even be fully developed for another 4 years. She won’t be thinking too critically.

She may well be immature but you don’t have to have reached 25 to realise that exchanging nudes & having sex with a married colleague is a bad idea.

i guarantee she understands enough to be disgusted if her Dad started sleeping with his colleagues.

How do you know they are happy? Everyone thought me and my STBXH were. It was miserable. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or inside someone else’s thoughts and feelings. And he wasn’t just unfaithful. He then added lie upon lie. Tried to get her to hide it. Is now turning her pain into his pain ‘’ oh woe is me, it’s so hard to see the pain I’ve caused you’’

Not to mention trying to blame her, and the OW and his MH. Lied about getting an STI test. He’s had unprotected sex with someone and out the OP at risks of STI.

He doesn’t care about her really. They might manage to pull it together to have a marriage that looks ok from the outside but the OP will never be able to forget the pain he knowingly caused her. A one off drunken time is very different to this.

Yes this is what I am assuming: the only reason he could have for speaking to his work is to get in first with his side of the story before she does. So he can make out she instigated the relationship not him.

I would assume a large part of his tears and devastation are because he knows there is a good chance he will lose his job.

No wonder he wants to cling on to OP because the reality of the consequences of his behaviour are now kicking in.

Yup.

ÎI’d probably give him another chance while also quietly preparing a back up plan in my head and taking special care of myself. You’ve been together a long time and have a DD if it’s only tjis one ‘mistaké it’s probably worth trying to fix it (if that’s what you want) In any case there’s no rush, if you can’t live with it and it doesn’t work for you you don’t have to stay together forever.

It’s all about damage limitation. He’s not genuinely sorry. Just scared.

Not one one mistake. Several choices.

1. building a deeper emotional connection with a 20 year old with MH issues.
2. sending and receiving nude photos.
3. ‘touching’ her at her parents house
4. having unprotected sex with her at a hotel
5. trying to cover it up by blocking the OW on OPs phone.
6. lying about the extent of it several times.
7. lying about having had an STI test.
8. blaming the OP, blaming the OW, blaming MH etc.
9. trying to get the OP to keep it secret.
10. Tears about his loss. Tears about his struggle with her pain.

Did I miss anything?

Let’s not join the DHs gaslighting of her eh?

Exactly !! OP listen to yourself and what you want to do, there’s no right or wrong answer.

I know about the 25 thing, but if it had any noticeable real-world effect, as I said above, the under-25s wouldn't be able to vote, join the army, serve on a jury, etc. etc. The changes you mean might be visible at a research level but they do not translate into not knowing right from wrong! She's less culpable than him, but only because she hasn't made vows to OP. Nothing to do with being less cooked! She's an adult who knows right from wrong. No excuse whatsoever.

Depends on if she's junior and exactly how long he's been 'friends' with her, let's hope it wasn't when she was a teenager, 20 is bad enough, for most employers, though. Then there's how drunk she was when people saw her leave the party. The OP needs to check who paid for the hotel. Consent might be dodgy. He might want to hold off.

Wow 21. He must’ve thought he won the lottery.

Speak to work about what's happened? WTAF? Why on earth would he do that? There'll be an investigation, he'll lose his job...He REALLY isn't blessed with good judgement, is he??