What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

Thank you for this!
I think your right I think it’s ingrained in my brain that it’s acceptable to be spoken to and treated like this and then all should be forgiven without an actual apology and that I’m responsible for someone else’s happiness to a degree. I need to work out whether I just have to continue no contact or do I come to a resolution in my head and think about a boundary that I want to have in place and reach out but hold the boundary. I ultimately know if I want to resume any sort of contact with her it will be me who has to make the first move.

I don't think they even care about forgiveness.. because they don't think they have done anything wrong. They want something, you should provide it, if you don't they are right to want it and you are in the wrong... of course they expect you to make the first move.

So in a way its pointless expecting an apology.. It might work better to just go back in with your boundaries. Knowing what's acceptable and what is not..Commenting to snide remarks with "That's a really rude thing to say to any one, where is the tea." So that you are pushing back but in a calm, under control way. Lower expectations of their behaviour and manage it. Basically you won't be taking out a loan of that size on her behalf. "No" "Why why why" "It's not possible" "my bank wont allow it." on repeat.

Can't advise at all on whether LC or NC its entirely up to your judgement on whether the fall out is worth it... NC removes the immediate arguments but can be very painful long term, especially if other relatives get involved. It leaves a gap where family ought to be. It sounds like you've had enough but feel like experimenting with boundaries to see if that helps. Difficult relatives don't get any easier as they age unfortunately. But maybe if she sees she can't sway you on this, she may eventually drop it.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff talks a lot of sense (as well as brilliant user name🤣). I have a similar mother that I'd been run ragged with for decades. Long story short took me til nearly 60 to politely stand up to her, she was vile so I thought no, I'll wait for an apology this time I'm not running round to her to take her out shopping and everything else until she apologizes..............no apology was forth coming! Golden child, who had had no contact for years appeared back on the scene a few months earlier (expecting inheritance I presume) was sent around with forms to take me off her bank account and that was it, so I left them to it, there followed 5 years of absolute peace once I'd got over the stress the situation put me under. I can highly recommend no contact💐

You’re right about forgiveness it’s something that is never going to happen.
the age thing is correct too as I feel like she’s only going to get worse and worse. I just need to think about whether I want my children around it ultimately
thanks for your responses

its funny though how they are our parents ultimately your meant to take the lead from them they expect us to apologise but never model that behaviour themselves.

whilst last few weeks have been a bit up and down I have been wayyyy less stressed and anxious about her coming round talking absolutely tripe for a few hours and then leaving. Or sending me 50 videos a day from tik tok or X or bombarding me about her beliefs.

8 weeks NC this week we have found out we are having another baby girl last week too. Some days I feel like my mind is going overdrive

Congratulations on the news of a lovely baby girl.

Please make your life away from your mum. You do not have to take responsibility for a toxic relationship with her, it helps no one. Certainly not you or your children.

Thank you!

So after not hearing off my mum for over 8 weeks I got a nasty voice note this morning. Basically my brother reached out to me yesterday to ask me to be a guarantor on a property for him for 1k a month rent which given that I’m due to go on maternity leave I’m not in a position to do so and also he isn’t the best with money and I’m not in a financial position to be able to afford to be a guarantor if something went wrong. Anyway I said I couldn’t I was sorry etc. today get a voice note off her saying how any sort of sister would help her homeless brother (he isn’t homeless) left his gf for another woman living with her currently.
then goes on to say about the loan for her teeth.
basically saying to me she’s never asked for money off me however a 5k loan is nothing to ask of a daughter if it means her mum can eat!

i haven’t responded to her I felt sick as soon as I saw the message pop up

Oh @unsureforevermore he's not much better is he. I'd block them both but I'm like that. You've been conditioned to put up with so much crap.
This is so toxic and unhealthy for you.

Sending strength pet ❤️

I always just question myself like should I be guarantor should I be getting a loan for her it’s not doable and then I feel bad!

Don't feel bad just concentrate on your little family, being a guarantor is a big ask l wouldn't do it as you could have to pay £1k/month which is insane when you are having a new baby.
They are both unreasonable to ask you, go nc.

Thank you I think I need therapy haha

Aww, you've been programmed to feel guilt, that's how we are manipulated!
I'd seriously consider changing your number, my phone broke so I bought a new one and didn't bother changing the number to my old one as I was so fed up of jumping and sick/anxious feeling every time the phone rang! Helped a lot and you need less stress whilst awaiting your baby girl 💕

What would you say to yourself if you asked ' What should I do?' Should I be guarantor? Should I give this woman money or spend time worrying about her? Does she deserve my precious time and me being so stressed? Had she ever been there for me? Weigh up the balance. Just because you're related by blood to someone doesn't give them carte blanche to do as they want. You're related by accident. That doesn't make you beholden. People need to earn your respect and loyalty.
As we get older we realise it's often those unrelated by birth who deserve our time and energy.

Apart from anything else, getting out of being a guarantor isn’t easy. I thought it ended with each lease e.g end of a year’s (or whatever length) tenancy agreement. It doesn’t - and the LL has to agree to remove you. But even if it were easy - no.

If you feel you must reply, which I’m not suggesting because only you can decide, say something like ‘utter drive - none of your business’ then block. And warn your brother that he should not be telling your Mother stuff that involves you or you will block him too.

Good Heavens.. They have broken their 8 week silence (which they used to punish you for non compliance) to ask you for a £5k "loan" and to guarantee a £1k a month rent for an unreliable person!

I don't think there could be a clearer indication of their lack of regard and their entitled greed that makes them think you are responsible for financing them and they cannot even treat you nicely. And you are pregnant too! You shouldn't have to be dealing with the stress this is clearly creating. Their behaviour is disgusting.

Every penny you give them from now on is money that is being taken away from your new baby. You are on maternity leave.. so not full pay entirely I'm guessing.. You need that money for your baby, and yourself.

Your DM can go back to her gp and ask again if she claims she is unable to eat.
Your brother cannot expect you to house him.

You now have your own family unit and they are your priority not these jokers.
They may be blood relatives but they are not related by kindness or consideration. You deserve better.

Sorry op but you were born into a family of cheeky fuckers. Thankfully your dc aren't around them..

All of this. They have blanked you for 8 weeks and only surfaced in effect to try to extract £17k (minimum!) out of you. They are grown adults and not your priority -that’s you, partner and children. I would be tempted to block them or change your phone number

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Don’t let your mum or brother upset you and stress you out (l know that’s easier said than done)

TBF. I think that the brother is asking OP her to be a guarantor for his new apartment rental, rather than asking for a loan outright, but if he and his new partner fail to pay, then OP would be liable for his rent of £1000 a month, which OP is worried is a bit risky.

Wow you’re so right I didn’t even think of it like that but you’ve summed it up so right !!

yeah I won’t get full wages so I would need that money if something was to go wrong.

my mother had been offered dentures on the NHS however she has declined and said she was implants she is adamant her tooth loss is down to medication she was previously on and not her smoking. Not that she ever stands a chance of proving that.

she actually said to me in a voice note last night that I can tell the kids they don’t see nana anymore because their mum is a C U next Tuesday

writing all this down I don’t understand why I am so sad about these people being in my life but onwards and upwards really appreciate being able to talk on here for my own sanity

You are sad about these people probably because you, yourself, are kind, loving and sensible in your mind and your ways. These are the very people who are supposed to love and support you and they are doing precisely the opposite. It is bewildering, hurtful and cruel. And I expect it might also hurt so much because you could never behave like this towards someone else, and would be mortified and distraught if you thought you accidentally had.

I've dealt with some really nasty people at various points in my life, and a counsellor once explained to me that part of my distress was because I was putting myself in the position of the bully, and imagining to myself how rotten I'd feel if I'd hurt someone that badly. I was then taking on that guilt and mortification in addition to the actual hurts I was experiencing. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining that very well, but I hope you know what I mean.

It can be genuinely baffling to nice, decent kind people as to how others can be so needlessly cruel and live with what they say and their disordered thinking, because that way of being is so totally alien to them. It's no wonder that you are so hurt and confused. Your M and B are not behaving like normal, nice people.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff is right. Please, please do not be a guarantor for them - or lend them ANYTHING. It would not surprise me if your B has no intention of paying his rent, but in securing you as guarantor for his rent is deliberately setting you up to fail to 'punish' you for standing up to your mum. If he defaults on his rent you will absolutely become fully liable for his rent payments and you will really struggle to get out of it because you will have already signed to say that you accept the risk and can afford it. The timing of this seems a bit of a suspicious coincidence, and you say that he is living with your M currently. So they are alone together for hours at a time, both with unpleasant designs on your time and your income. That's a LOT of "plotting time" they have there...

Are you really, really not able to block the pair of them completely? Honestly? What joy or comfort does having their numbers stored bring you? They continue to torment you with abuse and financial demands and you say that just seeing the message popping up makes you feel physically sick (and no wonder. It would for me too). They are not going to change @unsureforevermore - your M in particular is likely to only get worse. Do you really want one of your DC's to answer a call one day and hear your M shouting "c*nt" down the phone? Because you can put a block on them. You literally owe them nothing. Block the pair of them so that you can at least remove that sudden stab of fear and stomach-jolt that comes with every time you see an incoming message from them.

You are doing it OP. You are building a better life for you and your kids. You can cut off the sewage pipes that are still dripping their foul effluent into your sparkly little paddling pool. You don't need to tell them you are blocking them. Just do it. You can always unblock at some point in the future if they ever grow a skin of semi-decency you want to.

Continuing to wish you and your children lots of happier times ahead. You can do it. xx

So sorry she's speaking to you like that OP. It's very threatening and abusive to involve your children in that way. Its actually harassment. Pay me or else.

Its not surprising you are feeling sad and a bit left down because yours family is not behaving in the way people generally think that families should, and not in the way that you would treat your own children and that really hurts.

The reality is that your mother is going along on her own path, it sounds like she has quite a few problems and mental struggles and she's not capable of having that kind of relationship with you.

But you have your own family now and that is a real comfort because you can and already do have a better relationship with your own children. You are an adult and you don't have to obey your DM and brother's commands, you don't have to put up with horrible messages or nasty behaviour and you can say No to all of it.

One way of looking at it is, If I say no, what's the worst that can happen? Is that any worse than what I've having to put up with now? It seems like you have already said no several times and this is the phase where they keep berating you to get you to change your mind.. but even if you did - would that make them treat you any better? Personally I think it would just be followed up with further demands.

@unsureforevermore has she called you a cunt before? That's absolutely shocking. You really need to go NC.

Oh that’s pretty mild to be honest! She’s said a lot worse