What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

What strange behaviour. Is she usually mentally unstable or is this a new thing?

Hi OP.
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would just go with the flow on this one - DM has blocked you on everything, so don't try to contact her. Leave the ball in her court.

And if she does contact you, then you can decide if you want to have contact with her again, and how much and what form that could be.

For the moment I would just enjoy the respite from her craziness and stubbornness, and focus on your immediate family.

💐

No, just block her back and see what happens.

I’m surprised by some of the responses on here. Personally I think your mother sounds like a complete lunatic.

She has clearly decided she doesn't want a relationship with you. Which is fine, I am sure you will be more than happy not to have to put up with her moods, wild conspiracy theories, unmanageable expectations regarding her dental health and all round abuse.

Enjoy the peace she has inadvertently gifted you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Is she cutting herself off from other people too? Anyone that doesn’t agree with her bat shittery?

Thank you for this ! x

Thank you! Now that I have my own children it does open my eyes to what I feel is just not nice behaviour

Sounds like textbook NPD. My mother was very similar and probably the most selfish person I have ever encountered.
All the best to you, OP, enjoy your pregnancy. Your so called mother can be left to stew in her own juice indefinitely!

she gets pip but she struggles to manage her money anyway if she wants to save money for Christmas etc I usually have to put it aside for her

It would be a cold day in hell before she apologised for anything she would rather die alone than admit she was ever in the wrong for anything

Sounds like mine.

Fwiw I haven't spoken to the manipulative woman in 2 years. It's been bliss. Sister is on the same path to terminating all contact too.

Save yourself and your children from years of abuse and don't try to reconcile.

So she has a choice - she can decide to change her behaviour.
Or she can choose to continue to behave the way she has and alienate all the people who care about her.

it's a horrible choice for you, but you do have to protect yourself and particularly your children.

(I have a mother like this too. It took many years for me to realise that my only purpose in life was as someone for my mother to criticise and complain about. My realisation was that I wouldn't put up with this from anyone else, and sharing DNA did not confer special powers onto her).

Sorry op just to clarify, I suggested menopause a while back but obviously it can't account for everything and isn't an excuse. I just read she was 55 and I know my own mum struggled around that age so I thought if this was new or unusual behaviour that might explain some mental health struggles. If your mum has always been like this it sounds very difficult.

I know and it’s constantly putting me in a bit of a tricky position as it’s now getting to the stage where my DP is going to say that she cannot be around the children. And you’re right if this was a friend I’d have walked away a very very long time ago.

Unfortunately it’s not new behaviour the conspiracy stuff and the obsession over certain things has got more and more I guess over the last few years. The anger and shouting at me etc is normal tbh unfortunately, if I don’t agree with something she says or I have a difference of opinion she’ll say stuff like “for a clever girl you can be stupid at times” or her favourite one is “I live in la la land”

OP - I've been there and got the T shirt. For years I felt my very toxic mother should have a relationship with their grandchildren. The fact that I realised there was no way I was prepared to leave her alone with them, should have perhaps rung alarm bells, but, like you, I was conditioned to think of this behaviour normal, and that I was the problem for not jumping through the ever changing hoops to keep her happy.

I eventually went NC when the DC were late teens, after realising how much effect she was having on them.

At this point I explained to my DC why I was stopping contact but that I was prepared to facilitate contact for them, if they still wished to see their grandmother.

DS(19) said to me- I've not like her since I was about 8 or 9 and past the "playing games together" stage. I've only agree to continue to visit them because I realise it would cause problems for you if I refused to.

DD (17) said to me - I don't like her either. I only come on visits because I think that you need the support

Had I realised the impact my toxic mother had on my children, I would have cut contact much sooner. I thought I had managed to protect them from her (and both DC did say they realised I had protected them from a lot). I was wrong. (And very humbled by my children wanting to "look after" me).

Of course your family set up is not mine, but please think carefully about the impact your mother is having on your children and why you think they should have a relationship. And listen to your children :)

Obviously you need to stop doing things for her. Take advantage of the social media block to put things in writing. I would get a nice thank you card, say you appreciate all the after school pick ups but you will manage yourself going forward. Be clear that, as she has made communication difficult, you won’t be helping with the loan or any other finances going forward.
Explain to your brother and any other family who need to know that you are not, at her choice, in contact or involved in facilitating her life.
If you are a point of contact with any agencies inform them that this is no longer the case.
If you are not able to follow through with all of this going forward please make sure that if you keep aside any monies for her there is a written record of amounts in and out. She sounds as if she might accuse you of stealing it.
If she is on benefits and has debts would getting advice from CAB be useful? If might be that insolvency is possible? Not sure of the possible routes in England.

Thank you for this your right !
it is getting to the stage where she is clearly too erratic and can’t control what she says around them x

If this is new and unusual behaviour I would be concerned about dementia or a mentor health issue. If she’s always been like this I would just leave it for a bit and see if she comes round.

Abusive, emotionally immature woman. I'm sorry she's treating you that way and a massive congratulations on your pregnancy. You deserve better ♥️

Your DM is young, not working, she should be happy to help you 3 days a week is nothing but unfortunately she's is toxic.
Whatever you do, Do not put the loan is your name as you will be saddle with her debt.

Wonder if she has news friends or partner snd she’s rethinking her position? Sounds very off the wall

About 7 years before my mum's dementia diagnosis, long before she started becoming forgetful, she became argumentative and verbally aggressive. We couldn't do anything right. She was in her early 70's. If this is an unusual behaviour for her it might be worth speaking to other family members to see what she s like with them.

Unfortunately it’s not new behaviour this has happened many times before I wish it was out of character