What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

Your mum has blocked you??

You're not going mad, that is a batshit thing she has done. I wouldn't look for a loan for her, let her do that herself.

She sounds appalling! What was your relationship like previous to this?

Yeah she has blocked me on everything

I offered to look for a loan for her but I said I couldn’t just apply for a random amount and then said once she knows how much she needs then I will have a look!

shes basically taken it out on me because she’s frustrated she’s lost a lot of her top teeth

You have an abusive mother.

shes fallen down the everything she talks about is a conspiracy theory so she has been quite difficult to be around lately over the last few years I guess it’s never been great.

3 days a week after school care is quite a lot, and my brother can be a bit like this with my mum, if she doesn't make the effort or drop round there, she would only see him when she's doing childcare for him every week (into the tenth year of this now), my mum actually messaged me and said did I need her to have DS over the school holidays and I said no (because we make childcare arrangements and take annual leave), she went a bit quiet and then I asked her what days was she working the week we're off does she want to come on a day out with us etc and she was really happy and said to me sorry I forgot you're not your brother! By that she means I make an effort to see her, it's not always the most convenient but I make sure I don't only see her when she comes to me or when I need childcare. I'd imagine that's quite hurtful.

Your mum has gone a bit nuclear blocking you on everything, but reflect on the dynamic and if in her shoes you'd feel like you weren't a priority unless you were useful.

Her behaviour is very odd but it sounds like you don't find it strange at all which means it can't be that unusual for her?

As with most things, there's probably no right or wrong - you're both coming at things from different viewpoints, and we only know your side of things.

Blocking you on on everything seems a bit extreme, though it's the kind of thing my DM might do by accident - how tech savvy is your DM? You can "reach out" if you really want to though - you can phone her or go and see her. How much do you want to maintain your relationship with her?

I can kind of see her point shes basically reached her limit. Sounds like she does a lot for you and in her mind she asks you to do one thing for her and its to much hassle then you can't even be bothered to go visit her on mother's day. Im not saying this is actually how it is I'm saying this is likely how it feels

Something else is going on with her. Her reaction seems a little OTT.

Maybe she feels taken advantage off, but if she hasn't spoken up, how are you to know? It seems she has just been tipped over the edge by something and has used other things as an excuse.

If it was my Mom, I would turn up at her house and ask her what is going on. See if she will open up.

She’s feeling used. It’s all give from her and you just taking. This might not be correct but that’s how it seems she’s feeling from your post.

You should pop round, listen to how she feels and go about making changes whereby the relationship is balanced.

She must be very dizzy with that turning around.

In all seriousness though, if this is out of the ordinary for her I would want her to see her GP.

ETA: She sounds pissed off that she is used for school pick up (massive thing!) and possibly feels under appreciated and she has had enough. Can you take that responsibility away from her to give her her life back?

Yeah I completely get that, she doesn’t work and initially I just used after school club. She offered to do this and said that it would be good for her to get out the house etc, they come straight home she doesn’t do tea or have them for long etc. I always try include her in things - but it is always one sided from me. Also she is really difficult to be around as the conversation always goes to conspiracy stuff and then ends up being a day where I just listen to her reel off stuff and it’s not enjoyable.

I did also ask my brother to still drop her Mother’s Day gifts and cards off the following day as I didn’t want to see her after the messages which he did.

You probably should have sensed this was quite urgent for her and popped to her house to help her sort the loan.

Yeah I since told her she doesn’t need to do it as o don’t want it being too much for her, this is when she said no worries and blocked me on everything

I have looked previously told her to make an appointment at a dentist so we know exactly how much to apply for , I’ve previously sorted her debt management plan, phone bills etc so it’s not like I’ve never helped her.

I'd be patting myself on the back that thankfully my dc aren't going to be around her now.
My dm hasn't seen me or my dc since 2012..
Dc don't need abusive people in their lives. Even if they are related..

Make alternative arrangements for your dc and leave her to it.
Previously to 2012 I had had a short relationship with my dm.
Before that she flounced from my home and I didn't hear from her for 10 years.
10 years she snubbed my dc for one her Moods....

Maybe she just had a really bad day and lost her temper. I would maybe go round and see how she is. Have a chat face to face. Blocking sounds very OTT. Is it out of character?

To be honest it sounds like she has reached breaking point of running around after you. Has she possibly dropped hints and you’ve not picked up on them?

She doesn’t run around after me she offered to do school pick up which I said yes she could - believe me I am grateful which I show in many ways.

aside from that could she not communicate with me properly and just say look it’s a bit much this can you use after school club? Yes absolutely not a problem! Instead I get abusive voice notes the day before Mother’s Day I tell her I’m pregnant and then she blocks me.

She sounds like she is a bit unhinged. So sorry for you.

Tbf I’m not sure if I want to anymore I feel like this is the final straw in a long list of previous stuff she has done.
if I don’t agree with her on something like Taylor swift is eating children or because I don’t believe in god like she does she’ll call me stupid or go off on me. She was telling my children previously that dinosaurs aren’t real it’s all lies, these are quite tame tbh.

100% this. It sounds like the behaviour of someone who’s been pushed to the edge by stress.

You can't actually be trying to justify the way the she has behaved (texting abuse to her daughter and then blocking her) purely because she didn't help her apply for a loan quick enough?!

She sounds absolutely bloody unhinged and yeah, after the OPs latest post, sounds like she's spending far too much time online and being brainwashed into ridiculous conspiracy theories.

I would be glad my children aren't around someone like this tbh.

(edited to add this was in response to @4wardlooking!)