What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

Are you in a good financial situation, Op? If so, perhaps your mum has been hoping you'll offer to pay for her teeth? She's been telling you how down she is about them for ages and, if you have that sort of disposable income, she's maybe upset that you're not offering to help her out.
This might be something she's been stewing on. 'I raised her with plenty of sacrifice, I collect her kids, I offer to help, I always go to her and the one thing I desperately need, she won't sort for me. She can afford another child and clubs for her kids if needs be but nothing for me'
None of this is fair thinking but if she's generally a bit self-centred and entitled, it could be the reason for her sudden reaction.

We have a stable financial situation both work hard not rich by any means but we are comfortable. Manage a holiday etc a year, however she probably wouldn’t say no to me getting a loan for her to pay however with a remortgage and a new baby coming up I am not prepared to do it. I do think that you are right etc as she will refer to childhood quite a bit and the things she has done and what people haven’t done for her .

The R of DARVO: reverse

I saw about the DARVO the other day actually I was reading about it

So not heard off her for almost 3 weeks and then get a message yesterday via Facebook to ask if my brother can drop some money off for the children for Easter - no ask to see the kids etc nothing it was as short as that. I’m so sick of being the one that has to try and resolve everything

@unsureforevermore - bless you, it's relentless. Can you just block/remove the FB request and ignore? I know that's easier said than done, but I suspect it's the only way to find peace in this moment. Don't give her the oxygen of a reaction. Cut off the air supply. Best wishes to you. x

The only way you will resolve this is giving her the money to have her teeth done.

Since the dentist has said she is not a suitable candidate for implants and doesn't take care of the ones she has... you know this is pointless and throwing good money after bad.

You already know it is pointless arguing with her. She won't be told and she won't stop this behaviour until you give in and she will grudgingly relent.
I'm betting this is very familiar to you by and and this is what you and she mean by "resolve".

She sent that curt cold message just to remind you that she is angry with you for not doing her bidding and took care to make it smart... it was like poking you with a stick to say .. where's my loan, why are you not obeying me.

You have two options.. 1) reply with a nice friendly message - she will continue to be cold and curt and this will make thing hurt even more - until you cave
2) Ignore it... She doesn't need to ask if your brother can drop money round for your DC.. He can and will turn up if he wants to I expect.
She's also underlining a present for your DC, no good wishes or love for you.
Its deliberately mean.
What's your brother like? Is he likely to treat you nicely or is she just sending a flying monkey round to argue her case. If you want him to come round, message him directly.. if you don't tell him not to bother.
But DO NOT discuss your DM with him at all. She wants to know how you are reacting to her treatment to see if its working, so that she can keep prodding.

I hope you have a peaceful and happy Easter with your DC and don't let this argument get you down. You've done everything you can and its not good enough so let her be cross with you.. its really her problem.

I agree she didn't need to ask about the money. She's seeing if you reply. Wanting attention.

Thank you! I know I am certainly not entertaining speaking to her this weekend and letting her ruining Easter ! It will never resolve until I bow down as in her head she is the queen of the family end of and everyone must do as she says.
my brother tends to actually not get involved he says to me that you know what she’s like and that she’s nasty he just does as he’s told to keep the peace so to speak

I never understand how people insist on toxic grandparents being involved with their children.
Far better to protect children from it.

i haven’t seen or heard from her in 5 weeks now - it is hard though and it’s hard to navigate it especially when there is children involved.

Ah bless you @unsureforevermore - five weeks of blissful peace in one sense, I'm sure. But I understand how hard it is. It can be a hard mindset to separate yourself from - that they "should" and "deserve" a relationship. But that's sadly not the case here. Your children are far better off away from her malign influence. Hold firm. You are in the right here. x

Thank you! I have been struggling these last few days but think it’s pregnancy hormones too

@unsureforevermore I'm sorry you're struggling. That's awful she hasn't bothered especially with her gcs. Did she send them easter money?

She did well my brother dropped off the Easter money and a gift for my son’s birthday a few days after. No message to wish my son well on his birthday though

She weaponised the birthday. Not cool.

@unsureforevermore how awful. Let her stew! Get on with enjoying your own family ❤️

Why does an adult need someone else to look into loans?

@unsureforevermore have you posted about her before? The bit about losing teeth and needing a loan sounds familiar. Her behaviour is awful.

she just said it’s not something she knows what to do with! It’s not like she provided me with all her information and finances to be able to do this for her anyway.

yeah unfortunately I have

What do you mean by that ? If you could explain

I think the poster means that your M used the birthday and the sending of the gift via your brother as a weapon with which to torment you. It was not a present for your son - it was a clear message to you that she doesn't care what you feel or think and that she will be ignoring your boundaries. I think this is what was meant. @DuckbilledSplatterPuff - please correct me if this is wrong.

I'm sorry that this is going on. If I was unable to reject the gift via your brother, I would be giving it to charity. Sends a message of your own.

Best wishes. Stay strong. x

Yes I agree. She's trying to taunt you. Ignore.

thank you that makes sense to be honest. No I haven’t reacted I feel because im pregnant I’m in a different headspace this time or maybe I’ve just had enough now

OP she sounds absolutely batshit crazy, mostly for blocking her pregnant daughter on Mother’s Day! Focus on yourself and the relationship with your own children, congratulations on your pregnancy!

yes. Thank you Rep 22 that's correct.

Sorry OP the word weaponised was a bit strong. I meant she was using the gift situation and lack of birthday card to send a message in a cold way or indicate her displeasure.

Im really sorry you are having to deal with this. Sometimes with people who behave like this - you just can't win and are really damned if you do or damned if you don't. I've experienced this, it can cause a lot of anguish, but if you are damned either way, you may as well pick the option that suits you best. When you put it into that equation... it becomes easier to deal with it I think. But I know theses family issues are often more complicated than they may appear on the surface.
Another way I used to think about it is, well whats the worst they can do if I don't agree or I say no? Is it any worse than the flak I am currently getting. And that also helps to weigh up the options, especially when the person is very used to getting their own way, there will be quite a lot of resistance, but I do think it is worth chipping away at that if you can. Some things one can let slide if its not important, but it becomes much easier when the thing they want you to do is very unreasonable. It's particularly difficult with close family if you've been told from day one that you must be helpful, you must be polite, you must be generous, you must never cause a scene etc.. and in some ways those are good rules as long as you are also allowed to be assertive. Im not really an expert in this. Just some thoughts.