What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

Thank you - I think I am going to enjoy the peace and focus on bump my family and leave her to it.

Are we sisters? My mother was exactly the same, offered to have my nephew twice a week, I did raise my concerns to her and my sister as I know how flaky and selfish both can be. It ended in tears, alot of frustration on both sides and a massive fallout. But this fallout hasn't been the only one over the years, the last one was because I was running late to pick her up and she flipped whilst on loud speaker in front of my teenage daughters who never really understood why I was so guarded, but hated some of their GMs behaviours, attitudes and beliefs. We haven't seen her since that 2 years ago, life is peaceful and I do not miss her or her dramatic presence

Having an abusive mother who l literally did everything for l feel this for you. But unfortunately you can’t choose your family and just because they are your family doesn’t make them good people. 55yrs old isn’t old so unless she had underlying health problems she should be easily able to pick up your children 3 days a week. I’m 57 work full time running my own hair salon and l have a health disability that l was born with. If that’s all l had to do then l would be happy to do it. I would make sure you are completely self sufficient and let her get on with it. Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

It’s probably best the contact with your DC is reduced if she’s speaking about subjects that you don’t want them to hear. Imagine learning about dinosaurs at school and them telling the teachers they are not real !

it is particularly cruel when you are pregnant for her to react this way, she either feels it’s more pressure for her (another child to collect etc) or she realises you (rightly so) will be distracted / have less time to support her needs, but she’s a big girl and needs to recognise this.

its a strange and unexpected place in life when we are in the middle of supporting our small or adult children, plus supporting elderly (possibly demanding) parents , I’ve no fantastic answer to this, other than concentrate on your DC and take care during your pregnancy x

I disagree with many other comments here I’m afraid. You have 2 young children and another on the way. Your focus need to be on yourself for now. You will need to re arrange’After school ‘ care for your two eldest . Then focus on yourself new baby arrangements. Let your mother cool off! Is there something else wrong with her that she can’t sort her own financial and dental care? That’s like having a fourth child. !

I assume because you have young children, that your Mum can't be that old. I struggling to understand why you need to sort her loan out. I wouldn't lose any sleep over her blocking you, she'll need you before you need her.

There is nothing else wrong with her she is quite capable but she tends to do the whole oh I can’t do this will you have a look for me rubbish however she is competent enough on tik tok, X all the social media sites where she sends me articles daily about conspiracies when I say she must send me 50 a week normally and I don’t even respond to most of them! After school clubs sorted tbh not a problem. In her head because I’ve not “looked” for dental loans I don’t care which is utterly ridiculous- I have told her time and time again tell me how much you need to get and I will do it for you somehow that’s not enough! I told her to think about stopping smoking put the money aside so she can use it towards a down payment for dental work to which she started screaming at me saying it’s her only vice why should she just because I don’t like smoking (which obviously has nothing to do with me saying that)

She sounds like a liability and you’ve been very good to tolerate her at all. Refusing to wash her hands after smoking to handle your newborn is horrible. It’s not your responsibility to sort out a loan so she can have expensive implants, let her get NHS dentures. If she wants implants she can get a job.

I think, sadly, that is the best thing you can do in the circumstances - for you and your family. She WANTS the anguish, hurt and frustration from you. That's what motivates her. If you don't respond then it cuts off her supply. Cut her out and grey rock all the way. Take back your life and live it in peace and happiness - that is the best way of all. You've reclaimed your self-worth. She has no power over you.

Be on the alert for messages and professions of "apology" and "love". They are efforts to lure you back so the cycle of abuse can begin again. Don't fall for it. Have a look at the Out of the FOG website, you might find it helpful. Out of the FOG - Index

Best wishes to you. x

Gosh, how has she let her teeth get so bad? Then there’s the issue of you sorting her bills and debts for her. It sounds like she needs help.
have you considered she may be unwell, not coping?

Has her mental state deteriorated over the years?

I’d be concerned about her health tbf.

I may be way off here, but is it possible she wants you to sort a loan for her regardless of the teeth? Is the problem that the dentist won't give a cost because they just won't do implants, but she wants to have the money to spend anyway? She sounds as though she is good at running up debt she cannot afford. Implants are abut £5k each tooth! How would she ever repay that from benefits? If you ever allow yourself to be dragged into this again (DON'T!!) please be very sure that you are in no way liable for her debts.
Congrats on the incoming baby! Save your energy for your kids. xx

I have tried to tell her this kindly that it’s not cheap at all but she never listens - if she actually got a proper quote from a dentist then I could understand but she hasn’t yet ! x
thank you!

She is in a complete fantasy world. I don't know what her problems are but she is not behaving like a loving mother and I would give her a wide berth for the time being. If you are worried contact her GP or social worker or whoever is involved in her care.

Her mental state has gone down over the last 4/5 years it doesn’t help that she is on her own she doesn’t work and she has fallen down this rabbit hole of social media throeries all that sort of stuff she doesn’t actually get out the house much (hence why she offered to do the school run) but life is busy and we don’t always get to see her every weekend especially when kids have parties activities etc but she doesn’t like to do normal things she wouldn’t go cinema etc she likes to come round offload everything she’s seen online and leave even in front of the kids she’ll talk about murderers peadophiles daily and it’s exhausting to be around.

it makes me sad as I just want a normal relationship but I feel like it’s lost and she won’t seek help as she doesn’t think anything is wrong

If she hasn't always been this way, just gone strange the past couple of years, then there's something else going on. She could be lonely, thus getting hooked on conspiracy theory which is really bad for your mental health. She could be depressed, she could be feeling run down and poorly but can't explain how she feels. As for the dentist, has she got one even? I have only just managed to register with a NHS dentist since covid closed my old one down. It's easy for people to say she's crazy, and maybe she is, but look to see what has changed in her life and ask your brother what he feels is causing this.

How can I help her tho? Serious question because I try spend as much time with her as I can but it’s hard when she never wants to do much I try encourage her to do some hobbies - this is exactly what’s happened she’s lonely got hooked overthinks everything but I can only physically do so much when she doesn’t see anything wrong with her way of living. There is literally no talking to her, if I say to her can we talk about normal things she’ll just say it’s because I want to live in my bubble I’m not sure what much else I can do. She’s already said that her doing the school run is taking over her life 3 days a week so it just shows how much she is bothered about getting out the house.

Oh honestly. Very low contact fora while and take care of yourself. X

Thank you

I'm sorry. She sounds really bad. I don't think you've done anything wrong. Unfortunately, you can't choose your relatives. I don't have a great relationship with my mother and she definitely prefers my brother. Every time I've seen her recently I end up feeling cross for weeks. I've taken the decision to step away from the relationship as much as I can for my own sanity. Maybe you need to do the same? X

Narcissist alert. Focus on you kids and pregnancy OP.

I know yet she calls everyone else a narcissist !

Congratulations

This is sensible in conjunction with TheQueenOfTheNight.

She sounds as if she’s got mental health issues and with the conspiracy theories and basic things like telling for children dinosaurs are not real, I agree with TheQueenOfTheNight that I think I’d prefer she didn’t see your children alone.

She perhaps thought that it would be more childcare with another child and reacted quickly without thinking and just blocked you.

She probably does feel slightly used and Mother’s Day was the final straw and it’s all blown up. It sounds as though it’s not rational though. As you say you cannot sort out a loan without knowing the amount. She offered the childcare, perhaps didn’t realise the commitment and the resentment has been building over a period of time. She often comes to yours rather you going there, which might make sense from certain viewpoints but resentment has been building three too.

It’s not you though but her. She has no friends and your siblings have previous had this. It’s awful for you to have experienced this though especially around Mother’s Day when you were trying to do something nice and had exciting news. Nevertheless very upsetting. Can you chat this through or get support from elsewhere like your partner (who presumably has seen this before) or your siblings (who have gone through this before and know what she’s like). Sounds like you need a sounding board to talk some of this out and get it off your chest!

Your mom has a lot of unspoken rage, for some reasons she's seeing you as the one who is the privileged, and everyone and everything should move around you.

She's into conspiracy theories, which could be an indication of a mental health issue going on, especially because she's extreme about it.

Possibly she's into a paranoid circle even over yourself.

From what you say I know you're truly dealing with a lot of stuff, pregnancy, work, 2 young kids, etc. nevertheless, by what you said she sees you as the entitled one, forgetting her needs, disregarding her.

That's your dynamics, right or wrong is not in question, but that's why I think she has resentment for you. And the mental health issue.
Hence her choice to not spend mothers day with you. And block you as the last resort.

You tell about abusive messages, I think that's where the key is, read through them and possibly she's telling you why she's angry .

I'd be truly upset in your shoes, really.

However sometimes people are not reasonable, having expectations of some kind, feeling neglected etc where you're actually dealing with so much yourself. And I feel there is a mental health issue too, maybe going on for all of her life, becoming manifest here.

Let the moment pass. I don't know her, you do. Kindness will help, like a card, a visit etc, but by what you said it looks like she's into a vicious circle of paranoia, phobias etc

She's dealing with a problem that you can't solve, because you're not a mental health practitioner.

Honestly without knowing her I can't say what really goes on, but certainly blocking your daughter is a sign of a disturbed relationship, where logic doesn't work.

She's your mom, you can't divorce from her, but plan how to keep a relationship with her that is safe for herself, yourself, your children.

Well that's classic projection and gaslighting i.e. narcissist traits.

I think "narcissist" is really overused as a term and has become unhelpful. I think it's more useful to focus on the behaviours that you dislike and encourage your mother to do the same. Based on what you've said here, the behaviours she dislikes boil down to "everyone else is not doing what I want".

Your mother sounds horrible. In your position I would keep her at arm’s length as much as possible.