What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

Well tbh it does sound like she is. She’s always coming to you and pick up three days a week is a lot.

I’m not criticising you - looks like the offer was there and of course you accepted. But presumably she’s in her 60s and it’s becoming too much for her to plan her life around you.

Yes she should have communicated but if everyone was good at communication, the whole world would be at peace at right!

No she’s not in her 60s she’s younger she’s 55

tbh a lot of the times she will just turn up so weekends in the morning etc so never get chance to go to hers. I do however go for breakfast with her in the week on my days off I will plan and say do you want to go out I’ll pick you up etc which I have done many many times so the effort is there. Christmas birthdays I’ll always go out of my way cook for her Christmas Day over Christmas invite her out where I can. Never been the other way round.

Pushed to the edge with stress? She doesn’t work she’s on benefits which is absolutely fine, I work look after two kids run a house - yet because I invited her for breakfast on Mother’s Day as a nice gesture (well so I thought) I’m in the wrong. Just because I don’t go to her house as often as she comes to my house ?

I wouldn’t feel comfortable turning up at her house to be honest she can be quite nasty. She didn’t talk to me for 9 months after my first child was born as I asked her to wash her hands after having a cigarette before holding the baby this was the day after my child was born, and I asked her to just let me know if she was coming round as I didn’t want her turning up and waking the baby as we have a dog.

as I am writing these I feel like I’m reminding myself to be honest why this is probably for the best

It sounds like she could be mentally unwell. Also sounds like she is feeling stressed and unappreciated for all the support she gives you, and that stress has been simmering and led to an explosion. I'd be worried if that was my mum.
Did you thank her for her pick ups or just tell her she didn't need to do it anymore? It sounds quite blunt the way it is in your post. I think that would get most people's backs up.

I guess you will know her better than us. Going on your OP alone, it sounds like she’s had enough and lashed out.

Even if it’s not about you, her behaviour is so unusual that she must have something else going on and she’s taken it out on you, as who blocks their own child on WhatsApp and SM?!

Something is bothering her and whether you should go running after her to appease or leave it for a while depends on your relationship more generally (does she have a history of throwing tantrums and wanting attention, or is this unusual).

Sorry you have to deal with this when pregnant - whether it’s your first or third pregnancy, unnecessary drama is the last thing you need!

I’m wondering if she’s resentful she needs a loan at all. I’m wondering if she wants you to pick up the tab for it in return for all of the child care, which obviously would be unreasonable if that’s the case. Or perhaps she wants to return to work to pay for her teeth but feels trapped by the childcare arrangements and has blocked you because she senses she will be doing more childcare for the new baby.

She is no doubt behaving childishly, but I think there is probably a lot of frustration about something behind it.

Mothers day was probably the final straw because she’s your mother but she was having to come to you instead. I think she likely feels invisible and a bit used. She possibly thinks your message about her no longer needing to do childcare was also a bit flouncy and she has reacted in a knee jerk way by blocking you on everything.

I would just go around and talk to her when the dust settles and ask her where the frustration is coming from.

She could be physically in pain or have ongoing infection. Teeth don’t just “fall out”.
You’re quick to blame her and say condescending comments “doesn’t work/on benefits”.
You’re blocked end of, let it rest.

I think a break from her would do you the world of good @unsureforevermore.
Stop feeling guilty. She is being quite unpleasant and difficult. Let her crack on without you and you do the same.

Her teeth have been falling out for years - it’s been years of to and from dentists etc. the NHS have offered her dentures etc however she’s said that she wants implants which I completely understand. However the NHS have said it’s because of her smoking but also could be years of medication so she’s not getting anywhere with the implants.
I didn’t mean that to come across as condescending I was just saying that she doesn’t work so it’s not like she’s having to sort childcare round her work (which I wouldn’t expect her to do anyway)

To be fair I think you underestimate the impact of doing pick up three days a week. Her entire day has to be planned around being free at 3pm and that can be restrictive on someone.

Yes I know she offered, but it’s not unusual to offer and not realise until after how difficult it is. My mum similarly offered to do pick up for me but I refused as it’s a huge burden on someone.

Sounds like she’s a poor communicator but she’s clearly not happy about something!

Your mum sounds like mine. From the abusive messages to the conspiracy theories and unreasonable expectations. She cut me out of her life 7 years ago because I told her to stop having a go at me and it happened to be on the family WhatsApp so she was embarrassed that I stood up to her. She blocked me on everything, at the time she cut the whole family off but she's since made up with every single person and even been on holiday with them. I haven't had so much as a text. My DD was 5 at the time and is now 12, I also have a 1 year old but still nothing. It hurts but she's done me a favour, she was nothing but trouble in all honesty.

Anyway, I'm sorry shes done this to you. It's not you, it's her. Give yourself some breathing space and see how everything is in a few months, you might count your blessings.

I knew you were going to say she's a smoker. I've known a few lose teeth.

I think she sounds awful to he honest. I can't understand all those saying she's stressed etc. And blaming you.

The break will do you good. Don't run after her. She's younger than me and I'm quite capable of sorting my own finances. And everything else in life.

If you're worried at all your db will keep an eye on her won't he? What's she like with him?

Does it feel like she has set you up in order to knock you down in the past? Does she like to have things that you 'owe' her for? Most people, if they had offered to mind your DC and were finding it too much, would say that they wanted to stop and would give enough notice for you to arrange something else.

My DM can sometimes be quite passive-aggressive and argumentative, usually when she's tired, ill or in pain, historically she has been perfectly reasonable most of the time. I try to ignore the attempt to start an argument (well, I do my best to), I don't justify or explain when it's clear that she would twist it to suit her martyr feeling. I definitely don't go running to do things to try and make her happy with me again. I let her be and then just resume the relationship as normal when she's reasonable again. Although more recently since she has started to exhibit signs of dementia I need to keep a closer eye on her so I keep visits short and to the point and ignore the pointed remarks as though I can't even hear them. When the DC were small I had childcare arranged. She offered to have them so that I didn't need to pay for it, but I kept it in place anyway and told her that she was free to have them whenever she wanted. Turns out that she didn't often want to so it's a good thing that I didn't cancel the arrangements.

In your position I would try to be self-sufficient so that she can't get you to rely on her for anything and then let you down suddenly. When she gets back in contact with you again ignore the bad behaviour. Set clear boundaries on what you do for her, so for the loan be explicit "I'm happy to help you, get a quote from the dentist and let me know when you've done that and then we can organise the loan". Continue to invite her for tea etc, maybe drop in to her once a week for 10 minutes when you are passing, so contact but not too much for either of you. Don't validate any irrational accusations with a response.

No she doesn’t plan on going back to work at all.
I have said if I had the money I would pay for her teeth in a heart beat and also if I could get a loan in my name for her I would but we have a remortgage coming up and it’s not something that I could guarantee that she would keep up payments for.

I can appreciate that re Mother’s Day but wouldn’t you just say no I don’t fancy coming for breakfast why don’t you pop to mine? Yes absolutely no problem. I wouldn’t have not seen her on Mother’s Day if that meant me popping to hers absolutely no problem- in my head I was trying to do something nice cooking her breakfast which also would be my Mother’s Day with my children.

I would never, ever treat my daughter the way she's treating you.

Implants wouldn't work if she's still smoking anyway, it's the smoking causes gum disease and makes the teeth drop out. You can't get implants on the nhs and would be a waste to get into debt for something that would most likely fail.

She sounds like a very awkward personality, I would enjoy the peace that her blocking you will give! Congratulations on the new baby👩‍🦲🥰

I don’t underestimate as I also do the school run so I fully appreciate how it’s bang in the middle of the day etc. she’s offered to help out over school holidays and I’ve always said no as I’ve said it’s too much for her and used holiday clubs so it’s not like I’m taking the absolute mick. I have always made it clear if it’s too much I can use clubs.

I have said in a nice way that unless you stop smoking a dentist won’t do implants anyway. To which I get screamed at that it’s not the smoking that has made her teeth fall out.

thank you! I think your right about the peace

Oh yes it’s very much she is owed because she raised us.

most of the time she will go off on one It settles and then she will just start talking to me like nothing has happened. My sister hasn’t spoke to her for two years and my brother was NC for 7 however they are talking again now.

yeah I had already said find out exactly how much you need from the dentist and I will sort it no problem but she hasn’t done that so not quite sure what else I’m meant to do.

My brother keeps his distance but he will keep an eye for me. I do worry about her as she is on her own doesn’t really have any friends round her etc so I do my best but she’s not the easiest person to have a relationship with.
she tells my daughter frequently girls shouldn’t play football etc and she is quite forthcoming with her strong views, no one is right but her.

Yikes the less childcare the better!

She sounds toxic. Don't feel sorry she has no friends. That's her own fault.

Yeah, your mother is being crazy. I wouldn't worry about it.

At least now you know why she hasn’t been out with anyone in years. It’s her shiny, loving personality.

She sounds horrible and not someone I would want round my children. I would back right off and leave her too it.