What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

I have literally no idea why people are defending her unless they're 'playing devil's advocate' or some other such tiresome nonsense. Blocking all communication routes to your child is not normal behaviour. Even if all the outlandish suggested reasons for her behaviour were true, can't she use her words like a grown up? The fact she has done that show it's her, not you.

Spend the time before she unblocks you (which she will I'm sure when she feels she's backed up enough attention) trying to work out how you can just ignore this behaviour and let it wash over you. If you're brought up by someone it's pretty hard to not be bothered by this stuff but stand firm and don't beg, you have done nothing wrong.

Whatever the ins and outs of the fine detail (loans, school pick etc), for a mother to find out her child is pregnant and then block her is weird and horrible. Any mother/daughter can sometimes bicker about who does what, it's normal and doesn't mean you don't love each other. But all that would go straight in the bin the minute a pregnancy was announced because happiness and excitement would take over. If you're less appalled by your mother's behaviour than I am, I wonder if you've just become used to abusive behaviour. I feel really bad for you. Your mother sounds awful.

She sounds unstable and possibly with a personality disorder, which you can't control or fix for her. I'm guessing you've had a lifetime of being trained to anticipate her moods, second-guessing yourself and putting your own feelings last. If so, well done for creating a life away from her. Nobody else has put up with her except family, have they? Again that's not your issue to fix, if she's often alone and burns through friends that's her issue.

The only way to break the cycle is to do it yourself-she won't change and your children are watching the dynamic and are more aware of it than you realise. Let them have a childhood away from her negative influence. You know she'll be back eventually, don't let her see the children without you. She'll just be dropping poison into their ears.

It's not you, it's her. Most people won't understand so don't waste time trying to convince them.

She sounds horrible. Does she drink? Could her mood swings and weird views on life be due to drinking to excess?
Congratulations on your pregnancy btw.

I just want to say - I really feel you. Your mum sounds exactly like mine. She's also blocked me. LOL. She's never come to visit my in my new house which I've been in for 11 months. She lives 20 mins away.

Mums like ours are bitter and miserable and probably jealous. Let her go.

She sounds nuts, especially with the not speaking to you after asking her to wash her hands after smoking before holding a baby. Ask your brother to keep an eye and enjoy the pregnancy.

And she's still too stressed a week later to think better of it and try to make amends?

OP's mother is clearly of the type that she wants everything her way. She probably looks after the GC so that she can point out what an amazing grandmother she is. OP has not been properly grateful and bend over backwards enough so she is being punished by the silent treatment.
She fully expects OP to come grovelling.

OP - you have nothing to apologise for and I think its' better your children don't have so much contact with such a toxic person.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I don't know why some pp are giving you a hard time over this.

Her behaviour is so strange and down right unreasonable it really sounds as though she has mental health issues.

I can't see that you have done anything wrong and whatever you do don't let her attitude and tantrums affect you and make you feel guilty.

If I were you I would just get on with your life and don't bother trying to get in touch with her.

Unless she tells you that she's unhappy with child care, tells you the information about the teeth, tells you that she is unhappy always going to yours, how on earth were you supposed to know? You could've put things right rather than her resentment build up to blocking you. It's insane. How are you guys supposed to work things out together if blocked?

I feel like this is about something else, and every grievance she has with you has come up.

TBF though, 3 times a week for childcare is a lot, and you are having another too?

From what you've said, I think you're probably better off not having her around your children too much, putting strange ideas into their heads etc. If she does come back to you, I'd limit her time alone with your children (to zero). It sounds like you're able to manage fine without this help so she's the only one losing out if she enjoys having any sort of relationship with her grandchildren.

"I can appreciate that re Mother’s Day but wouldn’t you just say no I don’t fancy coming for breakfast why don’t you pop to mine? Yes absolutely no problem. I wouldn’t have not seen her on Mother’s Day if that meant me popping to hers absolutely no problem- in my head I was trying to do something nice cooking her breakfast which also would be my Mother’s Day with my children."

Maybe she's pissed off that you even suggested it since dragging herself round to your place yet again isn't really making an effort for her.

Also, can you stop saying "pop"?

Edited to say that I didn't mean to quote Batties

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I agree with the points raised by @TheQueenOfTheNight

I think, although this situation is upsetting for you, it can be horrible when a close relative has a nasty reaction to pregnancy news, but in a way, its good that its come to a head, because it means you can take stock of how you want to proceed and how much more you can put up with.

Her behaviour sounds really erratic and angry. Screaming at you because you agree with the dentist's conclusion is abusive, telling your DD that girls shouldn't play football..etc... I wouldn't be happy about her having as much contact with the DC anyway.

Saying congratulations and then blocking you was brutal and I'm not surprised you are upset. She knows full well that she needed to tell you the amount of the loan and that you have helped in the past. Was she perhaps expecting you to offer to pay for it yourself?

Sounds very much like Turning the cold shoulder to people who don't automatically agree with you or give into your demands in order to pressurize you into doing what they want. Using it to keep you in line.

I've seen relatives exactly like this - they love to make people feel so guilty that they'd do anything to placate them, and I would not be surprised if She was kicking off deliberately to make you feel so bad that you do offer to pay for the dental, just to resume normal relations. Otherwise why couldn't she just say how much the loan is for and discuss it with you like a normal person.? She's pushing you into a corner where it feels like the only way the money will be raised is via you, because she can't/wont discuss it with you.

She had you running around to plan a nice mother's day celebration, and that's the moment she chose to kick off.. I really don't think that's any co-incidence. She did it to ratch up the guilt and impact. Complaining that she had to go to your house to be hosted, entertained and receive gifts is just ridiculous - its not like she was going to offer to do that at her house anyway was it?

Has she done something similar in the past and got her own way, got you to apologise and beg forgiveness and do whatever you could to make amends?

Its unlikely you could change the way she treats you, but you don't have to put up with it. You don't have to feel guilty everytime. I'm not suggesting NC, although you say your siblings have already been through this with her, but as a pp said.. make sure you are not under an obligation to her for anything from now on, and have some space

I’m probably wrong here, but does she want you to take the loan out in your name?

I say pop round all the time. Pop here and there. What a thing to pick on ffs.

Honestly OP, enjoy the peace. It’s all too much drama and healthy family relationships aren’t like that. For me if a family member has gone to the point of blocking me, I’m done.

PIL did this last year 2 weeks after our son was born, didn’t reply to husband’s message letting them know he was here, no acknowledgement whatsoever, no text/call/visit and then we noticed one day we had been blocked everywhere. I’m sure they expected us to bend over backwards to get in touch but instead we accepted they are who they are, arseholes, and our lives have been so peaceful without their bloody drama.

What’s wrong with saying pop?

i don’t see how I wasn’t making an effort to be honest. As I said if she didn’t want to come for breakfast just say and I would have POPPED into to see her not a problem. Didn’t need to be nasty really in my opinion.

Your mother sounds absolutely awful and I imagine over the years you have tolerated a great deal of abusive/problematic behaviour from her.

Let her get on with it. Enjoy the peace and use the time to reflect on the relationship or just relish the space from it.

And don’t be guilted by some posters for ever having agreed to her doing the school run. That doesn’t justify anything. You aren’t responsible for her or her missing teeth or money issues.

Sounds like you are better off without her

Your DM could be in terrible pain and distress from her teeth issue.

I would read the change to school pick ups as a rejection too.

Sounds like she needs to talk and be given that space. Is she ok with your DB?

How old is your mum. If bordering elderly,urine infections can make them totally unhinged. Id be visiting her. Are you an only child.

She sounds awful. But whatever transpires - by all means help her to source a loan if you want to - but DO NOT apply on her behalf or sign anything that names you as "guarantor" for a loan for her. When she defaults, the lender will come after you for your money and assets if she cannot repay.

But it sounds like this is really the least of your problems with her. I'm sorry. Congratulations on your new pregnancy.

You might like to check out the MN Stately Homes threads - helpful, kind advice and solidarity for those with abusive parents: SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes | Mumsnet. x

You know your mum best, if this is out of character it’s probably about her losing her teeth - that would be horrible for anyone. I’d wait until you both calm down and talk later on.

if she’s always been like this just focus on yourself and your pregnancy

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I'm surprised how much slack the thread is cutting your mother. She sounds extremely difficult, to put it mildly, and probably abusive, depending on the backstory. You sound as though you've probably been too tolerant of her behaviour in the past. If she's been NC at times with both your siblings and doesn't have any friends, I think it's pretty clear who the problem is, and it's not you. I think I'd enjoy the p&q while you're blocked and consider whether you'd actually be better off extending it if and when she gets back in touch. She doesn't sound like the best person for your kids to be around either. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Her reaction to that alone is horrible.