What would you do! Am I in the wrong here ?

[unsureforevermore]

Ok so bit of a back story - I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child I have a 8 and 5 year old too.

I hadn’t told any friends or family re pregnancy as wanted to wait till after the scan and planned to tell family on Mother’s Day.

I invited my mum for breakfast Mother’s Day as I had planned for the kids to tell my mum (we had told them the night before) anyway my mum turned round a few days later said she was now busy on Mother’s Day so she couldn’t see us. Which I said that’s fine lovely where you off to etc (she hasn’t really been anywhere with anyone for years) I asked if she got chance to pop in that day she could to which she then went off on me stating that I am not the queen and why should she always come to my house. I then told her to let me know when she was home and I would pop to her.

After this it then escalated into a barrage of messages off her giving me abuse, stating that I never go to her house (it has been that she normally comes to mine as it’s been easier re the kids and tbh she usually just turns up at my house, also I would invite her to my house for tea etc however the invitation is never returned)

Also she was messaging me stating that I have not even bothered to help her look for a loan to finance so teeth repairs that she needs - I had previously said I would help her if she finds out how much she needs etc but she never has done.

Furthermore she then turned round and said that she feels that her life is passing her by because of all the childcare she does ! She collects the children from school 3 days a week and drops them at my house as these are the days I work (this is something she offered to do as I previously used after school club and I pay her petrol money for doing so, it’s about a 25 min round trip for her as she doesn’t live far)

Anyway I didn’t see her on Mother’s Day as she was basically sending me abuse all day I messaged her on Mother’s Day so say I hope she had a nice day and I basically told her I was pregnant and that was the reason I asked her to come for breakfast. I told her that she didn’t need to do school pick ups anymore as I didn’t want them to put her out also.

She replied to my message with a “no worries congratulations”

And she has since blocked me on everything she removed me off social media and blocked me on WhatsApp!

I feel like I’m going crazy like how am I meant to look for a loan for something I have no idea how much someone needs, also I tried to do something nice and do breakfast on Mother’s Day and it just get thrown back at my face.

Would you reach out ? Well I mean I can’t actually message her anyway

Maybe she is struggling with menopause at 55

You deserve so much better than a mother who treats you like this. I would recommend therapy to help you move on or put boundaries in. She is being controlling by withholding contact and sounds awful.

I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and your children and you'll be amazed how much more free you will feel without her.

Also the loan might well be via the dentist (that’s how I did mine) so they need to be involved first.

Sometimes people can get like this with a neurological problem, but if her tooth repairs are for pain, as opposed to cosmetic, well toothache can make people grumpy too, and affect sleep. I would try to meet her 1:1 to talk through everything. Assuming this is a new issue.

I know this isn’t really what the thread is about but have you or she checked whether she will be eligible for any help with dental costs if she is on a low income?

Why does OP need to “sense” this?! Sounds like she is busy enough already and her mum is a grown adult. Plus with the smoking then the tooth issue is going to be hard to properly resolve

I’m intrigued by the comments about the mum being stressed. About what?! Doesn’t sound like she does much

In OP’s shoes then l would give it no thought and enjoy the new baby. People like your mum are rarely happen and love to take things out on people. Why be her whipping boy

Some people are just ultra difficult, and with the blocking, the conspiracy theories, the huffing and the clear sense of entitlement without any attempt to give rather than just demand and take, your mother is very clearly one of them. Don't feel guilty, and just ignore the PPs who claim it must somehow be your fault. It's not. I wish you much fortitude.

Sounds like she is struggling a bit with life, I’d drop her a note or some flowers and make a fuss of her.

I'm sorry but she sounds mentally ill :(

I mean - look OP - she sounds quite a difficult person, sounds like shes struggling with some things - i totally get the despair with falling down a rabbit hole of conspiracy theories - my dad is currently there and its hard work (not to mention he is always right, even if he tells us the sky is actually green). Its a bladdy nightmare trying to reason with him most times.

However - i do think as well, she has just snapped at how much she does do you - whether or not she volunteered or not, and whether or not she was vocal about not managing. What i dont think is great is using her for childcare, which you seemingly are grateful for, then when its imploded there are all these things that are wrong with your mum - did all these things not exist when she was helping you? Or did you not choose to see/address it when she was helping you?

Either which way - shes blocked you, and it seems doesnt want a relationship with you, but equally you dont want your kids around someone like that surely - they are young and impressionable. Get a sitter/childcare put in place. Congrats on the pregnancy 💐 and good luck.

My god, I’ve kept an eye on this thread as I have a tricky mum too.
the comments excusing the mums behaviour when she is clearly emotionally abusive are appalling!!
Surely if she’s stressed, resentful, in pain anything really other than mentally ill (which does sound likely a possible cause by reading the OP posts) it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.
she sounds very manipulative and an appalling communicator.
OP, please prioritise your own well being and that of your baby and children, there are far too many adult offspring spend their time and energy trying to get acceptance from narcissistic parents (I’m still learning)
id maybe write her a letter saying you’re not really sure the cause of her upset, you’ll be willing to speak if she wants, if not you wish her well.
id strongly suggest some therapy to address how you relate to people as I recognise alot of my own traits in your post her where you’ve been treated like shit and you’re still trying to go back and get approval from the person dishing out the shit
good luck OP, you deserve better xx

It’s not you @unsureforevermore 🙏

I’m sorry you have to put up with her and that your own Mother’s Day was ruined by her childish behaviour. She sounds bloody horrible to be honest with you, and she is most certainly abusive and manipulative. I can’t abide grown adults who are so unable to communicate their wants and needs that they begin to act like spiteful children. The fact that both of your siblings have had extended periods of not speaking to her tells me everything I need to know.

At least cut her out for the sake of your children if nothing else - her snarky, horrible comments about what they choose to do will never end and will undoubtedly begin to impact their self esteem. Try and prioritise yourself and your family over the lunatic you’ve unfortunately been birthed by. As other posters have mentioned, you seem like quite a people pleaser (which I understand - I have a similar relationship in my own family). I think therapy might be really useful to you. Congrats on your baby, and best of luck to you x

I agree with @EvieBB - she sounds unwell.

Is your brother still in contact with her? What does he think?

Let her sort her own bloody loan out or if she doesn't want to do that she can let the rest of her teeth fall out, then fuck herself with a pineapple before I would help her.

If your mother is only 55, why can't she sort out her own loans, teeth etc?

Honestly, reading your opening post and all your follow-ups, I think I'd be delighted that she'd blocked me, because she sounds like the worst kind of entitled, selfish twat.

Sorry op but your mum sounds incredibly immature and just plain horrid. Who sends their own daughter abusive messages?

Don't do anything for her until she apologises for her abusive messages. As for blocking her own daughter on social media that is so childish. Can't imagine doing that to my daughter

It sounds to me like you’ve put up with emotional abuse by your DM for your whole life. You’ve understated a bunch of bad/ hurtful/ malicious behaviour from her.

Sorry she couldn’t have communicated better before you told her about your pregnancy. I hope you can take a happy break from her. She sounds quite unhinged and not what you need around you with three young kids.

The moment my mother blocks me on anything (she never would) she would be dead to me.

If you tolerate that you're not setting a very good example for your children. Bin her off

If you know which GP surgery she uses you could write to them and say you're concerned about her health, if her behaviour is really out of character and you think it's worth ruling out dementia / other conditions that can cause bizarre behaviour.

If not, you could try adult social care / police for a welfare check. But if your brother is in touch with her and she seems ok this probably isn't necessary.

If this is a continuation of generally difficult behaviour then read all the things about fear/obligation/guilt. Think about how to manage the situation for your children - they probably shouldn't be unsupervised with someone spouting conspiracy theories.

I’ve seen this sort of thing with my MIL. Your mum might be different but here’s the deal with MIL just in case it helps.
MIL is emotionally abusive and always has been. Sometimes quite subtle and always “justified” twisted in with “all that I do for you” which are actually not even basic motherly duties.
she suffers from delayed RSD due to undiagnosed ADHD.
always in debt (classic ADHD trait) and “can’t” work so expects everyone to pay for her needs.
she makes a drama out of anything that takes her fancy to make her seem important or justify her need to always be angry. A dopamine hit.
smoking and addictions are common in severe ADHD. In my MIL’s case it’s tramadol for back pain.
denial of the real cause or denial of reality (smoking is bad for her teeth) is also common as it means that they don’t have to take responsibility for what’s really going wrong in their life or what they reallly need to change.

RSD is rejection sensitive disphoria. If she feels inadequate about something (eg someone else has attention and she doesn’t, or a “better” life than her or someone makes a positive decision in their life (eg new job) that she couldn’t make so she’s jealous).., hours or days later she will be horrid to someone close to her in order to make herself feel better about this inadequacy from hours or days before.

it sounds like your mum has problems and just creates conflict and drama wherever she goes. I’d protect your peace if I were you. Do not get into debt for her.

You shouldn't been through that. As you are pregnant, and you need your mother for support. Your mother should always be with you. As a mother of Two kids. I understand how that felt. My mom wasn't supporting me but taking all the money I had saved since I was a child. It was bad but I got a job and now got a lot of it. Girl we are here if you need to talk to us. I am Ciera by the way if you want to be friends.😊

What is your mum living off if she doesn’t work? She’s got over a decade until the state pension kicks in? How will she get a loan if she has no income?

I’m quite surprised at some of these replies to be honest. You’re hardly forcing her into doing days on end of childcare, she offered despite you having other arrangements in place and she brings them straight to your home so it’s hardly back breaking work. To be honest, this just sounds like the latest in a long, long line of terrible behaviour. It’s very telling that both your siblings have previously gone or are still no contact with her. Don’t blame yourself op, some people are just fucking hard work!!

Also! Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐