Support thread for autistic people in relationships with NTs

[IncompleteSenten]

I am autistic. (Diagnosed). I was DX as an adult after both my sons were DX and the professionals involved with them began to raise it with me.

Female autism typically presents very differently in women and is often missed and so we go through years of our lives feeling weird and confused and all sorts and just not knowing why.

My husband is NT. It can be really difficult. Its not his fault, it's just how it is but I thought maybe if there are a few of us we can have our own thread where we get to chat and talk about things we find hard and perhaps give each other advice?

@hopperrock
I think the longer you have masked, the harder it is to find the real you. Even now, I have to think hard about what my actual likes and dislikes are and I still sometimes end up getting sucked up into the NT world and attempt to emulate people.
I sat and wrote a list of all things I would like to do, wear, watch, eat, see if I was alone and had no NT interference and I try to do those things. Allow yourself to be.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my
two best friends are therapists (not MY therapists, obviously!). They’re therefore both very comfortable with direct and deep level
communication, which I enjoy. One is also ND (although not autistic) and we enjoy bonding over shared traits.

On the subject of parenting and overwhelm, does anyone else struggle with deliberate baby/silly voices? my dc do this constantly and it’s like nails on a blackboard. I’ve taken to saying ‘mummy can’t understand when you talk like that’ because it’s technically true (all i can hear is IRRITATION ) and because I’d feel awful for making them feel bad or self conscious about it when they’re just having fun.

In terms of partners who think we should ‘just deal with’ noise, I’ve explained it to DH as being like me asking him to ‘just deal with’ someone constantly blowing an air horn in his face. He seemed to get that!

It takes my brain 3 hours every night to shut down. I lie awake for 3 hours with my thoughts racing. Does anybody have any tricks or solutions to getting to sleep quicker?
I’m jealous of my husband who starts snoring as soon as he shuts his eyes.

re baby voices, i don’t mean actual babies, obviously i mean primary age kids and up

@beefsupreme I wear my headphones and watch ASMR videos. Guaranteed I'm asleep in 10 minutes. There are lots of different types, tapping, visual stims etc.

@knitfastdiewarm "Maria spinning" I LOVE that imagery! That really made me smile

[quote ofwarren]@hopperrock
I think the longer you have masked, the harder it is to find the real you. Even now, I have to think hard about what my actual likes and dislikes are and I still sometimes end up getting sucked up into the NT world and attempt to emulate people.
I sat and wrote a list of all things I would like to do, wear, watch, eat, see if I was alone and had no NT interference and I try to do those things. Allow yourself to be.[/quote]
I relate to this. It’s like I never let myself have interests because I didn’t want to enjoy something in case it was too niche and made me look weird or I came across as too obsessed.
I still don’t really know who I am. I even refuse to tell my husband what I’ve been reading or watching. He wouldn’t make fun of me so I don’t understand why I’m still so guarded.

@beefsupreme I'm the same with my husband. He also wouldn't criticise me but I hide what videos I watch and don't start all sorts of craft things I want to try, in case he sees and asks me about it. It's the being asked about it that I don't want I think. I hate being asked what I'm doing or watching. I really don't want to explain.

Re: all the "try harder" type comments, my deaf wife was once told in school to "listen harder". So at least I know its not an NT thing but a blinkered idiot thing..! Also means subtitles are always on here, so win win for me

Thanks for your replies, love the Maria analogy! (I watched that film at least once a day for most of my student years.)

I am partly very excited about diagnosis and but also scared of the changes it might precipitate. I filled in the first batch of questionnaires yesterday (probably why today is a bed day now I think about it) and I can feel change already. And feeling guilty about what me "becoming" more autistic will mean for the people around me. I guess it can only be good though.

I don't have any friends either - previously I was always the extra one in a three, or the quiet odd friend of a glamorous alpha type person. I sometimes meet really nice people who like me but they give up in the end, because I just let things fizzle out, even though I would like to be friends. Ugh, so confusing.

I'm on a noisy train with lots of different voices all competing. People need to learn to be quiet. Dd says in Japan people are very quiet and respectful of others and would never be loud on a train.
Last night Dd wrote out a list of all my traits and all her traits. She's a lot more like me than I realised. Nobody would believe we were autistic though as we do eye contact (with difficulty) and friends (more acquaintances and her best friend is Autistic too and they get each other well but sadly they don't get to see each other often) We stim in different ways but very similar with needing quiet, not liking socialising, preferring animals over people, intense interests, texture avoiding or seeking depending what it is, she doesn't like different foods mixed together like shepherds pie or lasagne and basically doesn't understand people and usually offends them by being honest. It's nice to have a partner in crime against NTs 😁

@autisticlegolover that sounds lovely. I wish I had that with my son. We have a similar sense of humour but sensory wise we are different in every way.
I've always thought living in Japan must be blissful for autistics. I wonder if that's why so many autistic kids love the culture? It's somewhere I definitely want to go once things are better with covid.

@hopperrock

I have spent almost all day lying in bed, don't know why, I just can't get going. The DC are teens and they're both out later this evening, I can't wait tbh.

Can I ask a question of anyone who was diagnosed as an adult after many years of masking - did you find that you allowed yourself to "become" (I guess I mean present as) more autistic compared to before your diagnosis? And if so, was that good? Did you "allow" it or did it just happen whether you liked it or not? I am in the process of diagnosis and a bit all over the place, getting completely lost and I have got no idea what's me now.

I was diagnosed in my early 50s. I still don't really know who I am or how to be. I have masked for decades and that's really all I know.

I've been working on understanding myself in this new context and slowly working things out. The diagnosis has allowed me to stop being so hard on myself, and I've been able to communicate some things to my husband (for example, I feel more "allowed" to explain that lumps in the mash cause such sensory problems that it feels everything is spoiled - and that it's not me just being fussy or picky). But on the whole I think I'm who I am and where I am now partly because of the patterns I've worked so hard to absorb and mimic. It's hard work though. I think I accept that that's how things are and will be for me, it's always going to be hard work. An earlier diagnosis might have changed that, perhaps.

I do feel better able to say to people "I can't tell if you're being serious when you say that" if I'm not sure if they are joking, that kind of thing.

@ofwarren Dd is Japan obsessed. Wants to live there. Is learning the language and culture. We are now in McDonald's and are both teaching meltdown point and da is annoying is both. I hate McDonald's-it's too everything.

[quote KnitFastDieWarm]@EatSleepRantRepeat I have deliberately sought out a career where my grammar pedantry is appreciated

@hoorayandupsherises I used to do exactly the same thing with the 1995 pride and prejudice! It provided teenage me with a calming escape.[/quote]
Um, are you an editor? If so, it's not just the Pride and Prejudice thing we have in common!

Thank you Aspersions, that all makes sense. I don't know how much of "masking me" is now "actual me", it's very confusing. I had a short chat with one of the peer support people the other day and asked about this - if the threshold for diagnosis is the effect that autism has on your life, what does that mean for people who have found ways to cope etc. She said in her case they unravelled lots of stuff she wasn't even aware of. I said, do you mean I am not as competent as I think I am and they will reveal that to me? And she said, basically, yes.

Being hard on myself for being rubbish at so many seemingly easy things is one reason I would like a diagnosis. I think it would help me to go easier on myself.

With you on the food thing, if I find a gristly bit of meat or a fish bone or a bay leaf I have to stop eating completely.

I was really looking forward to a child free evening tonight but just before the second one went out, the first one came back. With two friends 😣

@hopperrock In terms of having a detrimental effect on my life, I often see it in terms of spoons. I can mostly cope with existing, if I have enough resource in the bank to do the extra processing and actively to manage the stress/keep things under control. As soon as I don't have this, it's too much of a drain and it's big crash o'clock.

I find that sometimes I can do stuff and sometimes the same stuff is impossible for me. The difference is whether I've got the additional resource to do it. I've been cross at myself for years for not being able to do things I'd been able to do previously - but now that makes more sense and I'm a bit kinder to myself.

Good thread. I'm NT, parent to an autistic son and husband who is embarking on DX process for himself - will share this thread !

@aspersionsnasturiums that's exactly it, and NT people don't understand how you can do something once and then not be able to do it again. For example, I used to go to nightclubs with my friends when I was a teenager. I'd drink lots to dull the senses and I never really enjoyed it at all. If I attempted to go now, I would have an absolute meltdown!

Aaahhh the peace of home. Thank goodness for that.

Also diagnosed later in life. Still don't know who I am. Going through a nobody will love me with all these bloody quirks.... phase. Life is noisy today. Two neighbours coughing, one is watching the football and I'm getting football chants as well and, I've got the washing machine on for school uniform we had renovations making the wall shake today... Early.

Ex turned up really late for swimming so late I had the kids in the car ready to set off.

Spoons: I get a few for each day and maybe a couple of extra to be spread over the week. Once they are gone I get fatigue and can't get out of bed.

Oh my goodness, this thread is just what I need.

Not diagnosed with autism but I am SO obviously ASD. I don't think such diagnoses were to be had when I was younger and where I live now they don't do adult diagnosis. I'm not up for fighting for it.

I have six children, late teens to adults, and a NT dh.

Going to rtft now!

@hoorayandupsherises I am indeed! Are we twins?

[quote KnitFastDieWarm]@hopperrock I’m still in the diagnostic process, but definitely feel that I’m ‘allowing’ myself to be more autistic now, if that makes sense? I feel like that part of myself has been cooped up for so long that now it wants to run free. If my autism was a person, right right now it would be maria spinning around on top of a mountain in The Sound of Music

I also relate to the ‘bed as retreat’ thing. my default safe place if I’m overwhelmed is curling up in my bed in the daytime reading books. DH knows me so well that he’ll ‘send’ me off for a break if he can see I’m on the verge. Sometimes I put the hairdryer on for some soothing white noise and sensory niceness from the warm air. Bliss![/quote]
I found peace for the first time following my diagnosis 10+ years ago. It was like I had finally had permission to relax and just be. I didn't have pretend anymore and I didn't have to constantly try to conform. It was like opening the button on your jeans after eating too much. That sense of relief and being able to expand without restraint.