Reassure me - what's the worst thing your DCs have said in public?

[bethylou]

Whilst feeding DS2 (11 weeks) early this morning, DS1 (2.1years) was watching the Tweenies and the characters were pinching each other. He and I chatted about how pinching is naughty etc..

We went to the post office at lunchtime where he proceeded to lie on the floor screeching, "Don't pinch me Mummy!" at the top of his voice (because I had intervened in his attempts to empty a huge display of cotton reels). I obviously wasn't pinching him and hopefully people could see that, but it sounded as if that is what I usually do.

Reassure me that your DCs have said similarly embarrassing things. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, said, "I would never pinch you sweetheart," and left as quickly as a toddler, 11 week old and mum can do!!

I am crying here!

Why are the funniest ones, the ones where it is children telling someone to fuck off? PMSL.

"Fuck off Grandad" and "Fuck off Joesph"

This thread needs to go in classics.

I have a few:

DD at childminder when i dropped her off and CM needed a wee: 'mummy go in the toilet with CM! you can see she has a furry doopydoopy. Why isn't your doopy furry? Is it because shes sooooooo much older than you?'

Same subject but in swimming pool changing room: 'Mummy, why are some doopys furry and yours is just like mine?'

To man in street in wheel chair; "why are you still in a pushchair?"

To my sister "why did freddie (half african cousin) come out with a brown face?"

Waaaaa ha ha. I love this thread.

Hmmm.. ds1 (3.10yrs) shouting "Suprise!" whilst showing my friends his tiddler.

Out with GP's and calling a portly waitress a "fat freak" after watching my 15 year old relations having a slanging match and using the same terminolgy.

Always being amazed by soft/runny poo's and shouting for me to come and have a look.

Or one I forgot. Standing in front of a man with only one leg and crutches and shouting " Look mum, this man only has one leg". I said " Gosh you're right DS1"...sharp exit.

"Mummy, Ive finished!!"

As she backs out of the toilet in to the doctors waiting room - pooey bottom in the air.

DD aged 2 - in shopping centre, stops right in front of large man with mop of red hair, beard and glasses, points and says loudly in incredulous voice: "Look mummy! What' s THAT animal?" Fortuanately, he saw the funny side...

Also aged 2, meeting my husbands bosses and colleagues for first time at xmas drinks do, pulls up her top and says to the general crowd 'Look. I've got tiny, tiny nipples. Mummy's got big nipples". Then tries to pull down my (low-ish cut) top to try to demonstrate. Mortified< I hastily try to distract and send her in the direction of snacks, only to turn round a moment later to realise she is now demanding to know the size of everyone else's nipples and attempting to get visual verification!

And the old classic, whilst potty training, her walking back though crowded restaurant, with her singing 'mummy did a poo-oo. Well done mummy' accompanied by her clapping me loudly.....

DS (2.3) did a classic a few months ago. We were in the queue waiting to pay for groceries and the man in front of us farted. Judging by the little startled jerk he did, it was one of those "oops, it slipped out" ones but it was still rather loud. DS points at his back and says in his loudest toddler voice "YOU TOOT!!"
Cue JM wanting to sink into a deep hole in the ground. I distinctly heard several snickers around us. The man turned around with a very red face, looked at DS's extremely happy smile and said "I did, little man - sorry!"

What a lovely way to handle it... I apologized profusely, he waved away my apology and just said "what can I say, I did - kids, eh?".

Have realised how many of these moments I have had with DD!

To my mum "daddy has a HUGE willy grandma"

DD sitting on her grandmother's bed watching her get dressed aged about 3. (As repeated to me by a partly horrified, partly amused MIL)

"Nanny, My Mummy has wobbly tits. Do you have wobbly tits Nanny? My Mummy wears a bra to stop her wobbly tits from wobbling? Do you wear a bra too? My Mummy's wobbly tits are much bigger than your wobbly tits..."

My brother toddled in to my mum's tupperware party (attended by various members of the PTA) wearing a sanitary towel across his face. He loudly proclaimed 'Look Mummy! I am a sturgeon!'. Everyone just carried on examining the plastic, trying to ignore the small boy with a sanitary towel hooked around his ears.

It wasn't my child though they have said some funny things. It was beautiful little Irish girl on a train with her dad with lovely red curls. She was standing up talking to us we were on the chairs behind and it was before we had kids. She said my ma says I have a lovely head of hair. I said she's right you do. She said I don't get it from daddy look at him he's no hair on his head at all (she was right bald as a coot). The whole carriage could hear this conversation and poor daddy's head soon matched the colour of her hair.

My DD was about 2 at the time. We'd just been shopping at the supermarket, and had just got back to the car. Just before I started packing the shopping away, she said in a very loud voice 'Please don't put me in the boot mummy'.

Luckily the nearby woman thought it was funny!

As I approached the cut-price pinot grigio display at Majestic Wines: "Mummy - NOOOOO!" roared from buggy by DS1, 2.5 at the time.

Also DS1, aged 3ish in a changing cubicle "Mummy I can see your BOOBS" - sniggering from other cubicle...

And then this evening, as I am simultaneously picking up all the blueberries DS2 has spilt on the floor and wiping up the water he has also spilled, DS1 said "I think Daddy needs to come home, you are stressed."
Me: " I am not stressed"
DS1: "Yes you are."
DS2 (almost 3) "Yes you are Mummy."
Me: "No I am not!"
DS2 " Yes you are Mummy, you've got ALL your clothes on..."

"DADDY, YOU'RE A COCK"

Shouted very loudly in a crowded car park.

We had just been discussing the difference between Peacocks (male) and Peahens (female).

So, in her 5yr old logic, she turns to me and says "Mummy, you're a hen" and then, because daddy was walking ahead of us, found it necessary to shout the above.

We have never, never, been so red faced as we were that day!

3 YO DS looking at a baby in a pram shouts at me across school playground

' mummy can we go home and make a baby?'

Lady on bus: "Where's Daddy today?"
3 year old: "He's doing a poo. My poo was a Coke one last time"

'Oh look Mummy, a pirate' [man with eye patch walks past].

Just remembered another - DD aged 2 to the HV on home visit

"Me got poo on me's new jammies, got pooh all over me's bed, got poo all over me's wall!"

I & hurriedly explained her obsession with WINNIE THE POOH - and her new bedroom makeover, having just moved into her new room to make room for baby DD2!!

ROFL at pirate, he probably hears that one all the time!

OK, this isn't in public, but it's just too funny not to post...

So, DS was having a shower with my DH the other day... Said son has shown a recent avid interest in bottoms, what various parts are called, etc. The problem is, he gets the component bits (as it were...)slightly confused, with this result:

DS: 'Daddy, you have a penis.'
DH: 'Yes, I do indeed.'
DS: 'AND a bagina!' (he thinks pubic hair is a vagina...)
DS: 'Why does your penis have a mushroom?!' (DH is circumcised, DS isn't)
DH: 'Um, it's not a mushroom...'
DS: 'Yes, it is!!' (pulling on it) 'But why doesn't it come off, Daddy?!'
Needless to say, DH was completely gobsmacked, and somewhat at a loss for the correct response...

This is definitely one to relay to future girlfriends!!

'Look Mummy! I am a sturgeon!'

[wees a little bit]