Reassure me - what's the worst thing your DCs have said in public?

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Whilst feeding DS2 (11 weeks) early this morning, DS1 (2.1years) was watching the Tweenies and the characters were pinching each other. He and I chatted about how pinching is naughty etc..

We went to the post office at lunchtime where he proceeded to lie on the floor screeching, "Don't pinch me Mummy!" at the top of his voice (because I had intervened in his attempts to empty a huge display of cotton reels). I obviously wasn't pinching him and hopefully people could see that, but it sounded as if that is what I usually do.

Reassure me that your DCs have said similarly embarrassing things. I wanted the ground to swallow me up, said, "I would never pinch you sweetheart," and left as quickly as a toddler, 11 week old and mum can do!!

my son (now 18) once loudly shouted out in dorothy perkins "muummy - your leaving without paying!"
i had a pair of sunglasses in my hand and was heading to the shoe section....he has aspergers in his defence and he thought i was heading for the exit. stickler for the rules my boy!

i was followed by the store detective for the rest of my peruse round DP!

I've been reading this for so long all my family have deserted me and gone to bed and I haven't emptied the washing machine.
DD age 3 has managed a couple of great ones recently, we were walking along near our house and she pointed at this man and said loudly 'Is that my Daddy?' Luckily he laughed.
Only a week or so ago, we'd been out on the train and were walking out of the station and there was a large and not terribly attractive woman walking behind us, DD looked behind and saw her and said really loudly 'Mummy, there's a monster following us' I pretended I hadn't heard.
She also came up with a great non-verbal one in Tescos, I was looking at something and a young quite alternative looking couple of teenagers stood next to us, she pointed at them and the just looked at me with an expression of pure 'would you look at that' - the girl looked quite hurt and her boyfriend put a protective arm around her and I scuttled off with my child craning over my arm trying to stare at them.

When DS sees women in the street with short hair, he very kindly stops, pokes them and says..

'hello man!'

...and if I dare correct him 'no DS, that;s a lady with short hair'

NO, MUMMY, IT'S A MAAAAAAAAN!!

DS,aged about 1 and just starting to name animals, in a cafe with a bit of a rural theme, sees a picture of a chicken:
"Cock! CockcockcockCOCKCOCKCOCK! COCK! COCKCOCKCOCK!"
Best bit was that I had nipped to the loo, leaving him with my friend, and came back to find all the old dears in the place staring at them in amused horror.

Oh I have just remembered the best one;

DD aged 3, I was in a restaurant where you went striaght in to the toilets -

Me; which toilet should we go in to darling? One door has 'M' for...?

DD; Male?

Me; Yes darling well done. And 'F' for...?

DD (in the sweetest little voice); Fuck?

DS is 22 months and has a habit of shouting cock cock (chocolate) when we are out and he wants a snack. Am fed up with explaining this one

Also a couple of weeks ago he asked for 'more 'genies now' Genie being 9 week old (at the time) DD. I posted this on FB to be told by my (5 years younger) sister that ' i had better not get pg again as I was stealing all the glory' (wtf - it took DH and I 5 years to conceive DS, and I am the eldest of 4, she on the other hand is on her second marriage, back living with my mum and dad as she cannot afford her mortgage and gets more for renting it out, and is 2 years into her nursing training, while her husband doesn't work) Sorry little rant there, which i needed to get off my chest.

Am loving the fuck off ones, I have been telling DH he needs to tone down his language because I do not want to have to deal with the in public or with the CM.

My friend's DS, aged 3: "Mummy, when you die, I can go and live with Nana and have sweets."
My (widowed) pal is in rude health but is now almost suspecting her MIL of some dreadful plot...

Am pmsl at some of these!
Always told DD I would explain anything she asked me, thought we had got past the worst relatively unscathed.
Aged 10, big queue in Sainsburys "Mum, what's an orgasm?" That's what you get for leaving mags with problem pages in lying around.
Slightly off topic- DSS(5) to DH as he dried himself after a bath "Dad, your balls look like a dogs!"

'Daddy you're a cock' is soooooo good.

Tonight out for a meal ... coming back from the loo with DD (2:9) and walking through the tables " I did poo in a Chinese restaurant" (lovely dear)

Pmsl and choked on my cuppa @ upside down willy!!

Foureleven - so did you congratulate her on getting her sounds right ??

We went out for a meal a few weeks ago and the waitress had terrible adult acne. DS asked really loudly: Does that lady have chicken pocks?

On the beach he asked a man (who was rather large)if he had eaten all the pies as he had large boobies. And he didnt like it....

My sister used to work at a nursery and a little girl there was always overdressed - big flouncy dresses, blond ringlets, - She skipped up to my sister one day with her hands behind her back - there's my sister thinking 'aww, what an angelic looking child, isn't she cute' - she then announced with abig smile 'I've just pissed myself'.

My eldest DS1 who is 3 1/2 comes out with some corkers.

He is old before his time bless him.

Went to Tescos loos the other week, as soon as he sees Tescos its 'need a wee wee' so we go to the loos and i think i may aswell go as was going to be in town for some time. Anyway he had his wee, then was waiting for me and shouted loudly
DS1 - You have poo?
me - no just a wee
Ds1 - no you poo

i was mortified.

Another time when i was part time at work, i went to pick DS1 up from preschool in car, we got home to DH & DS2(2) and DS1 runs into house saying Mummy pushed me out of car I did no such thing

In January the kids stayed with my dad for the weekend and he told my dad that 'daddy had fallen down the stairs with him and cut his head'

Also he is currently in scotland with MIL for 2 weeks and as she has a small holding of animals including hens, ducks, sheep etc etc he goes into the pen every morning with his overalls and wellies on and says:
Hello Ladies - while he collects the eggs and then when he leaves he says
Thank you ladies.

Even at the advanced age of 10, DS1 still comes out with some crackers.

One day we were out and he told his brother: "When Mum and Dad die I'll inherit everything because I'm the oldest". Had to break it to him gently that he was not the bally Duke of Richmond and would be sharing whatever pauper's pittance was left.

Another time he became aware of some news item that totted up the cost of raising a child (howevermany thousands it was) and asked me rather worriedly: "Is that a loan or a gift?"

These are hilarious! Your children are all so funny!

My little brother (then aged around 4) at Pony Club - "Mummy, my trousers feel tight. Very tight. Getting tighter. Mummy, my willy is all hard and big and standing up! WOW MUMMY! LOOK AT MY HARD LONG WILLY!" Then, as my poor mother tried to get him back into his jodphurs, "Mummy, it won't FIT." Followed by racing up to Sugar (his shetland pony, who was rather well endowed) for a size comparison.

Then there was the time we were at a funeral, sitting behind a very posh old lady in a fur hat. Little brother asks, very very loudly, "Why does that lady have a cat on her head?"

When my ds was 2 he couldn't say the 'l' in clock. We were visiting a school at the time and of course in every room there was a clock. He proudly pointed at every one and said really loudly 'cock'! I kept saying 'tick tock' but he kept saying the same word! Afterwards the teacher said that his speech was really good, I nearly wet myself!

Another classic is that when I'm driving and have near misses I say 'Jesus'. When we were at my sil's church wedding, my ds asked his uncle who the man on the cross was. Of course he replied that it was Jesus. My ds turned to dh and said in hushed and shocked tones 'Uncle James just said Jesus!' Again I had to stop myself from laughing as did most of the people in the pews around us.

Kids eh? Got to love them!

DS1 has a fascination with every car there is. Health Visitor came earlier this week for 2yr & 3yr checks on kids.

Jacks starring out the window at her car and proceeds to shout to her 'Let me look at your fadge?!'

Fadge aka BADGE! he wanted to know what make her car was.

Oh god it was plain as day and HV just laughed.

On a packed train my DS age 3 shouted there are 3 really bad things you should NEVER say mummy. Everyone turned and listened so i muttered then don't say them - he ignored me and shouted they are "stupid", "shut up" (I breathed a sigh of relief) and " f* off!" had to sit there for another 20 agonising minutes.

Bump
Too funny not to be shared again

In the changing rooms with DD at the swimming pool:
"Mummy, how come you have tonnes of hair on your cootchie and I don't?" Cheeky bugger. I'd done my bikini line the day before and did NOT have tonnes of hair done there!

In Asda Waitrose where DP was trying to get DD back into the trolley after I'd taken her to the loo. "Get off me Dave!" (not DP's real name) bellows our DD. DP: "Don't call me Dave. It's Daddy to you" Cue massive screech of "YOU ARE NOT NOT NOT MY DADDY! GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF ME!"

Oh god the shame! There's actually loads more but those are most recent. DD shames me ALOT.

My 8 yr old watched 40 yr old me get out of the shower and then chirpily said "Mummy, do you know, you've got a bottom like grandmas" Still traumatised, nearly 5 years later.