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Original poster

Bit her during labour

245 replies

IcantbelieveIjustdidthat · 03/08/2021 21:18

Bit my sisters hand during DS labour. She won't let me live it down.
I'd had so many drugs and god knows what to numb the pain, wasn't allowed to eat anything as I was high risk for a c-section, was so hungry and I heard someone mention a sausage roll (nobody did apparently) and I thought she was handing it to me to eat. I was very delirious! She is laughing about it now.

I feel so awful but AIBU to think it's not the craziest thing someone has done?

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/08/2021 22:26

Never hold a labouring woman's hand if you want it back in one piece Grin

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 03/08/2021 22:27

@KilljoysDutch

My bitchy midwife accused me of trying to bite her! She held my hand and I went to push it up against my face as I was baring my teeth through a contraction and she shouted "Don't you dare bite me!" and pulled her hand away. I'm still angry about it Grin
She probably had been bitten before. Once bitten, Twice shy...LITERALLY lol
Original poster
IcantbelieveIjustdidthat · 03/08/2021 22:29

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

That is good advice! Grin

OP posts:
ImFallingApartAt27 · 03/08/2021 22:32

I shit myself Blush

I grabbed a massive handful of DH’s chest hair (through his shirt, he wasn’t topless) and pulled/twisted it at the height of one contraction grin

This made me laugh out loud Grin

IncludeWomenInThePrequel · 03/08/2021 22:32

All three midwives in the room with me were. named Fiona, and we're joking that I'd definitely have to name the baby Fiona if it was a girl.

Me?

Fuck off why would I name it Fiona?!

Which was forgivable as I was off my face. Less forgivable that I told that story when I brought the new baby into my office, and told the story to two separate Fionas Confused

Knittingupastorm · 03/08/2021 22:33

@Louloubelle78

I had a home birth around Xmas and was overly concerned about still hosting. Apparently I kept giving instructions about some prawn vol-u-vents in the freezer and how to cook them in the oven. I remember the midwife saying that's enough about vol-u-vents so started obsessing about the dog being fed. All so random.
I did similar. I had a home birth and during pushing apparently (I don’t really remember) suddenly got very concerned that the midwives had maybe not been offered appropriate refreshments. According to DH I kept telling them there were flapjacks in the kitchen and they could help themselves.
SeaToSki · 03/08/2021 22:34

I think you need to nickname your sister “sausage”, own the joke 🤣

Original poster
IcantbelieveIjustdidthat · 03/08/2021 22:35

@SeaToSki

Haha! It's actually our nickname for DS! Grin

OP posts:
OatyBarKid · 03/08/2021 22:36

When birthing dc2 I was told to pant by the midwife, so on all fours there I was tongue out panting like a dog. Blush I can still see the midwife's 'wadda plonker' face.

A friend yanked a poor midwife into the pool!

GoddamnCars · 03/08/2021 22:36

Has this thread been nominated for Classics yet Grin making me laugh so much!
I wanted to punch both the midwife (swiped my fizzy drink saying "oh I don't think so", and the doctor who told me that second babies were always easier and quicker births (after 22hrs in labour with my 2nd, who has always been bloody awkward!). Doctor was wrong! Told my ex husband - in front of my mum - that pethidine seemed like something good to try "recreationally". And refused to let the nurses help me go to the toilet following an epidural despite not being able to walk properly. Good times.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/08/2021 22:37

@IncludeWomenInThePrequel

All three midwives in the room with me were. named Fiona, and we're joking that I'd definitely have to name the baby Fiona if it was a girl.

Me?

Fuck off why would I name it Fiona?!

Which was forgivable as I was off my face. Less forgivable that I told that story when I brought the new baby into my office, and told the story to two separate Fionas Confused

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 love this!

Funnily enough I had 3 Julie's

TheWayTheLightFalls · 03/08/2021 22:37

I was really irritated during labour with DD because the Aldi baby event had started that day and I wanted to buy a few things. I spent a long time talking at length about various Aldi baby products. Eventually the midwife offered to go with me once DD was out.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 03/08/2021 22:42

With DS the midwife told me NOT to push during an upcoming contraction but I really couldn't help it, I pushed and my waters broke. I say broke - they exploded. All over Julie the midwife. It was dripping from her fringe Blush and to make matters worse DS had poo'd inside me so she had shit + vaginal fluid in her hair.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 03/08/2021 22:42

With dc5 I was much more active and mobile than I had been in other labours. I was walking round and found the contractions most bearable bent over pushing down with my arms. The most convenient thing to push on was DH's waist band. I pushed so hard his trousers fell down!

wellhellohi · 03/08/2021 22:43

I took my nightie off and lassoed it across the room as the sister was opening the door. Pretty sure everyone at the nurses station seem everything!

CorvusPurpureus · 03/08/2021 22:45

I took a huge irrational dislike to the midwife for #2.

She was very young & had a breezy 'so Corvus, the anaesthetist who does the epidurals - well, he's a bit busy ' manner.

& I decided she was being deliberately horribly patronising, which in retrospect she probably wasn't, just quite young & inexperienced, & not sure how to deal with me snarling at her that I'd had a baby already & what did she know because she was fucking twelve anyway & to shut the fuck up about telling me whether I needed an epidural or not. I was vile.

Then my waters broke. When I say 'broke', I mean 'exploded'. Poor midwife was examining me at the time & caught the full tsunami. There was amniotic fluid dripping off her eyelashes, her earlobes, her nose...

Me: oh god, sorry!

Midwife: I'm probably not supposed to say this, but I massively admire your timing - 'fuck off' then whooooosh! That's definitely me told....

Dd1 appeared a few minutes later. Midwife & I high fived each other.

I really hope that young midwife went on over the last 15 years to a very happy career in midwifery...she was actually bloody awesome.

Runningwithoutstopping · 03/08/2021 22:46

I told DH in what I thought was a discrete whisper, but in reality wasn't that the registrar looked like a Blue Peter presenter.

RightYesButNo · 03/08/2021 22:47

[quote MirandaMarple]@Peoniesandpeaches a palliative care nurse asked my Dad to stop swearing in grave pain days before he died. I did briefly consider it unnecessary of the nurse but I guess who wants such aggressive words to add to such fraught times? The nurse suggested my Dad used an alternative word, and he did, bless him (he was quite a sweary man but also an extremely polite and thoughtful one) The nurse was wonderful though, he gave me a big non-compliant hug (during COVID) when my Dad died. [/quote]
How strange! I worked in hospice for a bit and we were told on day one: the studies are published and they prove that swearing can help relieve pain, and some of our patients are in the worst pain of their lives, so just treat it like any other word in the dictionary (I feel all midwives should be told this, too Grin). Of course, everywhere is going to be different.

shas19 · 03/08/2021 22:48

I couldn't get comfy and was surrounded by them shit hospital pillows, contractions were rolling into each other so i was swearing like a trooper and a midwife told me to be quite as there was a triage full of ladies outside. I ended up throwing a pillow at her then begged her for another canister of gas😂😂

Toddlerteaplease · 03/08/2021 22:49

I was on a train with my chin resting on my then partners shoulder. For some reason I sank my teeth in. I had no idea I was even doing it until he said ouch! I left a massive bruise. And I wasn't even in labour!

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 03/08/2021 22:50

Not childbirth-related, but I recently had uterine surgery under sedation and was tripping balls on fentanyl.

I cheerfully greeted the lovely surgeon with "Hello bastard!", then proceeded to rant about "that fucking cat of yours, what an arsehole" to him for what undoubtedly felt like an eternity to the poor bloke. Especially when he didn't actually own a cat 😅

A friend of mine wants me to have another bash at fentanyl, she's convinced I could do better next time!

SlipperTripper · 03/08/2021 22:53

I was out of my tree having just given birth and about to be whizzed off to surgery. Surgery prep team are buzzing round being brilliant and apparently I 'whispered' (clearly there's no whispering on pethidine) to DH 'haha, nobody knows I'm naked under this sheet!'

Considering I was in theatre five mins later with my knees round my ears, looking back I reckon they might have had an inkling 🤔

PrancerandDancer · 03/08/2021 23:03

I grabbed my student midwifes hand in panic and declared "I can't feel my legs"

They had administered my spinal for a C-section a minute before.

Midwife laughed and said "that's the point you dosy mare".... She was cracking!

I hallucinated in my sleep deprived state after the birth and thought my DD was a royal princess and I was employed as a wet nurse. I demanded my DH took her to the "other nanny" after a feed! 😳

To be fair, she has developed some princess like tenancies since...

HoneyDragon · 03/08/2021 23:03

When I had dd there was quite a bit of excitement as I was to be their first vbac water birth and as it was late in the afternoon a few of the consultants popped in to see how it was all getting on. I was in active labour at this point so quietly asked my midwife “when are all the pointless bastards going to fuck off?”

Turns out I was actually not whispering but enunciating loudly and clearly. Blush

DramaAlpaca · 03/08/2021 23:04

In the transition stage when in labour with DC3 I found myself wailing that I wanted to go home. All quite understandable, but I was having a home birth.