The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

@Babdoc

I think that many of the PPs here have been so thoroughly fed up and battle hardened by years of sexist knobs shouting abusive comments that they can longer recognise the difference between said knobbery and a friendly joking pleasantry! For most people, saying “Ooh you’ll get fat” to a woman buying a cake or muffin is simply a teasing acknowledgment that the cake is a treat - it’s often said to perfectly slim cake buyers, and is just a harmless bit of friendly conversation to a fellow shopper. Perhaps there is a north/south divide too - when I lived in London, nobody spoke to a stranger in a supermarket, and avoided eye contact on public transport or in the street, so any remark at all was likely to be a sexist knob. Up here in Scotland, and among my Geordie relatives, plenty of people will strike up conversations, often using a joke as an icebreaker. Most have no idea they will be viewed as knobs, hence the hurt and anger when rebuffed.

Anyone in Scotland knows that the only acceptable jokes about confectionery involve the punchline 'Or a meringue'.

@DrSbaitso

For most people, saying “Ooh you’ll get fat” to a woman buying a cake or muffin is simply a teasing acknowledgment that the cake is a treat

I don't want to be teased by a random man I've never met, nor have anything acknowledged by the graceless twat. Why on earth do you think this is OK?

Most have no idea they will be viewed as knobs, hence the hurt and anger when rebuffed.

Blame yourself. When people like you give the impression that it's ok to "tease" and "acknowledge" things with random women, these men won't learn that it IS completely knobhead behaviour. I don't care if they feel hurt, I want to feel safe.

You're part of the problem. Will you listen better than they do?

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

For most people, saying “Ooh you’ll get fat” to a woman buying a cake or muffin is simply a teasing acknowledgment that the cake is a treat - it’s often said to perfectly slim cake buyers, and is just a harmless bit of friendly conversation to a fellow shopper.

It’s harmless to the commenter, you have no idea if it is harmless to the person receiving that “acknowledgment” regardless of their size and it is ridiculous to assume that it’s ok because it’s to a slim person. What is so wrong with saying “oh that looks amazing, what is it?” or “Ooh.. think I’m going to get one of those.”

My favourite one was when the man who worked at the local recycling centre told me "awwww, give us a smile and cheer up love", when I was there dropping off all the empty bottles from my mothers wake. He looked stunned when I snapped at him that I wasn't a decoration. I really wanted to say something to the local authority but didn't want hassle when I needed to go back there.

As an aside, my dad was there helping me and definitely looked more bereaved than me, but no one told him to smile. I have NO idea why.... ;)

Men just need new chat up lines, introduce yourself say hi if the response is cold, do one. Its not hard

All these people whinging that the men are totally harmless and mean no ill by it...clearly that's not true if their response to being told that it's consideres dickish and unwelcome by 99.999% of women is that the women are somehow WRONG. Whether that's by name calling, being violent or just an entire fucking day of disingenuous "but I'm just trying to understaaaaaaaand" bollocks, it doesn't matter. If women as a majority tell you it's awful and they hate it, the only response from a truly well meaning and harmless man is "shit, I'm sorry, I didn't realise, I will stop".

If that's not your answer to any behaviour that makes women feel unsafe, intruded upon and objectified, you are part of the problem. As Jo Brand said, it doesn't need to be high level violence to be intimidating and creepy...or to help pave the way for the stuff even you would consider unacceptable.

MilesJupp Thanks for checking. Yes, there’s something about the “tone” of certain posters, isn’t there.

It seems the shouty man on the thread yesterday and the latest man joining the thread have the same patronising tone as each other, too.

Just one question: Do these RCM direct their, "Smile!" or "You'll get fat if you eat that" comments to a man? No? I thought not.
The answer to "You'll get fat..." that I have never had the courage to give is, "Yes but you are ugly, and I can go on a diet...." (to paraphrase Winston Churchill).

Although invisible to most of the world now I'm 60, Random Comment Man hasn't learnt to shut the hell up when he sees me.

With that, hello to random comment men everywhere. What you do to me and to other women isn't big, it's not clever, and of no interest at all. You're invited to get to fuck with your useless and unwanted comments, and when you get there keep right on going.

Interesting how the "friendly" comments turn hateful in a second when not accepted with slobbering thanks. We see you.

I think we all know the difference between someone trying to be friendly and someone being rude. If it had been a woman who asked you what your favourite Led Zepplin song was would you have been rude to her? I agree about the guy in the coffee shop but maybe the guy in the park was lonely and bucked up the courage to actually speak to someone and he saw that you liked the same music as him??? I, obviously, wasn't there at the time so cant tell if you got a feeling about the person but it is something that we humans have is the ability to talk to each other. Please don't make people afraid to talk to people in safe places, like parks (during the day, lol) or in coffee shops. Just my opinion peeps x

I met an irritating man when I was out with my 4 year old. I was teaching her to ride a bike - do she was wobbly and it was pretty knackering for me. He said, “Oh, I’d use stabilisers if I were you!” FFS I was endeavouring to get her OFF stabilisers - that was the whole point. Undermined her confidence. Couldn’t be arsed to engage with him- but I know full well he wouldn’t have interfered if I’d been a man.

Interesting first post from jaqmac.

Welcome to MN. Be KIND laydees,

Reading through these there seems to be two factors at play. Many men do not consider women have the right to personal space/privacy/boundaries, and many men consider women to be something akin to a tall child that needs constant guidance/correction.

Both are fucking infuriating.

Interesting how the "friendly" comments turn hateful in a second when not accepted with slobbering thanks. We see you.

I think that’s the true litmus test: a comment isn’t well received and the commenter goes “Fair enough, sorry” = fine.

A comment isn’t well received and the commenter spits bile in a torrent of “What the fuck’s wrong with you, you miserable bitch? I was just trying to be NICE” = very very much not fine and just goes to show that the underlying intention wasn’t ‘nice’ at all.

Welcome to MN. Be KIND laydees

Absolutely, we women must never ever make anyone else feel uncomfortable. After all a man might have been “lonely and bucked up the courage” to speak to you, so he must absolutely be indulged. What the recipient of his unwanted attention feels is irrelevant.

@jaqmac

I think we all know the difference between someone trying to be friendly and someone being rude. If it had been a woman who asked you what your favourite Led Zepplin song was would you have been rude to her? I agree about the guy in the coffee shop but maybe the guy in the park was lonely and bucked up the courage to actually speak to someone and he saw that you liked the same music as him??? I, obviously, wasn't there at the time so cant tell if you got a feeling about the person but it is something that we humans have is the ability to talk to each other. Please don't make people afraid to talk to people in safe places, like parks (during the day, lol) or in coffee shops. Just my opinion peeps x

Thanks for your comment, random man

The problem with the endless "but what if it was a WOMAN?" bleating is that it actually wasn't, in fact, a woman. And rarely is. And even rarer is it that a woman would turn nasty and start complaining to anyone who will listen about how the true issue is that women should modify THEIR behaviour, and don't have a right to feel unsafe or intruded upon in parks or coffee shops. Both of which are places where I have been harassed and assaulted in public.

Why do you people do this?

"getting fat for eating a muffin" is not a sexist comment. Just because it is spoken by a man to a woman, or a woman to a man, or a woman to a woman, etc. makes no difference. Its not an attack either. It doesn't say you are fat. Its a comment about the effects of enjoying a tasty muffin, acknowledging that it must be really yummy.

Good to know Simone Biles can have a wee rest whilst Maths takes her place because, fucking hell, the mental gymnastics on that…

Why do you people do this?

@DrSbaitso Internalised misogyny. It's the water they swim in.

Pretty sure Maths isn't a woman @CalishataFolkart

God this thread makes me angry.

My most puzzling one was when I was happily walking down the road and a guy my age heading towards me stopped, looked me up and down and went: “Just another average day for YOU”. He had a really sneering, nasty tone.

I would love to know what he meant. It was the first day I was using this big LV handbag my DSis had bought me, it was slung over my shoulder. Maybe related to that I thought? Fuck knows tho.

Since I had DD I’ve noticed I’ve become much feistier and stopped taking people’s shit.

I don't know who implying a woman is fat is a great ice breaker.

It's not,it just gets the heckles up.
If you want an ice breaker,talk about the weather
It's harmless and not personal.

But look at the woman's body language and don't get huffy if they don't want to talk.

Also ever notice the men who use of the "fat humour" are always overweight and bald.
They can't afford to talk.

In fact, you know something...If your response to a thread like this is "so does that mean we can never talk to people while out and about" then in your case, yes, that is exactly what it means.

If you can't understand how social interactions work, if you can't trust that you won't be a total knob, if you can't recognise these situations to the point where you think women are somehow wrong about them, if your response to being told that you are one of these people whether you realise it or not is to do the age old "but gender reverse!" and "no I'm not" and "does that mean I shouldn't talk to anyone"...yes. That is correct. Don't strike up random conversation with people. You haven't got the social skills for it.

@CalishataFolkart

"getting fat for eating a muffin" is not a sexist comment. Just because it is spoken by a man to a woman, or a woman to a man, or a woman to a woman, etc. makes no difference. Its not an attack either. It doesn't say you are fat. Its a comment about the effects of enjoying a tasty muffin, acknowledging that it must be really yummy.

Good to know Simone Biles can have a wee rest whilst Maths takes her place because, fucking hell, the mental gymnastics on that…

So much this! WTF.

I don't have a problem with people being chatty. My regular Tesco delivery man is very chatty. The difference is he doesn't make personal comments. Chats about the weather, the football, the flowers outside my gate... that is harmless chat. Not commenting on the fattening food I order, or ordering me to smile in a pandemic. Why is this so hard to see?

@CalishataFolkart

"getting fat for eating a muffin" is not a sexist comment. Just because it is spoken by a man to a woman, or a woman to a man, or a woman to a woman, etc. makes no difference. Its not an attack either. It doesn't say you are fat. Its a comment about the effects of enjoying a tasty muffin, acknowledging that it must be really yummy.

Good to know Simone Biles can have a wee rest whilst Maths takes her place because, fucking hell, the mental gymnastics on that…

@DrSbaitso

In fact, you know something...If your response to a thread like this is "so does that mean we can never talk to people while out and about" then in your case, yes, that is exactly what it means.

If you can't understand how social interactions work, if you can't trust that you won't be a total knob, if you can't recognise these situations to the point where you think women are somehow wrong about them, if your response to being told that you are one of these people whether you realise it or not is to do the age old "but gender reverse!" and "no I'm not" and "does that mean I shouldn't talk to anyone"...yes. That is correct. Don't strike up random conversation with people. You haven't got the social skills for it.

Yes. This. 100!!!! To all the “smile loves” and the “harmless” comments about my bum/boobs/legs while running. To the “oooh love a minute on your lips but a lifetime on your hips” when I have “dared” to eat fattening food in front of a man. To the man who told me at my husbands funeral 15 years ago “at least you’re young and pretty, you can start again, someone else will want you” FUCK YOU!!!!