The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

Anyone else had the cherry on top that I’ve experienced a couple of times?
A catcall or smart-arse comment when leaving my house/ car/ a shop with DH trailing behind only for Random Comment Man to spot him belatedly and then … drumroll… apologise to him: “Sorry mate! I didn’t realise she was with you!”
Ah yes! An apology is definitely due to the man whose property you unwittingly propositioned/ insulted. You thought I was only a woman, not a woman with a man. A woman is just object not subject. A big hole for your penis and projections, a void, a vacancy.

@Taliskerskye

Cunts they are all cunts Thank the lord everyday that you’re not married to one or one isn’t your dad.

And well done for answering back. The stupid cunting cunts

This. A thousand times this.

Oh good, a MAN has arrived to explain to us all how we should feel. Now everything is going to be fine. 🙄🙄🙄

Thanks for your comments, random man now fuck off🖕

Now just I say 'woild you say that to a man?'. When I was a teen I was less polite. Never forget the shock of shop owner vague acquaintance of family who told me to cheer up it might never happen and received a deafening fuck you in the street.

[quote phoenixrosehere]@MakeMathsFun

Yes, there are variations in cultures, HOWEVER, where does it say that OP is in Dublin? And if it is common practice to tell a stranger “to smile” or “eating something will make them fat” then I’m giving it a wide swerve.

Yes, we’re all on this planet together (whatever that means) but courtesy and respect goes BOTH ways. There are people like yourself who love to chat and want to chat to everyone and there are people that obviously don’t and aren’t in the mood. It is not that difficult to learn to “read the room”, read others body language to see if they want to talk too. If someone doesn’t want to make conversation with a stranger, they shouldn’t have to nor should it be expected just to cater to your individual need/want for human interaction or connection. It’s not rude not to want to talk to people especially when you don’t know them. It’s ridiculous to expect people to just put up with strangers commenting on things that is none of their business just for the sake of “niceties”.

I work retail and a big part of my job is reading people. I go by what their body language tells me before I approach them. I know within the first 5-15 seconds how I should probably approach them. All of us do this which is probably why we’re constantly praised for our customer service and have people choosing to come to us despite their being a store 5x larger than ours (with parking) 15 minutes away and being the best in our county. I’m also one of those people who has a friendly face and a warm demeanour, and don’t mind a bit of chit chat however I also like to be left alone and want to do so without strangers bothering me or giving me commentary that I never asked for. If someone needs assistance like directions or possible restaurant or asking me where I bought something, no problem, happy to help when I can, but telling me to do something for their benefit or enjoyment is a quick way to get an eyeroll and turn my headphones up. No one is owed a stranger’s time just because we’re all human.[/quote]
True, but most people are not as qualified/experienced/expert as you at reading body language.

I agree that "smile it may never happen" is annoying.

However, when other women (strangers) have said to me, "that will make you fat" (twice now its been said to me randomly), I did not take it literally or offensively. What they were saying metaphorically and jokingly was, "I bet that tastes good... well worth the risk of it maybe making you fat... but hey you're not fat... so enjoy it when you can". It is intended as a pleasantry, and it is the intention that is important, not the failed outcome. As such, retorting with something like"f* off..." is unnecessary, childish and disproportionate.

It is irrelevant whether it is Dublin or not, as society is very multicultural.

And if you wear a Led Zeppelin T-shirt, it is not rude to be asked which is your favourite song. I can't say why the guy mumbled afterwards, but if he read hostility in the voice, he probably felt more pissed off.

Language (any language, not just English) has nuances, ambiguity, misinterpretations, etc. so we all need to just calm down a bit. If a person says something stupid to me, I don't get all hot and bothered. Instead I reason that the person may have a lower IQ, or linguistic difficulties. Some people diagnosed with autism can't help what they say; their thoughts burst from their lips faster than they have processed it. For example, an autistic girl I know pointed to a man in the street near where I live the other day and said, "you're very chubby!". I told her, "that's not a nice thing to say. Imagine how he feels." the girl responded, "but he IS chubby. He IS fat!" She was unable to understand empathy, but did understand the world in absolute truths. Its not her fault. We are all wired differently. So I make exceptions. Everyone is unique. Nobody is perfect (not even me!!!), so I can confidently walk away without confrontation. This is not passive nor weak. It is decisive and it is about me taking control of my behaviour regardless of how I feel. Deep calm beats stress.

Hail the Queen of reason!

Honestly, no, I don't think of the feelings of the rude person when they are being bloody rude.

I might ruminate on it later. But I'm sick of making excuses for others.

Maybe you do you and those of us who want it to stop? Well they do them.

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself

Anyone else had the cherry on top that I’ve experienced a couple of times? A catcall or smart-arse comment when leaving my house/ car/ a shop with DH trailing behind only for Random Comment Man to spot him belatedly and then … drumroll… apologise to him: “Sorry mate! I didn’t realise she was with you!” Ah yes! An apology is definitely due to the man whose property you unwittingly propositioned/ insulted. You thought I was only a woman, not a woman with a man. A woman is just object not subject. A big hole for your penis and projections, a void, a vacancy.

I empathise fully with you on this. Indeed we are no man's property.

However, I don't think that is how the catcall offender thinks either. Rather, he/she doesn't even realise that they are being rude. They think they are complimenting you (as they haven't learned about etiquette or how it might actually make us feel). The apology to DH in this case is not for being rude. It is for inadvertently committing verbal adultery. No monogomous man or woman wants another lover in the relationship, and the apology is a direct acknowledgement of that fact. So, while the offender is ignorant regarding their behaviour, they actually have some morals buried deep within their shallow front! But, I'm sure there are some who do sadly think of the partner as property.

I knew a young woman years ago who pushed her sister away from a guy and shouted, "back off. You've got a boyfriend. This one is mine." and she didn't even know the lad. So, possession still lies in the hearts of many men and women. This also reflects the inadequacy of language. Not all uses of the word "my" literally imply possession. "My sister", for example does not imply ownership of a sibling.

@Chickenyhead

Hail the Queen of reason!

Honestly, no, I don't think of the feelings of the rude person when they are being bloody rude.

I might ruminate on it later. But I'm sick of making excuses for others.

Maybe you do you and those of us who want it to stop? Well they do them.

Fair enough, but it has taken me years to learn to be less reactive. Life is better now. Ruminating on it later is good, but facilitating the rumination now is better... and you don't need to think of it again, as there are no stressful memories to revisit. Arguments, aggression, fights, violence and war often flair up from mutual heated reactions. "Water off a ducks back" beats stress any day. And if I do decide to confront, I choose to be polite and unagitated. From this I always get an apology.

Last week I witnessed 2 young women get into a braul. They didn't know each other. The first thought the second was laughing at her (which she was not. She was laughing with her friends about Love Island). So, the first came over and said, "why are you fucking laughing at me?". This led to arguing, I wasn't, you fucking were, I fucking wasn't, you fucking were you cunt, I fucking wasn't you fucking cunt, get out of my fucking space... etc... " escalating to the point that they had to be physically separated. If just one of them had remained calm and not reacted, it would have been resolved before it the flash point.

The stronger person is the one who walks away. This is my personal opinion, based on years of working with prisoners with histories of violence and emotional difficulties. And for your own safety, its best not to escalate because you don't know if the other man/woman is a violent pschopath or not.

@chickenhead

Thank you for "the Queen of reason"! It put a smile on my face, particularly when I know how many mistakes I have made in my life!!!

[quote MakeMathsFun]@chickenhead

Thank you for "the Queen of reason"! It put a smile on my face, particularly when I know how many mistakes I have made in my life!!![/quote]
I do hear you and I do know that you are indeed the reasonable one of us.

I do talk to lots of people both men and women. I certainly wouldn't have been either of the people in the fight you described above. I have never been violent or offensive.

BUT, I have had a lot of very inappropriate comments, from men. Telling me how unattractive I am to them, or that I should smile at horrific times when crying. I have been sexually assaulted and raped by men throughout my life. I just want to be left alone with the aggressive or snide put downs.

I believe now, after many years of being a victim, that I have now reached a point where I can actually assert myself rather than run away in shame. I need that tool to function in life, or I wouldn't leave the house out of fear.

So I need these tactics for self protection you see. But yes, I would prefer to be the bigger person. I'm not.

@SlothMamaToBe

I had one today, as I turned my car round on my road ‘ooh you’re a good driver aren’t you!’ 😐😠 And the purpose of that comment was what?!

Sometimes a compliment does not need a purpose. It may not have been a gender driven (excuse the pun) comment.

@pbvincent

Oh Sh!t,

I am a Random comment man, and didn't know it.

I am random comment man to Men, Women, Children and believe it or not Cats & Dogs.

Last Random comment to a Woman was in M&S with my wife on Saturday. Woman standing in the middle of an isle,
mentally debating over a choice of two jumpers, when I said, 'Choose either you]ll look cool anyway, as I walked past (And I meant it).
Trying to think of a Man/Woman Random comment I have made.
Bloke trying to sort out car keys, paper/ coffee, when he dropped keys and paper, I remarked 'Got the hang of that then' I would certainly have said the same to a Woman. Not a child or dog though, don't want to encourage juvenile crime or dogs being stolen and sold to the Circus

You are Colin Hunt from the Fast Show and I claim my five pounds

@chickenhead

Wow. Your honesty tells me you are very strong. And you come across as calm.

@EarthSight

I've moved around a lot. Originally from UK and moved around a lot within, and now live in Australia, spent a few months at a time in various other places due to the nature of mine and DH's job.

I can't say if it happened more in non English speaking places, because a few months was never long enough for me to pick up the language at that level. I can say that everywhere I have lived where people are speaking my language, rural or city, some men tell me off for not smiling at them.

It happens less now that I'm a bit older. My late teens/early 20s was the peak of it.

I hope that answers your question.

Sometimes a compliment does not need a purpose. It may not have been a gender driven (excuse the pun) comment.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that no man is ever going to say '‘ooh you’re a good driver aren’t you!' to another man. Just imagine it and you'll see how unbelievable it is.

It is very annoying, especially when you show no response or interest yet they continue with more shite talk.
It never happens with women, I've chatted to random men and women naturally just not the intrusive ones.

Maybe he was a Led Zepplin fan and just making conversation?

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

You say that women have not accosted you or made comments about your personal appearance??? I get it all the time from women... and jealous comments. Maybe only twice in my life from a man!

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Sometimes a compliment does not need a purpose. It may not have been a gender driven (excuse the pun) comment.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that no man is ever going to say '‘ooh you’re a good driver aren’t you!' to another man. Just imagine it and you'll see how unbelievable it is.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that men often compliment other men (and women) on their driving. I have been there many times when it has happened. On one occasion, for example, I was walking past a man who was skillfully reversing through a congested carpark with his window open. As he passed the (male) carpark attendant, the attendant said (in a surprised tone), "You can drive!"

@Babdoc

I think there are two separate things here. One is sexist knobhead men asserting privilege to comment on women. But the other, as Mantlemoose said above is just adults making jokey conversation. I’m a woman in my 60’s, but I often make a friendly or jokey comment to other people in shops - I’m not trying to perv on them or assert dominance. If I’ve been buying a load of (say) cakes for visitors, a bloke telling me I’ll get fat is just teasing, and a conversation opener. I would usually either play along, saying it’s just a light pre lunch snack before my six meat pies, or I would laugh and say no, I have my family visiting, which often leads to comparing children and having a pleasant chat. I can see why a harmless bloke making conversation would be hurt and angry to be rudely rebuffed with the assumption that he’s being a knob. I’m glad I’m old enough that virtually all approaches now are of the harmless chat variety!

Society really has told old women that they're either invisible or because they're old sexist remarks aren't as bad because oh well they're old now so they're harmless.

@EmeraldShamrock

It is very annoying, especially when you show no response or interest yet they continue with more shite talk. It never happens with women, I've chatted to random men and women naturally just not the intrusive ones.

"It never happens with women"? Are you joking? You should hear my aunt! She rambles on without remorse to any stranger, and is ambivalent to them trying to escape.

@sfeirical (and @babdoc)

sfeirical, listen to yourself. You infer complaint about men being rude and sexist, yet you were rude and ageist to babdoc. In your 60s is not old! And what Babdoc has said is not about being invisible. Its about not having hissy fits about relatiively innocent comments - not sexist ones. Babcock clearly addressed the sexist men, then separately demonstrated her calm and wit in non-sexist circumstances. Calm and in control without rude retorts.

[quote Shallwegoforawalk]@MakeMathsFun have you even read what this thread is about?

It's not friendly chat. It's men commenting on women's bodies, faces, food choices, abilities, interests. Unwanted, unneeded and often attempting to be intimidating, derogatory and with allllllll the misogynistic undertones that women are objects to be judged and found wanting according to the male gaze.

I've been to Dublin/Glasgow/many other cities and had friendly chats on public transport. They don't start with someone telling me I'll get fat if I eat that muffin FGS. [/quote]
"getting fat for eating a muffin" is not a sexist comment. Just because it is spoken by a man to a woman, or a woman to a man, or a woman to a woman, etc. makes no difference. Its not an attack either. It doesn't say you are fat. Its a comment about the effects of enjoying a tasty muffin, acknowledging that it must be really yummy. Yet too many people assume its about them.

I'm tired of the .assumption that only men make these comments too. I've had more verbal abuse from other women than men.

While mysogeny is wrong, so is misandry.

Thank you for your comment, Random Maths.

This is a great thread for sharing common experiences in a fairly lighthearted way.

You haven’t those common experiences. Lucky you.