The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

[Justilou1]

Actually thinking that the female gymnasts smiling thing is more infuriating even than the beach volleyball bikini bottoms thing, tbh. It’s much more insidious!

[brokenbiscuitsx]

Probably the same listers under different names 🥱

[DrSbaitso]

Even if the muffin comment weren't sexist (and it is, for many reasons including the fact that it wouldn't be said to a man), it's overfamiliar and intrusive. It's rude and antisocial.

As someone who was desperately trying to defend it said, it's "teasing". Who the fuck thinks it's OK to tease random strangers, or that women should accept being teased by strange men? Teasing is easy enough to get wrong even when you know someone very well. Teasing is for people who know each other very well and even then you've got to be careful. Many people don't like it coming from anyone at all.

If you think it's OK to tease a complete stranger, nor least a woman over her choice of food (and anyone who doesn't understand the cultural context of this isn't fit to discuss the issue; but only a person who did understand it would make the comment anyway), then you need to stop making random conversation with people. You aren't witty, roguish and lovable, you're a completely antisocial twat. And most likely a misogynistic one to boot.

[brokenbiscuitsx]

I’m not sure where Battleneck disappeared to but yesterday he was definitely giving off derailing vibes. (Amongst other vibes)

[DismantledKing]

[quote pam290358]@fedupslummymummy. I have already said in a post upthread that I agree with what’s being said about disgusting random comments. I do get it. I was just trying to present the other side of the coin. The man who commented has Autism and has admitted to awkward social interactions with women because of it and in my opinion that’s no reason to jump on him with such aggression.[/quote]
Bollocks.
Look at his username.

[CalishataFolkart]

@BorderlineHappy

Does anyone else feel like they are just banging their heads off a wall.

It feels like a merry go round.
We get rid of the 2 from yesterday and theres more springing up to take their place.

Someone sounded the Cunt Klaxon and they all came a-runnin’

[brokenbiscuitsx]

@BorderlineHappy

Does anyone else feel like they are just banging their heads off a wall.

It feels like a merry go round.
We get rid of the 2 from yesterday and theres more springing up to take their place.

Fuck yes!

I also feel like the thread is being purposely derailed and repackaged as an anti-men thread to put people off commenting/sharing their experiences. 👀

[brokenbiscuitsx]

[quote Shallwegoforawalk]@MakeMathsFun the muffin comment IS sexist because it's saying women exist to be pleasant objects for men to look at and lust over. If we get fat, this is displeasing to the male and therefore we are being told off for putting our pleasure (eating the muffin) in front of his pleasure (wanting to look at slimmer women). How dare we prioritise ourselves rather than the male viewing us!

If you can't see that, I guess you are more embroiled in the patriarchal status quo than you realise. [/quote]
Yes this!!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

[BorderlineHappy]

Does anyone else feel like they are just banging their heads off a wall.

It feels like a merry go round.
We get rid of the 2 from yesterday and theres more springing up to take their place.

[brokenbiscuitsx]

Ummm…

He was clearly aiming for the comment to be taken as a positive and giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar.

What?!

“Those will make you fat!” How in God Earth is that a positive?

Giving me the opportunity? 😐 How gracious of him. I don’t need to defend my choices to any random man thanks.

Also, I chat a lot to strangers actually. I happily chat away. What I don’t appreciate is someone just making comments about me at me.

The difference is this as an example, as you obviously can’t (won’t?) understand the difference.

Man: That’s a nice coat
Me: Thank you
(Normal interaction)

Man: That coat makes you look fat
Me:
(Not a normal interaction and exactly the type of interaction I (and others) and discussing here.


meI’m not going to repeat myself as I’ve said it (and so have others) countless times through this thread.

Also I’m not dividing men and women. Certain men are doing that enough themselves. The issue is that I’m calling them out on it, which certain people don’t like.

Im also not 100% sure if you’re being disingenuous or not if I’m honest.

[Shallwegoforawalk]

@MakeMathsFun the muffin comment IS sexist because it's saying women exist to be pleasant objects for men to look at and lust over. If we get fat, this is displeasing to the male and therefore we are being told off for putting our pleasure (eating the muffin) in front of his pleasure (wanting to look at slimmer women). How dare we prioritise ourselves rather than the male viewing us!

If you can't see that, I guess you are more embroiled in the patriarchal status quo than you realise.

[DrSbaitso]

@Toastednuts69

Seriously, you have your own wit and can make a suitable response - well done you for perpetuating the negativity between men and women. 60 years ago people would speak to each other in the street and know their neighbours, but most men (the guy you engaged seems is not one) are so concerned that a message may be miss construed that they just keep quiet. He was clearly aiming for the comment to be taken as a positive and giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar. We need to give people a little space to get it wrong sometimes. My social skills are not great (I'm Autistic and have been called a verbal hand grenade) and I get it wrong sometimes, probably why I've been lonely, single and miserable for most of my life. I won't be talking to women at the costa machine again though.

I'm glad to hear it. It may not be your fault, but you clearly are not equipped for these sorts of exchanges and it is definitely better that you don't attempt them.

It's not women's fault that you are lonely, single and miserable. It's not our responsibility to put up with comments that we don't like and don't want so that you can feel better about yourself.

[LannieDuck]

Notice the gymnasts: the women have to smile doing the floor routine, whereas the men look deadly serious. Women get lower marks if they don’t. Double standards much.

I've never noticed that before. It's going to make me annoyed when I watch gymnastics now

[fedupslummymummy]

Indeed! And I know very few autistic people that would use their condition to be rude (intentionally or otherwise) to a woman they didn’t know. My 19 year old son is autistic and I asked him “would you tell a woman you didn’t know in a cake shop that the muffin she’d just bought would make her fat.” He looked at me with abject horror and asked “why would I do that?” So I agree with @IsItAKindofDream in that our poster up thread maybe has more intent than he thinks we realise.

[IsItAKindofDream]

[quote pam290358]@fedupslummymummy. I have already said in a post upthread that I agree with what’s being said about disgusting random comments. I do get it. I was just trying to present the other side of the coin. The man who commented has Autism and has admitted to awkward social interactions with women because of it and in my opinion that’s no reason to jump on him with such aggression.[/quote]
Pam Check out his user name. I doubt the poster is as “innocent” as you may think.

[FOJN]

Toastednuts69

Seriously, you have your own wit and can make a suitable response - well done you for perpetuating the negativity between men and women. 60 years ago people would speak to each other in the street and know their neighbours, but most men (the guy you engaged seems is not one) are so concerned that a message may be miss construed that they just keep quiet. He was clearly aiming for the comment to be taken as a positive and giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar. We need to give people a little space to get it wrong sometimes. My social skills are not great (I'm Autistic and have been called a verbal hand grenade) and I get it wrong sometimes, probably why I've been lonely, single and miserable for most of my life. I won't be talking to women at the costa machine again though.


Your comments remind me of this sketch from The Mash Report; women asserting boundaries creates unfair confusion for poor men who apparently don't understand appropriate behaviour, it's about sexual harassment but the faux confusion is evident in this thread too.

The good news is that friendly conversations with random strangers, male and female, still take place everyday because most adults know how to start a conversation without being fucking rude. It's only mysogynistic, entitled knobs who think social interaction is harder and more confusing than it use to be.

[pam290358]

@fedupslummymummy. I have already said in a post upthread that I agree with what’s being said about disgusting random comments. I do get it. I was just trying to present the other side of the coin. The man who commented has Autism and has admitted to awkward social interactions with women because of it and in my opinion that’s no reason to jump on him with such aggression.

[Bretoony]

[quote pam290358]@fedupslummymummy

So a man gives his point of view and discloses his own reasons for being awkward and maybe ‘getting it wrong’ with women, and you just slap him down and accuse him of being ‘random man’. Wow, where did understanding go ? My late husband’s first words to me when we met at a party were ‘if you’re very good I might dance with you later’. These days that would probably have been met with some sneering put down or other. If I’d done that, I’d have missed out on forty happy years. It would appear that nowadays it’s not a case of ‘boy meets girl’, but ‘girl meets random man’. Not all men are shitheads you know.[/quote]
Previous posters have pointed out that it's never good looking men who speak to them, if they're attracted to him then the random comment is not a problem.

[fedupslummymummy]

@pam290358 I know not all men are shitheads I’m happily married thanks. However the absolute point of this thread is to demonstrate the complete misogyny that is embedded in our society in that women have to accept random remarks or insults as part and parcel of being female. Perhaps you should read some of the many hundreds of examples on this thread of utter fuckwittery from men that women are supposed to laugh politely or simper at…and then you wonder why we are all raging mad. I’m now raging mad on behalf of my teenage daughter who is now subjected to it on a regular basis. Probably far more than me because I’m a cross middle aged woman! If you don’t get it, that’s fine we will just agree to disagree. Have a lovely day.

[MistyGreenAndBlue]

I inadvertently baffled a "Smile, it may never happen" man when I was quite young by asking, in all seriousness, "WHAT may never happen?"
He was totally stumped

[MilesJuppIsMyBitch]

My son is a teen, with autism.

I asked him what he thought.

He said 'why would I talk to a woman in a cafe? It's weird'.

He will be fine.

[pam290358]

@fedupslummymummy

So a man gives his point of view and discloses his own reasons for being awkward and maybe ‘getting it wrong’ with women, and you just slap him down and accuse him of being ‘random man’. Wow, where did understanding go ? My late husband’s first words to me when we met at a party were ‘if you’re very good I might dance with you later’. These days that would probably have been met with some sneering put down or other. If I’d done that, I’d have missed out on forty happy years. It would appear that nowadays it’s not a case of ‘boy meets girl’, but ‘girl meets random man’. Not all men are shitheads you know.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

most men...are so concerned that a message may be miss construed that they just keep quiet

We'd be most grateful if they did keep quiet. If a message can be "misconstrued" then it's likely that it shouldn't have been said in the first place.

He was clearly...giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar.

Women don't need to be given 'an opportunity' to explain what they're doing and why.

I won't be talking to women at the costa machine again though.

Maybe give this entire thread a read, particularly the posts that explain what is and isn't acceptable social interaction. This entire subject is not a "Men should not talk to woman about anything, ever", it's about context, understanding how comments are construed by the person receiving them and when to back the hell off.

[fedupslummymummy]

@Toastednuts69

Seriously, you have your own wit and can make a suitable response - well done you for perpetuating the negativity between men and women. 60 years ago people would speak to each other in the street and know their neighbours, but most men (the guy you engaged seems is not one) are so concerned that a message may be miss construed that they just keep quiet. He was clearly aiming for the comment to be taken as a positive and giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar. We need to give people a little space to get it wrong sometimes. My social skills are not great (I'm Autistic and have been called a verbal hand grenade) and I get it wrong sometimes, probably why I've been lonely, single and miserable for most of my life. I won't be talking to women at the costa machine again though.

Just…no. So now we need to “give men space to get it wrong sometimes?” Thanks for your comment random man.