The random comment men

[brokenbiscuitsx]

You know the ones, not the ‘leery car shouters’ but those who feel they can make comments about what you, a stranger, is doing when going about their business (and I’ll add not harming anyone!)

Just now I popped to the shop to collect a parcel, when I was there I grabbed a coffee from their Costa pod and a blueberry muffin. The man behind me piped up “You’ll get fat eating that” I was really taken aback so just said “thanks for your comment, random man” paid and then as I was walking out past him he said, no need to be so rude and mumbled ‘stroppy cow’ but I heard.

I wasn’t rude I just asserted myself and that is the issue isn’t it. He was expecting me to laugh along ‘oh I already am tee hee’ (I’m not) but no, I’m sick of it.

It happens too often as well. I have had a random man comment on how I could run better in the park when I was having a break and a man who saw my Led Zeppelin tshirt and said ‘what’s your favourite song then?’ So I said ‘Heartbreaker- you probably haven’t heard of it’ and he mumbled something at me and walked off (I knew he was trying to catch me out, hoping I didn’t know any songs!)

I don’t really know what my AIBU is, I guess, is it rude? Should I have just smiled sweetly like the passive woman I am meant to be. I’m just sick of these types of men! He took offence with me speaking up, perhaps he should learn not to make comments to random strangers.

Does anyone else get this, maybe I have that sort of face that men can’t help commenting to. If so, how do you cope with it?

Just, ugh, makes me angry.

[Ddot]

Wow

[barbrahunter]

@DrSbaitso

In fact, you know something...If your response to a thread like this is "so does that mean we can never talk to people while out and about" then in your case, yes, that is exactly what it means.

If you can't understand how social interactions work, if you can't trust that you won't be a total knob, if you can't recognise these situations to the point where you think women are somehow wrong about them, if your response to being told that you are one of these people whether you realise it or not is to do the age old "but gender reverse!" and "no I'm not" and "does that mean I shouldn't talk to anyone"...yes. That is correct. Don't strike up random conversation with people. You haven't got the social skills for it.

This is so well put.

[SnoopyLights]

Unfortunately PluggingAway I have, just last March before COVID, a friend in fact who because I suffer with chronic pain and because I was trying my best on an afternoon out but was in pain and my pain relief that takes the edge off was wearing off and I hadn't forgotten to take anything with me so no I wasn't giggly / chatty / smiling turned round to me and said "go home just go home you have had a face on you all day go home"

Unfortunately for me I was unable to shrug that off and the depression that had been settling on me for the last year due to pain and lack of sleep spiralled worse I had counselling for 1 year it didn't help I withdrew at the same time to try and cope (which wasn't difficult because of COVID, working full time and homes-schooling) and the whole group of friends dumped me I was kicked out of the two chat groups.

so as much as I agree the unsolicited crap advice men think they can give to random people (women), it isn't just them and it can be people you think are friends and 18 months later it is still affecting me much more than a random idiotic "boy" saying something would. People just need to learn to only say nice things but there are too many out there that think it is their right to be nasty. #BeKind following Caroline Flack never lasted and a bet more than 1/2 that posted it one their status were the people who in life #AreNeverKing

I'm sorry your friend said that to you. I think it's different to the Random Man issue though, because this was someone who knows you and is supposed to care for you. It was a cruel comment from a friend rather than a random comment from a stranger.

Similar to when I lost my first baby to stillbirth. A random person told me that her friend lost a 'real' baby at 7 weeks, and she's alright now so you will be. That hurt but I was able to brush it off because they were just a random person. But after we lost our second baby to prematurity, my Mother-In-Law told me my kids were "not proper grandchildren" because they had died. There was no brushing that off.

But as you say, that is not random unsolicited comments from a stranger, so it is a different issue to the one the OP has raised.

Be Kind was always about virtue signalling, it was about looking good on social media without really having to do anything differently themselves or make any changes to their own lives or behaviour. It's taken another turn now and is used against people to try and silence them from saying things that actually do need to be said.

I hope that you're in a better place now, and with people who have more empathy than those friends who let you down.

[lottiegarbanzo]

The answer to "You'll get fat..." that I have never had the courage to give is, "Yes but you are ugly, and I can go on a diet...." (to paraphrase Winston Churchill).

Oh god, RCMs (and their grouped equivalent, the 'talking obnoxiously, loudly in a public place' men), love the original version of that quote. It's man as hero, women as object, judged by her appearance, however accomplished she might be, sneered at for being a serious person, because... woman! (Plus a load of mummy / nanny issues).

[Tam20779]

I remember my younger brother cursing about women drivers once. I happened to be driving at the time and said hey! I’m a woman driver. He goes “no your not. You’re a [family name]”. It did make me chuckle. Also while in my early 20s I entered a caravan manoeuvre competition. I was the only girl/woman. I got the fastest time over all with no errors, beating all the men. I think I surprised a few people then.

[ClareBlue]

@citycitycity

thanks for your comment, random man

This is brilliant and I will remember it for future use!

This has to become the stock answer that everybody uses and we teach our daughters to use whenever women get an unsolicited comment.
It's polite but gets the point across and is actually quite funny The more you play it over the funnier it becomes. You can use different tones. The shocked response, puzzled response, the thoughtful contemplating the comments response, the dismissive, fake sincere there are loads of options but just one answer.

[Tam20779]

I also do online streaming on the side for a bit of extra cash and occasionally get people making rude comments about size etc. Luckily I can block them. My usual go to response is stop being a troll and hiding behind your keyboard. But I can only block them for a month before they can come back. I don’t let them get to me and now I have some even better comebacks for if it happens again.

[brokenbiscuitsx]

Haha! Love this:

The answer to "You'll get fat..." that I have never had the courage to give is, "Yes but you are ugly, and I can go on a diet...." (to paraphrase Winston Churchill).

“Or, I can change weight, you can’t change your personality” 😬

[thanksforyourcommentrandomman]

@jaqmac

I think we all know the difference between someone trying to be friendly and someone being rude. If it had been a woman who asked you what your favourite Led Zepplin song was would you have been rude to her? I agree about the guy in the coffee shop but maybe the guy in the park was lonely and bucked up the courage to actually speak to someone and he saw that you liked the same music as him??? I, obviously, wasn't there at the time so cant tell if you got a feeling about the person but it is something that we humans have is the ability to talk to each other. Please don't make people afraid to talk to people in safe places, like parks (during the day, lol) or in coffee shops. Just my opinion peeps x

Clearly still not understanding the thread then

[brokenbiscuitsx]

If it had been a woman who asked you what your favourite Led Zepplin song was would you have been rude to her?

1. I wasn’t rude, I was asserting myself.
   
2. Depends if she said it in the same sneery tone as random man did
   
3. 2 probably wouldn’t happen as for some reason women just don’t make these random sneers remarks to other strangers.
   

Random man was definitely trying to catch me out. Same when I say I like football and the same type of bloke says “name 10 players then!” “Name 10 football stadiums” like they have to test us for some reason. Again, women don’t seem to do this.

Imagine a man telling you he liked F1 and a woman saying “name 20 drivers then” 🤣 It just doesn’t happen.

maybe the guy in the park was lonely and bucked up the courage to actually speak to someone and he saw that you liked the same music as him???

I know I didn’t make this but clear. Man in the park came over to me while I was stretching and resting from jogging. He thought he’d impart his wisdom on how I should run using my arms more and how I was doing my stretches wrong. Different scenario to music man.

[TiredButDancing]

There's always a small but vocal minority who want to explain away this behaviour. Maybe he was lonely or whatever. Same people who excuse rudeness in others as maybe they have social anxiety. Both of those things might be true, but it still doesn't justify rudeness and in the case of RCM, misogyny.

I got an Uber yesterday. I didn't particularly feel like chatting. The uber driver was clearly more chatty than me. He was also a perfectly normal, socially aware person so when I responded politely, but briefly, he stopped chatting. It felt like a lovely interaction after this thread because I was reminded that while it's always men who make the random inappropriate obnoxious comments, many many men are actually perfectly able to engage with women in a normal way.

[Vitallyli]

I never had comments like this and I think maybe because I'm not attractive? I wonder if men comment on young fit and attractive women only? If so I think they must be intimidated by them knowing they don't stand a chance and that makes them bitter so that they throw such horrible comments to try to make a woman feel bad. Hopefully women standing up for themselves and showing these men how disrespectful and shit they are will make them think twice next time.

[thanksforyourcommentrandomman]

I nominate this thread for classics, would be good to keep around

[EarringsandLipstick]

@thanksforyourcommentrandomman

I nominate this thread for classics, would be good to keep around

Agreed! I will do the same.

[brokenbiscuitsx]

@thanksforyourcommentrandomman

I nominate this thread for classics, would be good to keep around

Your username! 🤣😃

Can I be stupid and ask what this means?

[Ddot]

Iam flat chested and one guy said to his mate where are her tits. I heard this comment and as I was having a rather bad day didnt take it well. I retorted, my chest is like your personality small and insignificant. I worked in a bar and now can handle any remark thrown at me, point is why should I have to

[fedupslummymummy]

@Ddot
Exactly this!!! Why SHOULD women have an armoury of insults to repel RCM??
My daughter is 16. She USED to like running errands with her stepdad at weekends (we are farmers) and last week for the first time ever refused to go. I asked her why. She said “because the men at the suppliers make me feel uncomfortable. They stand too close they tell me to smile all the time as I’d be prettier. They stare at my boobs/legs/bum and make no effort to hide it. I don’t like it.”
And my heart broke all over again.

[BorderlineHappy]

😂

[pam290358]

@barbrahunter. I agree with the sentiment behind what you’ve said in your post, but on the other side of the coin, I was watching a video posted on YouTube recently. It was at an airport and an attractive, well dressed young woman was ranting and raving at a male airport attendant, letting loose a stream of vile language. The YouTuber ended up interviewing her on camera, at which point she went on and on about how her appearance was her own business and she didn’t need to be validated by anyone, let alone a ‘rude, thoughtless and entitled man’.

Although I didn’t recognise her, apparently she was an actress and all the poor man had done was innocently compliment her on the pretty dress she was wearing and how he had liked her in some play or other. When the YouTuber went and found him, he was really upset. He basically said that he didn’t understand why she was upset and that he had only meant to compliment her and hopefully brighten her day.

I was a bit horrified to be honest and I’ve seen a few incidents like this. Whilst I abhor the kind of comments described in this thread, I do wonder why some women seem to go over the top at the slightest provocation and treat all men with suspicion. I think something has happened to society in general during lockdown and we seem to have lost the ability to be kind to each other.

[Toastednuts69]

Seriously, you have your own wit and can make a suitable response - well done you for perpetuating the negativity between men and women. 60 years ago people would speak to each other in the street and know their neighbours, but most men (the guy you engaged seems is not one) are so concerned that a message may be miss construed that they just keep quiet. He was clearly aiming for the comment to be taken as a positive and giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar. We need to give people a little space to get it wrong sometimes. My social skills are not great (I'm Autistic and have been called a verbal hand grenade) and I get it wrong sometimes, probably why I've been lonely, single and miserable for most of my life. I won't be talking to women at the costa machine again though.

[UnGoogled]

Women don't have to be kind.

[EKGEMS]

@brokenbiscuitsx Classics is a section on here dedicated to funny, memorable, weird and/or interesting threads-take a look around some make me cry laughing

[MilesJuppIsMyBitch]

@Toastednuts69

Seriously, you have your own wit and can make a suitable response - well done you for perpetuating the negativity between men and women. 60 years ago people would speak to each other in the street and know their neighbours, but most men (the guy you engaged seems is not one) are so concerned that a message may be miss construed that they just keep quiet. He was clearly aiming for the comment to be taken as a positive and giving you the opportunity to say that you exercise regularly so these little treats are your reward or something similar. We need to give people a little space to get it wrong sometimes. My social skills are not great (I'm Autistic and have been called a verbal hand grenade) and I get it wrong sometimes, probably why I've been lonely, single and miserable for most of my life. I won't be talking to women at the costa machine again though.

Classic.

[EKGEMS]

@Toastednuts69 Wow-so it's the woman's fault?! There is nothing wrong with friendly interactions "small talk" however we are drawing a line between that and derogatory, condescension, sexist, rude comments. You have entered mansplaining and random comment territory

[pam290358]

@UnGoogled. You’re kind of making my point !!