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Original poster

Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

524 replies

GeneralClassification · 16/07/2019 11:30

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

OP posts:

moreslurpeethanburpee · 21/07/2019 11:57

These are hilarious- been following this thread all week! A colleague of mine had lost her watch and sent a message to her PT to see if she had left it there.... message read:

"Thanks for last night, my body is broken, did I leave my watch there?"

She accidentally sent it to a mum from her child's school. 😳

My mum was on the phone to my granny, and granny stopped and said "what's that smell... are you putting on nail polish?"

The same granny, who is always producing classic stories, asked the garden centre for erogenous soil.

When at mass once (I'm not Catholic) the priest said that if i wanted to join in at communion he would give me a blessing instead... I thought this would qualify me for a wafer and after the blessing (with a huge line behind me) I put my hands out as I had seen the others do, waiting for a wafer... the priest looked puzzled, so I opened my mouth for him to put it on my tongue, as I had also seen others do. He still didn't give me one, so I grabbed one out of the bowl and scurried back to my seat. I have no idea why I did it- or why the priest didn't tell me I wasn't to get one my grandparents were mortified and are probably still praying for my soul as I stole the body of Christ

angeltop · 21/07/2019 13:46

Genuine laugh out loud.

CharlesLeeRay · 21/07/2019 13:59

Not quite as funny, but I worked in a bar a few years ago and someone had asked for extra cheese on their burger or something.

Fast forward to completing the transaction.. I meant to say 'that's 50p change' instead I said... 'that's extra cheese please'. Still to this day, my then colleague laughs at me about it!

Bethiboo40 · 21/07/2019 14:07

I saw an elderly gentleman knock on my door a couple of months ago and by the time I got to the door he was walking away across the road. I shouted across the road "excuse me, can I help you with anything? (DFIL left house to us when he passed and I thought he might have been looking for him as has happened a few times.) The old man hollered back "I wonder if you'd like me to trim your bush?" To which I shouted back "no, you're alright thanks, our lads gonna do it for me it at the weekend!"

Blutopia · 21/07/2019 15:42

As a child aged about 6, I was dropping massive hints about a particular toy I wanted to play with. It was complex and involved my DF having to retrieve the box from a high shelf and set it all up, which was time consuming and usually made him huff and grump a bit.

So with my most winning cheeky grin, I said to DF in front of my brother and much older stepsisters, "Today I'd like to do something beginning with S and ending in X."

I was talking about Scalextrix and couldn't understand why everyone in the room aged over 12 collapsed with mirth.

So, that came out in the speeches at my wedding 25 years later...

HouseOfGoldandBones · 21/07/2019 16:01

Same office on the same day.

Answered the phone with the completely wrong Company name (I'd been doing some filing for another company & got mixed up) Person on the other end queried it & I kept up the pretence, then had to change my voice when he phoned back.

Then answered to a Michael Mann, said "bear with me Mr Mann" then had an attack of the giggles, because I then had a mental picture of Mr Tickle, couldn't stop laughing & then snorted. All the while Michael Mann was on the other end of the line & I hadn't muted it.

nothingtowearever · 21/07/2019 16:03

My DH asked me what time we needed to get to the plane station once because he forgot the word for airport 🤷🏼‍♀️ so now we call airports plane stations 😂

BlueMoonRising · 21/07/2019 19:38

I was talking about Scalextrix

What a shame you didn't know it ends in a c!

It reminds me of the time that the schools had inservice training, I was only slightly older.

I couldn't remember exactly what it was, so I told my patents we were off schools because the teachers had some sort of intercourse...

UncomfortableSilence · 21/07/2019 19:49

DD had been on a Biology field trip, I asked her what they did, apparently she went skinny dipping and was very pleased with herself that she wore the rubber gloves while doing so

Pond dipping is what she actually did

Iwanttorun9 · 21/07/2019 21:42

When I found out I had to get my eyes checked because of the medication I was on, I told everyone I had suppositories in my eyes. It was only my mum (about the 7th person I told) that couldn't stop laughing and said I meant deposits

HumptyDumpty43 · 22/07/2019 01:21

Brilliant hilarious posts - literally made me cry with laughter!!

I worked with a girl who came back from having a smear test in total hysterics. I asked her what was so funny and she said that she was lying there all ready and the nurse asked her when was her last smear?
My friend thought she's asked her 'When was your last meal?' so she answered 'Oh about 2 hours ago'. Evidently the nurse's face was a picture and they both couldn't stop laughing for the whole procedure.

Moltenpink · 22/07/2019 10:45

These are reminding me of a day in the office, we were all sitting working, answering phones etc and one colleague was getting increasingly but silently irritated at our other colleague loudly eating a huge bag of crisps. Next thing her phone rings, and she opens her mouth to say the standard “good morning finance Joan speaking...” but instead just blurted out “Ohhhhhhh..... MUNCHING!!!!!” Then slammed the phone down in horror 😂😂😂

MissMalone99 · 22/07/2019 18:56

My DF has always said he’s allergic to vinegar, he’s not, he just doesn’t like it. We were talking about this with my GF (DF’s FIL) and arguing that he wasn’t allergic and he needs to stop saying he is. Then my GF said that we should take my DF to the hospital, sit outside and give him a bag of chips with vinegar on and then see if he gets an erection. He meant reaction.

ThisHereMamaBear · 22/07/2019 19:13

I was working on a health campaign and asked someone if they wanted any "fat slags" instead of fat slabs. I then asked someone if they wanted me to send my bosses dick in the post rather than disk 😫 we had a tough filter installed too, not idea how they got through but any talk of Scunthorpe and you'd be in trouble!

anitagreen · 22/07/2019 20:12

@ThisHereMamaBear fat slags

Clankboing · 22/07/2019 20:53

Not embarrassing but this tickles me. My mum is well known for her mistakes. I was telling her about a squeaky swing in the garden. "Would UB40 help?" she asked. Meaning WD40 of course. I had visions of them approaching singing "Red red wine."

miniaturelocomotive · 22/07/2019 22:51

My DM once claimed that she and my Dad had stopped at a National Front place for lunch. She meant National Trust.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/07/2019 23:22

I have learned the hard way that my brain does NOT work after surgery. Because when they ask you in recovery if there's anything you'd like, "a runny fried egg, a line of coke and a blowjob" is neither expected or acceptable.
Mind you, this weekend DD used the phrase "bone wizards" to describe the fracture clinic. Then the on-call reg said of DGS "he's so lovely, you can bring him back any time" followed by "oops, perhaps not".

Aurea · 22/07/2019 23:56

To set the scene - in days of old when Blockbusters was where you hung out on a Saturday night. We had just returned from our honeymoon.

I was waiting in the queue at Blockbusters with my choice of film, when our vicar approached, looked down at my film selection and stated 'I see you're enjoying married life!' The video was Striptease with Demi Moore in a state of undress on the front cover. I was so mortified I stepped out of the shop with the video and got called back in by the shop assistant as he thought I was doing a runner! 😂

ShootTheRunner · 23/07/2019 13:52

In Greggs the other day. A man came in with his child and loudly said "What do you want, a chocolate starfish?"

RockinHippy · 24/07/2019 22:36

Some recent ones have reminded me of another that we heard about with a friends DS who was about 11 at the time.

He took his dad to one side for a private chat in a complete panic. Said he needed to see the doctor as his will kept swelling & getting a infection.

Much stifled giggling by the dad later, turned out that he'd misheard erection & thought the word was infection & he needed a doctor. He's an adult now & I still can't look at him & not stifle a giggle thinking of that

spongebunnyfatpants · 25/07/2019 00:27

Met some friends in the pub. I'm already at the bar when one of my friend walks in with a massive furry Minnie mouse bag. I start stroking the bag and say "wow I didn't realise your Minnie was this big!".

picallili90 · 25/07/2019 10:50

This is literally the only thing that has made me belly laugh for about a year, So thank you everyone

ysmaem · 25/07/2019 10:56

I was once trying to tell a guy I fancied what car he drove. Instead of saying Volkswagen i blurted out "He drives a wagon wheel"

ysmaem · 25/07/2019 10:57

One from my DS2. We were at the cinema one time and he asked the popcorn lady if he could have some "cockporn"

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