Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

While working in a predominantly telephone based job I was covering reception when a lady arrived for a meeting. She asked for someone and I asked her to 'hold the line please' while I went to get them!!

@ysmaem wagon wheel 😂 I work in a children's charity and in a presentation this week someone accidentally said 'pedophile' instead of 'PDF' in an I.T presentation...

Today I was wandering round the shops when a well intentioned young male shop assistant comes up with a chirpy welcome. "I'm fine", I said in a tone of voice like let me browse, I really don't want to chat.
He followed up with, "What's your gender today?"
Crikey I thought, young people today are so open about sexual matters, is this really how you start a conversation now? Or maybe... could he be asking whether I want to look at the women's or men's clothing ranges? But I've recently started work in an organisation well known for its support of LGBTQ people and I'm keen to bring myself up to date and show I'm at ease with issues of gender. So I answered confidently and loudly, "Today, I'm female!"
Shop assistant looks a bit confused but continues to chat, "What's your agenda today then, doing something nice later?"
Oh no.... [runs out of shop mortified]

My neighbour told me that he and his wife are going through a rather painful divorce.
What I opened my mouth to say is "you poor thing. That must be really hard for you. Make sure you look after yourself if you can."
Why I patted him on the shoulder and said "That's a lovely shirt" in a sorrowful voice, I have no idea.

I just said 'bloodshit' instead of 'bloodshot' when talking to the optometrist about my DS's eyes.

At a swimming pool with my DC. It was in a hotel. Not particularly fancy but offers spa days so there were a few women sitting by the pool in pairs chatting.

After lots of swimming back and forth across the pool at speed my DC was clearly knackered so I wanted to suggest a short break. I got a bit confused between do you need a breath and do you need a rest and called out too loudly, "do you need a breast?"

Wearing goggles I took the opportunity to slip under the water for a few moments to compose myself. It was rather fitting because I'd been struggling with a costume that kept exposing my right breast.....

Working in a call centre had a very obnoxious man Mr Tucker, he wanted to speak to my manager so put him on hold, manager is all what’s his name ? “Mr M Tucker, M for mother” manager starting pissing himself laughing, I had no idea why.

Snooky17 I'm laughing like a silly thing at that one; this whole thread is cheap therapy!

I approached the ice cream van in the park with my two children and asked the bemused man for a 69'er rather than a 99'er. Haven't used an ice cream van since, can't trust myself

In my early days working on a local newspaper, I was hauled into the editor’s office because someone I’d quoted had called in and complained that he hadn’t even spoken to me. Liar. I was furious and insisted: “I spoke to him for a good ten minutes, we had full intercourse!!”.

I’m still not sure what I meant. A dialogue I think. Neither of said anything for a moment then he guffawed and said “bloody hell, that’s taking it a bit far!”.

I work in a shop and the customer at the next till asks for a pack of extra safe condoms, my colleague misheard but goes off to look and shouts over the whole shop sorry we don't do extra small condoms! She was affronted when she realised what she said I near wet myself! I also served a man who bought a pack of condoms, bottle of baby oil and a pair of rubber gloves! 😂😂

I was serving at the till and the customer at the next till had a huge bottom. I mean massive! She was not overweight or anything just her bottom was massive compared to the rest of her body. I finished serving my customer and instead of calling out who's next please I shouted out who's massive!

I used to work in a fast food chain, but then got a job at a super market, I told a customer to enjoy her meal when she paid for her shopping

Once, when I lived at home, I'd had a Saturday night out to end all Saturday nights. Next day, my hangover was being measured on the Richter Scale. While cooking lunch, DM and I usually had a glass of wine or two. So she opened a bottle and asked me "Ashwell, are you staying celibate today?" Er, yes Mum. I'm not drinking either.

My SIL was expecting a large furniture delivery and was pre-occupied with the fact that it wouldn't fit through the front door. When it arrived, she opened the door and immediately blurted out: "I've got a back passage!"

The startled deliveryman paused for a moment before venturing: "Hello would be nice."

I was with my friend at a petrol station, buying a few snacks a while ago and we got to the front of the queue.

The assistant asked her (quite clearly, I thought), 'Any fuel today?'

My friend looked a bit surprised and then replied, 'Um, yes, I feel good today, thank you. How do you feel today?'

The assistant and I just lost it and couldn't stop shaking with laughter as he bagged our snacks up and took payment.

10 years old me, back from guide camp singing '5 jelly fish sitting on a rock' to my parents. There was also a version that went 'sitting on a dish'. So of course my brain combined them to make '5 jelly fish, sitting on a dick'. Still cringe, my parents thought it was hilarious.

Oh my God. New to Mumsnet since I lurked here and did a couple of posts around A Level results day. (have had username for ages but never even bothered to look at it, having been fed the crap that Mumsnet is full of earnest middle class hand-wringers).
I have just spent the best and happiest Saturday afternoon for ages, literally crying and howling with laughter at this thread.
Hairy Growler, 'cracking one off' and 'I've got a back passage' practically finished me off.
Thanks all, I feel wonderfully uplifted.

We were eating in a French restaurant with a friend and his 3 yr old son. When the drinks arrived our friend asked the waitress for "une pipe pour mon fils", which translates as "a blow job for my son". He meant to ask for a straw!

Still mortified me. When I was about 10 I was talking with my mum and her friend on a walk to school and telling them about a toy rubber octopus that I had and loudly announced that 'it was covered in stretchy testacles' they were dying

At dinner one day DH forgot the word for custard and asked where the cake gravy was.

@Kezza8 , yours is the one that really has made me laugh. Thank you.

A friend of mine some years ago was helping out by covering reception in the small company she worked for (she was usually in another area, on admin).
Guy turns up to collect the confidential waste and my friend didn't quite hear him properly.
He leaned a bit closer and said quite clearly, "The confidential waste."
My friend then leads him off towards the women's toilets and tells him, "There's one disposal bin per cubicle."
He went a bit red and said, "I'm not here for the sanny bins, love. I'm here for the documents to be shredded."

I texted the lady who does my waxing that I needed to cancel my appointment because unfortunately "I had a dick bug"