Oh my god. Think my mugshot must be pinned to the counter in Boots

[GeneralClassification]

I needed to buy first aid bits and bobs to take on holiday. Popped into Boots and it was one of the mega sized ones, so I asked an assistant.

What I meant to say was ‘where do you keep the first aid things?’

What I did say was ‘where are the air traffic controllers?’

😭😭😭

She actually backed away from me 😭

My Grandfather suffered from arthritis and often needed help undoing his coat buttons. One day he couldn't locate my Grandmother and shouted out "Where are you Exxx and what are you doing?" Back came the reply " I'm playing with myself in the glory hole". She had been clearing out the junk room (very small bedroom) and had come across a game of solitaire!

My mum is forever saying something needs "jizzing up"....."jazzing up"mum you mean "jazzing up" 🙄

I was lurking for ages in a Jewellers once looking at gold rings.
I went round and round just looking.
Eventually a young male staff member approached and said ‘ can I help you? What are you looking for?’

I said

‘I’m looking for a little finger ring’ except of course he heard ‘ I’m looking for a little fingering’

We stared at each other in silence

‘Uh. Gold or uh silver madam?’

I left very quickly and still don’t have a little finger ring

I used to work as a junior and was the only female in the office. Writing out loads of envelopes to addresses in Middlesex, Sussex, Essex and noting a theme said out loud (and out of context) "What is sex?"

Oh, and not me, but a colleague in another job used to run monthly analysis reports. Bless her innocence, she never knew what I was sniggering at when she announced it was time for the "monthly anal"

😂😂😂😁

I worked on a project once that had five regions involved. After three (consecutive!) times of introducing a colleague as "Helen from the Black Forest strand", I gave up and just said the West Midlands.

We went out for dinner and they were all teasing me about the Black Country Gateau...

@ConorMcgregorsChin I'm snorting. Y for Wanky🤐 🤔😂

These are fantastic...I'm literally crying with laughter!

I had just started working in a HR department when I was about 18.
There was a big presentation to a colleague who had reached a milestone birthday. I knew him as Dick.
They presented his gift to him as Richard.

I said innocently to him, loud enough for the whole office to hear "oh! You don't look like a Richard...you look like a dick'.

I was brought up abroad and came back to the UK to do my O Levels. I was the new girl in a private school and fairly self conscious. One day, we were having a bit of a gossip about a boy and I wanted to say 'He's a right drip' but as I visualised a sink and a dripping tap in my head whilst trying to grasp the expression, I actually said 'He's a right facecloth!'
Another time, someone asked the names of the Seven Dwarfs, I very confidently started by saying Sleepy, Gropey.....

It takes a lot to embarrass me but my husband managed it spectacularly once.

I was returning a pair of cycle shorts that didn't fit to a shop. At the head of a fairly long queue, man behind the counter is putting the refund through with no problem at all, when my husband walks up, turns the shorts inside out and says to the guy (while waving the crotch of said shorts under his nose) "look, you can see they haven't been worn. The gusset's pristine".

For those who don't know, you don't wear underwear with cycling shorts.

WTF? Who does that? I was speechless. The guy behind the counter was mortified. I went back to the shop a few years later, fully prepared to hide if I saw the same shop assistant again.

Even now if my husband is remotely embarrassing me all I have to do is hiss "gusset" at him and he claims up immediately.

I was in a store with my two boys who were fooling around and being rambunctious. My husband called me and asked where the boys were and I replied, loudly "They are with me, both jerking off."

One I just remembered: staying in Boston, USA, it was lovely to see the lady over the road on the way to her wedding, being properly escorted in all her finery, and I made some remark about how nice it was to see dad taking the bride to church, just as we do in the UK

Of course, it was the groom ...

I once asked one of my patients as I assisted her onto a chair if she needed a ‘clean seat to shit on’ as opposed to a ‘clean sheet to sit on’ 🤦🏼‍♀️

We have a ring doorbell and in the app you can talk through the doorbell without someone pressing the doorbell.

My partner was out in the front garden pottering about so as a joke I picked up the doorbell through the app and did the darth Vader voice and breathing like LUKE I AM YOUR FATHER
Which was fine except the neighbour had come out to talk to him right as I did it (semi detached house)
🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

🤣🤣🤣🤣 sounds like the kind of thing I would say OP

And I’ve just remembered one. DH and I in our first home, planted some flowers in the front. Neighbours moved in, all lovely couples. One gay couple next to us.

One Saturday morning we’re pottering about and I say “oh look, the pansies have come out” at the precise moment that the neighbours left the house 🤦‍♀️

I thanked a very confused postman for my new boob! I wasn't even distracted - it really was my new prosthesis but he was awfully shocked

I went into a chemist when my eldest ds (he’s now 34) was a baby and asked for something for cradle crap, the assistant gave me a strange look as I started laughing

On holiday in France. DSis has nasty dose off thrush but being a teen won't go to Pharmacy. DSM goes but doesn't know the work for it so instead tells them her daughter has lady mushrooms. They all turn and stare at me

When I worked in publishing my bosses boss (large man in his 60s) ran up to my desk in a rush and asked very loudly I. Front of the whole open plan office "SippingSipsmith, have you got the runs?" he meant print runs but the whole office collapsed and I felt as embarrassed as I would have if I did have the actual runs!

I love "lady mushrooms". I shall call it that from now on

Not me, but my very dour Scottish grandmother who was playing golf with a couple of other very straight elderly ladies.

A group of male golfers had caught up with the women at the next hole. Not wanting to hold the men up, my grandmother suggested the men went ahead of them. The men politely said they were happy to wait, to which my grandmother said "but I'd rather see you in front than feel your behind'. She couldn't understand why the male golfers fell into helpless hysterics.

Also just remembered my grandma coming to mass with us. She's catholic too so no excuses to be made when we at that point in the service where you give the people around you a sign of peace. She was well into her 70s at the time and loudly said you everyone she shook hands with "pleased to meet you" instead of "peace be with you" my 10 year old self had to have a little chat with her after mass. Everyone was frowning or sniggering.

@Constantlurker,

I couldn't fall asleep yesterday after reading this, was laughing so hard