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Original poster

I can offer you solutions to all your problems

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 10:16

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Frazzlerock · 14/02/2019 11:55

@mummmy2017

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 11:56

Care I've given this a lot of thought over the years. First, think about CCTV, also traffic cams, I'm not sure they're all visible. Do you have an integral garage? You must somehow get the body into the boot of your car. Do not wrap the body in plastic as this will preserve forensic evidence (duh). Leave your phone at home and drive to a river or similar and tip the naked body in (naked for forensics - duh).

OP posts:
LilQuim · 14/02/2019 11:59

I have so many problems. I am a soup of issues.

But topping today's list is: given that I have nobody who loves me on Valentine's Day & showers me with expensive gifts, should I treat myself to a nice shimmery bronzer even though I'll be 51 next week & shimmer is probably not my friend?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 12:00

I have to go out now but will solve all your problems later. Stay strong people, I'm only a click away.

OP posts:
IDoN0tCare · 14/02/2019 12:01

Thank you for your well thought out advice. If I can trouble you for a little clarity on your advise to:

drive to a river or similar and tip the naked body in (naked for forensics - duh) It’s awful cold out, could I not keep my clothes on?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 12:01

Quim oh that one is easy. Wait till tomorrow and buy yourself tons of cut price flowers, chocolates, make up and perfume. Because you're worth it and it's all half price. Adjust the date on your phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 12:04

Care have a "go bag" packed and wrapped in plastic with a change of clothes and shoes for yourself. Tip the naked dead person in the river, remove your clothes and shoes and throw them in the river and then dress yourself from your "go bag". Think ahead woman, be prepared!

OP posts:
OldBrownShoe · 14/02/2019 12:04

I gave my partner a list of jobs to do while he was on annual leave. I had a whole rant practiced and ready in my head for when he didn’t do them. But he did them all, plus one I didn’t ask him to. How do I handle his obedience and forward thinking?

IDoN0tCare · 14/02/2019 12:07

OMG thighofrelief101, you are truely a genius and a little bit scary.

goes off to retrieve body of mouse from trap

LilQuim · 14/02/2019 12:08

@thighofrelief101 thank you! I would never have come up with that! Also, as it's my b'day next week, obvs this is MY month. sashays

AornisHades · 14/02/2019 12:08

Oh bargain bogof advice on the nosy neighbour.
🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟 Prompt and efficient service. Will definitely use again.

Tighnabruaich · 14/02/2019 12:08

My husband sneezes unnecessarily loudly. Like an elephant trumpetting into a megaphone. It's both alarming and annoying. Can I hit him over the head with a frying pan?

lolaflores · 14/02/2019 12:09

I have a suggestion for short people who yearn to be taller.
A back brace and hang sandbags off your legs in bed at night.
It should add two feet by months end.
All the best

SubparOwl · 14/02/2019 12:10

I start work in 51 minutes.

Please make it so I don't have to go, at no cost to myself, my business or my colleagues.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 14/02/2019 12:11

Thank you. Five star service. Highly recommended.

FlaviaAlbia · 14/02/2019 12:18

IDoN0tCare Grin I really needed that laugh Grin

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 14/02/2019 12:19

I applied for a job at about 10pm last night, and they haven't begged me to come work for them yet. How do I make them love me?

halfwitpicker · 14/02/2019 12:20

I would recommend rewatching all of Friends, it's easy and you know it all anyway.

^^

Grin
TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 14/02/2019 12:21

Oh, @Tighnabruaich I know this one!

My husband sneezes unnecessarily loudly. Like an elephant trumpetting into a megaphone. It's both alarming and annoying. Can I hit him over the head with a frying pan?

Hang a selection of frying pans all over the house, he is bound to do a Big Sneeze near one, and bash himself!

SubparOwl · 14/02/2019 12:28

Oh God she's gone. I don't know what to do now.

Tighnabruaich · 14/02/2019 12:29

LOL @ TheQueenSnortsAvocados

notquitethesame · 14/02/2019 12:37

I want to lose weight (or at least avoid putting more on), have a healthier diet and also save some money. However, I also want to eat out a lot (to avoid having to think what to cook), eat cake and chocolate and drink a lot of nice wine frequently. I'm hoping that, as the all knowing wise woman of the internet you will have a simple yet genius solution to allow me to do all of this at the same time. Thanks!

Heathcliff27 · 14/02/2019 12:37

There's an emptiness here now Sad

Nyon · 14/02/2019 12:37

Should I go for a new job? It’s a promotion, which I won’t get where I am currently. But I’m worried about whether or not I’ll actually get it, if there are problems in the dept, if I’ll hate the environment and I don’t fancy telling my current boss. But I’m bored where I am and my boss has a death grip on all responsibilities. What should I do, oh Oracle?

Tinty · 14/02/2019 12:48

@lolaflores

But I don't want two extra feet. It would make getting my trousers on difficult, I know I could wear skirts but they are not really me (cankles Grin), and extra shoes would be expensive and what if I couldn't get two pairs the same? I would look silly with different shoes.

I just want 4 extra inches (no smutty jokes, thank you). Smile