I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

I've lost my glasses. Where are they?

Also, why does the weird, chain-smoking, smelly bloke on the bus seem to think I'm his 'bus girlfriend'? I'm 45 and have a natural resting scowl face. He always shouts and flaps when he sees me get on. Just to make it clear, I have done nothing to encourage his amorous attentions.
Thanks in advance thigh

I've ripped a nail. Should I call an ambulance?

Heathcliff hide the laundry and spray furniture polish around the door frame just as people are about to come home. You can continue doing nothing until 10 minutes before your peace is ruined by invaders.

I have the flu. Any suggestions on websites, tv shows etc. to cheer me up?

*Please note I am already lying down.

Thanks thigh, I feel you should have a dear deirdre-esq column in a newspaper or some sort of online emergency help site. Much fantastic advice here today

How can i learn to type as quickly as you?

Three perhaps your sight got better overnight and you forgot? Or have you felt the top of your head? Maybe the man on the bus is your boyfriend and it's you who's confused? Book an appointment with the memory clinic.

Mess ambulances take a long time to come and they make you stay on the phone which is boring. Cut your nail and then put a sesame street plaster on your finger thus indicating to the world that you have a boo boo.

Actually this thread is so entertaining that perhaps I don't need further suggestions

I am also short and would like to grow 4 inches. Is there anyway to do this without moving to a different country? Oh and I am already wearing 3 inch heels. Also what do I do when I am old and can't wear heels anymore? Is there an upper age limit to wearing heels?

I have another question, how can I eat lots and lots and lots of cake and chocolate without getting fat? And I don't like exercise, so that is not an option. Being short, getting fat is really easy. So 4 extra inches to fill with cake would be really useful.

And I am still as short lying down.

Are you an Austraillian Expert? Apparently there are experts in everything in Australia at the moment.

Phew, thank you! I am now horizontal and feel much better.

I'm waiting for my husband to finish having a minor op. I really want to go and get a bar of chocolate but I'm sat in the only comfy chair in the waiting room and it's getting busy.
Should I risk losing the comfy chair to get chocolate?

*Pink ah yes, TV is one of my specialties, do you have Netflix or Amazon? Stay lying down at all costs.

Both Netflix and Amazon!
My attention span is currently about 20 minutes though.

I'm stuck on the toilet trying to poop and my huge dog is laying at my feet dropping stinkbombs. She won't move and i think I'm gunna end up puking. What do I do?

I can’t decide whether to move back to the uk or cut my losses and risk my child growing up stupid (this country’s education system is crap).
Please can you decide for me?

I'd like a dog, but I don't have the time, money or space for one, plus my landlord doesn't allow them. What do you suggest? (Note: I already have two children so a child as a substitute has already been unsuccessfully trialled twice)

Tha k you op. I have commenced lying down. I also second tintys questions about cake and chocolate and await advice soonest.

Heathen to type as quickly as me you have to go back in time and be too stupid to do Chemistry O Level and be sent to typing class instead to keep you from messing around.

Pinkkahori can heartily recommend Outlander on Amazon if you like saucy historical drama/romance interspersed with sexy naked male buttocks and manly chest - has brightened these long winter evenings and can be watched lying down too .

@Frazzlerock

Sex and lots of it...
Get your man into bed any way you can.
Evening you don't get pregnant yet, just think of the fun you can have with plans to pounce on him...
Oh and lots of silly messages, so he knows your after his sexy body....

thigh Do you think mummmy2017 is on the wrong thread?

Tinty you are not short and fat. You are petite, cute, cuddly and bubbly. Exercise is just silly, it's tiring, and cake gives you energy.

I am not Australian but perhaps I am typing in a London accent which could be causing the confusion.

winds how minor an op? If he is going to need looking after that will be boring and this is your opportunity to LTB. If you "love" him then do a little pee on the chair to save it and loudly announced to the waiting room "sorry about peeing on the chair" then go and get chocolate and come back to your chair.

How do I deal with the "attitude" of my 12 year old son...he is a chronic PIA most days and is now also taller than me! He never bloody listens and needs a bomb up his arse!