Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

Proper rubbish collections, nutty villagers and now a milkman. We are truly blessed, and I am shoving up next to everyone on the sofa with popcorn and a happy sigh.

Thre is a hint of a threat in there, its a very strange letter.

I think I would also alert the police and then if anything untoward did happen to you or your property the letter writers would be the first port of call. If its a small village, the local bobby might even have an idea who it might be.

You can find out who wrote the letter by a quick spelling test. Anyone who thinks "vicinity" is spelt"fasinate", "edible" is spelt "edable", and "messures" is measures will be squarely in the frame.

This being Village Business am making cream teas as they are more appropriate ... but think we should sell them across the thread to fundraise... then we can buy The Villagers a shiny new laptop and printer for future Village Business! and hopefully more threads like this

Maybe the milkman wanted to deliver early, before it got too hot - or perhaps he'd planned to play golf this morning?!

Red van. Postman? But presumably you recognise your postie?

God, threats over anamal welfare and everything.....

Op, I have had this type of letter for years. Basically one holiday home owner in a nearby courtyard does not want my hedge blocking his view of my private garden and the church beyond. Trees beyond my land block it in any event. 18 bloody years of it. He always says others have complained too and is vaguely threatening. He has also told me he knows there is something criminal in my past. What???

I just hate this passive aggressive crap. It sounds like Hot Fuzz crossed with the Wicker Man fgs. Who are these "The villagers"? Why on earth not come and see you about your mutual problem?

I hope you can resolve the fly tipper issue but we have had to accept that there are clearly mh issues involved with our letter writer because he is involved in numerous disputes at his primary home in the Cotswolds. He is incapable of stopping himself.

I love the phonetic spelling of "vicinity": fa-sin-a-te with "te" sounding "tay".

He / she is also a big fan / lover of the slash to express / explain their ideas / intentions as many ways as possible.

I love these threads! Nothing ever happens here! Australia is so boooooring. I might put my alarm at 2 am to read updates then get back to sleep!!

Gotta love a good "blue crayon" letter

Red van isn’t postie, he comes at 8.30. Red van man is suspect number 1 atm in absence of any other suspect. Also milkman is an outlier.

I have spoken to nearest neighbour and he is outraged and planning on moving his “tip” pile to the edge of his property in hopes of receiving a letter.

Village bobby not answering her phone but was last spotted down the creek so I’m going to see if I can find her down there —sunning— —herself—

Strike through didn’t work

Oh my word!

Is your village Royston Vassey? If so, that could indicate which “measures” the angry villagers plan to take.

I had no idea anywhere had a village bobby any more.

After initially having a chuckle at the letter I've reread and seen just how sinister it really is and urge you to contact both the local police and both district and parish councils , you need them all to be aware of this situation and be keeping an eye out for you and your property .

Very definitely threats written into the message that need serious consideration & cannot just be taken as a bluff on their part to get you motivated to do what they requested as far as the bags of rubbish

My first thoughts were the person writing this is not used to English as their first language or maybe dyslexic and possibly guess at some mh issues as well

Also have a look on the 'fix my street' ap and see if anyone has complained about the rubbish on there ( they may not be aware it exists ) most of the reporting is anonymous but some do leave their names

I hope it all gets sorted

I'm just going to say Royston Vasey and The Wicker Man.

We pay for the village bobby from parish funds and share her with the next village over.

She must hate her job because the only crime is dog poo related and teens drawing a penis on the bus shelter

My good God it all happens in villages doesn't it..village bobby might be able to help you get the word out that its not your rubbish!

I've not seen that many slashes since the Guns 'n' Roses 'You could be mine' music video on constant bloody repeat in the early nineties

Nope that letter is written by a poorly educated British person, not a foreigner. The quintessentially British threats are a sight to behold.

WTAF!!!!

Who are these loonies? Can you move your CCTV to cover more area? If I were fly tipping and occasionally doing it with enough time to give the foxes first dibs, I'd probably be dumping from 9PM onwards, or as soon as it was dark.

Put up one of those cardboard cutouts of a policeman / SWAT team / Arnie Schwarzenegger. Apparently doing that in shops cuts shoplifting by quite a lot. They'll get a massive shock the first time anyway...

Bergerac/John Nettles doesn't live close by to you, does he Flybirdfly?
This is all very Midsomer-ish.

We had one in our last house about our garden gate "blocking access to the rear of neighbouring properties" which made it "a fire risk".
The gate didn't lock and never had done but was there to prevent my dcs running into a busy road
I found out who it came from and sent a drawing back which meant we never haleard anything if it again. Thevguyblived 5 doors down and it was along the lines that I was hardly going to shout at him to get off my land peasant if he appeared in the garden on fire. My next door neighbour found it hilarious and said, when the letter writer complained about it she had to make out she had a cake in the oven as she was trying hard not to set herself.
I hate letters like that, why not just speak to a person instead!

I am reminded of that painting, American Gothic when I read this.