Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

Oh no 😱. Is next door neighbour not to be trusted?

What a wankery letter.

That is my shadow the sun is going down!!

Right NDN couldn’t find dick. So no hope there. But he did show to two other villagers who knew nothing about it and one of them offered to buy me a wheelie bin and said don’t let them bully her

NDN thinks I should laminate it and stick it up in post office. It’s only 50p a week so I shall consider it!

I also have his photocopy so I can make another copy as cat sick has ruined the other one

I’m very jealous that your village has a chippy and a post office etc. Our village has a church, a village hall and a pub and houses and farmland 😂 no shops takeaways or post offices to be seen.

Sooooo it’s been around 20 minutes... how long until one of us alerts the police that OP from a village somewhere with a private crooked bobby is being held hostage as part of a conspiracy?

Well it’s been 20 mins.....

Cross post! Phew you’re still with us OP

In other news someone has chucked a Costa cup, a red solo drinks cup and a ginsters pie wrapper outside my house. As much as I am inclined to pick them up I think I’m going to leave them there

Definitely leave them!

Put it in the post office window! I love a post office window. Ours is 50p a week too.

So RVM and JB are potentially FWB? Dick is a Russian biatch and neighbour is looking like he knows too much! DCat is covering up all trails in its own vomit and there's a 3am Yeti that has we know not what intent!

Right... we need as many of us as possible in The Slaughtered Lamb at 9pm...does anyone know of a quick turnaround marquee company? We are definitely going to need a bigger bar!

FlyBird you still alive? Please tell me neighbour isn't laying a new patio!

But, Fly, presumably you still have the original photo that you took too - before you put the watermark on it? You could print loads of them!

NannyOgg, mattresses weren’t us. We haven’t had any bulky stuff since we locked the gates. Had a bin bag of old CDS last week though.

I took dire straits before the bin man got them

I’d make a giant A2 sign to stick outside where you put your rubbish bags saying something along the lines of “dear flytippers and litterers I have CCTV footage and it will be forwarded to the police”

Love this thread, absolutely brilliant!
Nothing to add really, but OP, just would like to know why your dog can't bark? Is it poorly or is there a breed of dogs that don't bark? Genuinely interested. (And also place marking as this really IS better than the Archers! Not too difficult atm....)

Phew. You're alive! Did JB not ring at all today then?

This is very odd! I’m jealous of the village bobby though- do you live in heartbeat?

Sorry, but “Dick is a Russian biatch” made me laugh so much

Dog is ridiculously French Bulldog that makes a noise like a squeaky ball when she barks. Have only heard her twice in her life!

make a big saying saying something along the lines of "flytippers.you are being filmed on cctv and the footage is currently mounting in the police case against you.stop or good luck in prison"

Dick isn’t anyone’s biatch, he walks his dog round the woods at 11pm every night with just a torch and a shooting stick. Dick is hardcore

I'm sorry but "dick is hardcore" has just made me snort into my G&T

OP, is the rubbish only dumped at night? Maybe that's why Juliet Bravo was at RVM's during daylight hours, can't get her kicks at night with the village bad boy because he's too busy fly tipping...

Loving the colour of your nail polish by the way!

Ok, I can probably shed some light on the CCTV thing.

Do you know what your CCTV alerts are set off by? What is the name of the system?

You probably either have a beam/PIR system or analytics (possibly using trip wires, motion or true analytics).

Beam systems send alerts when someone/something crosses that physical beam. They aren't great for working out exactly what caused the alert because there's nothing on the footage to highlight what it was and sometimes (often) they aren't set up right and so the beams don't fully match the camera. There may have been movement but if the camera isn't looking directly at the path of the beam it won't necessarily catch what it was.

Analytics are easier to work out what has caused the alert but they can be a mixture of over/under sensitive and often rely on the area being monitored being well lit at night. Basically, true analytics take a look at the image and decides that a bunch of pixels looks or is acting/moving like a person, or a vehicle etc and will normally put a box around the offending item in the alert. If it's too dark, it won't be able to differentiate between pixels. Analytics are definitely more effective and easier to monitor etc but are also prone to false activations from various sources. Spiders, foliage, sunlight etc. Trip wires in analytics aren't like actual trip wires but work on a virtual line across the image as opposed to the area.

Non-detection can happen if beam not crossed, area too dark, detection rules/settings not sensitive enough etc etc.

Loving this thread.....it has a bit of a 'Bridget Jones' feel to it!