Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

SassyAssassin it's a bit hot! But I'm trying to enjoy it, the cigars are great!

I'm coming back shortly, so shall we all meet in The Slaughtered Lamb at 9pm again, I'll try and get the right pub this time.

Looking hot Tatty! YYY to Slaughtered Lamb at 9pm! Look for FlyBird's DDog but do not, repeat do not, go anywhere in the fasinate of her DCat!

Ooh, I know which village you're in! I agree with the locals that the church isn't very much to look at. (No idea which farm or anything about any locals, though, sadly... I want to snoop and contribute...)

This thread is amazing!

HOWEVER, under threat of messures, I’d like you all to stop impugning the name of Mike the Milkman. He was with me in eurgh’s sex hedge at the time of the events in question, so couldn’t possibly be involved.

My money’s on Alan. Have you tried leaving ‘well worn’ shoes outside as bait?

I am not normally one to laugh at someone’s lack of grammar skillz but there is something wonderful about the combination of epic grammar fails with such a staggering sense of self importance.

Fasinate 😂😂😂

I do have to love letters where people try to use long words that they have a) no idea of the real meaning of and b) no idea how to spell.

So letter was either written by very erudite older member of village who is trying to divert attention from her by using fake bad spelling, or Benny of Crossroads lives next door.

Pub, anyone?

I also feel that this thread should have it' own DUM...DUM...DUMMMMM soundtrack.

Slightly jealous of all your villages. Ours has a school, a church (recently reopened), a grim pub and a post office. That’s all for miles.

Once we had a pcso, but she left the job and no one replaced her.

Would love a takeaway or a chiropodist......

@Zaphodsotherhead - here you go:

Thank you @WatchaMaCallit!

But nobody has to wear flares, right?

This thread remind me so much of home 🤓

And DP wonders why i don’t want to move back…

Zaphod EVERYONE must wear flares. Always. And especially your other head has to wear flares.

What day is bin collection day? I want to be sure and get a spot on the sofa for the update afterwards. -And in no way am I merely place marking!-

My money is on the parish council writing this letter. I bet they gossip about it at meetings.

A small town near me has a police officer that is paid for by the parish. Their (tiny) police station closed a couple of years ago and locals were up in arms about this. Livid. After kicking up massive amounts of fuss, employing their own police officer using a grant was the outcome.

I agree with a pp that the letter looks like it's been written by somebody's child. I do believe that they've utilised a small person to cover their tracks.

Dastardly.

Pulls up chair and waits for updates......

I think that the OP has been drowned by PC Julia in the creek!

I might join some of you in the pub this evening

I’m still alive. I’ve had a call from the parish council clerk re wanting to speak to the bobby. She has spoken up her and asked her to call ASAP. So I will await a phone call!

Bin day is Thursday. I’m going to put mine out WEDNESDAY NIGHT

You need a killer chicken like my Ginger, she'll see off all fly tippers and letter wielding fruit cakes.

Ooo- speaking up her sounds interesting Flybird & possibly intimidating .
I like your chicken Haber

Do you think the parish clerk is in on this? I mean did she really speak to the bobby or is she tied up somewhere?

Do you have a cellar OP ?

The parish council clerk is a paid role and should be legit. Unlike parish councillors who are anyone.

Let us know if Juliet bravo calls.

FluBird put your bins out tonight! Please ... double dog dare 😁

I'm back from Cuba, so pub at 9, I hope there's enough room for us all.

Janet pop is that the biggest chicken in the world! It look like a giant chicken from The Goodies.

Bloody hell Haberpop I wouldn't be messin' with anything in the fasinate of Ginger! She looks like a bird who can seriously look after herself!!

Looking forward to the phone call update FlyBird - I think you should try and record the call and then us supersleuths can dissect every single word for you! #overinvested

Oh Jeez - don't tell me you brought Janet back from Cuba with you Tatty? That's all we need - Janet wading in!