Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

Morning MN Supersleuths! And thanks Madd

Email to PC is good idea FlyBird - then you are leaving trails in cyberspace should anything go awry! All joking aside you do need to alert Julia to this. When is your neighbour seeing Dick? Although am thinking Dick might be busy at the World Cup masquerading as an England fan to covertly carry out his dodgy Russian deals at the mo!

Any chance the dog was being a PItA because the letter deliverer was nearby?

Any chance the dog was being a PItA because the letter deliverer was nearby?

That's creepy! But you could be right. Glad somebody's alert this early

Oh fuck hadn’t even thought of that! She was bashing around in her crate but she can’t bark so very possibly

I just went downstairs, opened crate and front door flung her out and stomped off to bed

Maybe you could take the dog on walks around the village and see if she reacts to anyone that fits the letter-writing profile??

It's 8.30am and this thread has started my day laughing.

FlybirdFly This has all the makings of a Famous Five mystery!

On a serious note (sorry, no pun intended!) I hope you solve the mystery of the mysterious letter writer and get the fly-tippers caught!

Hmm, left field twist suggestion: How old is your DD? Are you absolutely sure she didn't create this herself one Saturday night while Netflixing Malcolm in the Middle, forget about it, and then pretend to shove it through the door on Monday, thus creating a whole week's worth of bondable sleuthing?

Are either of these your village? I particularly liked Lyminge, but also the impetsonating a police officer - who would never ask for personal details in real life.

Haha no neither of them are my village! But lolz at police not asking for personal details

DDs handwriting is atrocious she couldn’t even pretend to write to that poor standard!

This thread is fasinateing for us lot but not so great for OP

I just popped by to recommend a little light reading while the investigation continues. Nicola Barker's novel Burley Cross Postbox Theft features a village bobby (PC Roger Topping) investigating the disappearance of said article, and everyone in the village is under suspicion. Letters are quoted at length, too. I thought of it as soon as I read of your travails, OP

DS has suggested putting up a sign saying

TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT

I fear that may be veering into dodgy territory tbh

Oooh just found this thread. Following, because who doesn't love a good whodunit!

In other news the cat threw up on the fucking letter . Not sure how I will explain that to village bobby. Will try and retrieve copy from NDN if he is still alive

You've still got a photo of it though, even if the original is a bit messy now!

Good morning! Think I've worked out what your bobby was up to at the creek...

Haha I love villagers-bat shit the lot of them. We get notes on our/visitors cars if we park on the road outside their house, get told off for not weeding our garden path and frequently have our wheely bin nicked and put in someone else's garden if we don't put it back immediately after emptying (because, you know, we're 60 years younger and still at work)

Very jealous of all your amenities! We get a fish and chip van once a week... no takeaways will deliver to us either...

OMFG! If the letter writer has somehow persuaded the cat to join in their campaign nowhere is safe! Get out, get out now!

Oooh, Rubber, our only village amenity is a once a week chip van too! We used to have a phone box, but that went the way of most other phone boxes. There is a once a week bus though!

Have you shown the letter to to the dog? Maybe he'll sniff it and go straight to the home of the perpetrator (as in every Enid Blyton novel ever). More likely though he'll just show you the cat.

It's like a live episode of Midsummer Murders. I'm loving it. Sorry OP!

In other news the cat threw up on the fucking letter

What the heck was the cat doing under the fruit bowl?

Oh! It's hot in Cuba, I'm melting. .

I think you should photocopy the letter (not the cat sick one), then write on the photocopy 'will the writer/sender of this letter please identify themselves', then re-photocopy x 100 (population of village) and get your DC to post it to every house. That'll set the cat among the pigeons.

Are you havana good time out there Tatty?

@FlybirdFly I would be utterly convinced that you live in my village if it wasn't for that fact that I haven't heard about any flytipping issues (and believe me I would have in either the village 'magazine' newsletter or one of the many resident gossips) we too have a similar junction to the one at your house and we too have a parish council funded village bobby, who is also female and spends half her time dossing about and the other half dealing with dog poo complaints and the occasional spray painted penis on the bus stop.

My guess is that Dick wouldn't approve of a) this sort of cloak and dagger shit, and b) would have been appalled at the spelling, grammar, punctuation and general presentation of that letter so I doubt he'll have heard who it was. BUT as a dog walker he may be able to suggest suspects for 1)other dog walkers that use that route and may be offended by the strewn rubbish, and 2)people he's seen around looking a bit dodgy.

If your village is like mine then nobody will believe that anything so heinous as fly-tipping could possibly be committed by anyone from The Village (much like the penis on the bus stop must be done by teenagers coming over from The Town )

You need to put up a few of these.

Has anyone actually seen Dick, the local bobby and the milkman together all at the same time? Is it possible they could actually be the same person? Their various 'personas' trying to write that letter is why it's come across so strange?

I think you might find OP that you are living in a village that only consists of about 2 other people. That's why there are people driving around your house at 2am (because there just isn't enough time to play all the roles during 'normal business hours'). They know you have a camera, they're relying on it to 'prove' all the various 'villagers' actually exist. There's 'Dick' driving past in his red van at 2:30am. ...or is it?

I agree, the cat's in on it. No way to get finger prints off the letter now it's covered in vomit. Phone 101 to report the letter. At least there will be an official record. Emailing the council to contact the PCSO (who all might be one person!!) is just too risky.

Also agree that a light with a motion sensor would be good around your doors, tipping site, etc. They are inexpensive, easy to install and could prove to be a good deterant. Don't trust the CCTV guy to do the installation though, if he's local he can't be trusted!

Are we all going round the pub again tonight? I say we bring OP's dog with us to be a 'threatening' presence to the letter writer who likely tried to sneak over Sunday and was greeted by said dog. Hopefully the look of fear will out the writer tonight!