Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

TheSassyAssassin I'm still pretending to be shit and can hardly do two. The stakes are rising, I'm £20 down. I'm playing the long game. Stewart the Sheep has just walked on with Martin the Carpenter. I'm having another glass of red, it's starting to taste better.

FlyBird if Juliet Bravo is kosher how come all calls are directed through Parish Council? I smell a rat. How about you put yourself inside a black bin bag outside on the verge, with a hole and a camera? Is that a bit too Bridge over the River Kwai?

As a passing note of interest my village has a shop, a pub (serves roast dinner not lunch), a school and two chiropodists!!! I live in bad foot country. There was a bakery but apparently no one needs bread anymore because they're all low carb.

I was a neighbourhood police officer in my town but paid for by the council (slightly different as fourth biggest city in Scotland). The area I worked in was given a grant from the council for regenerative purposes and the whole community to decide what to do with and one of the things was a dedicated cop. I was ring fenced to the area and patrolled the “scheme” all day (or night). It was a great job in a poverty ridden area where I met some wonderful people and made great friends (12 years ago) who I remain firm friends with.
Best job I e had in 22 years policing. Thursdays I went for my lunch to a man in his Late 80’s who used to feed me home made soup (the best ever scotch broth) and in return I used to bring his paper in for him and I suppose just keep him company for a while.

I'm a writer for The Archers. I'm going to steal this storyline wholesale

It's a lot better than any other storyline this week. Though I hope the missing village policewoman is better than Harrison, else it'll just be like the missing bunting all over again.

Er, as you all were...

Just to let you know - anyone called Julia is completely wonderful, so drag that creek and get her out.

Precisely the mentality that put me off ever living in a village again.

In a certain part of Northamptonshire anyway.

WTAF? I know I’m late to the party but that letter is horrible

SassyAssassin I'm £100 down on three fudged flips. Martin and Alan et all are all giving each other the side eyes but I'm playing them like a kipper. The wine's not bad really, when you get used to it. Could you make it to this Slaughtered Lamb? I think you could be the stool while I go in for the big money?

Twatty Tony has just walked in and slapped £1000 in the jar! The stakes are now considerably higher.

FlyBirdFly I think the Parish Council are in in it. Do they drink in The Slaughtered Lamb? Is it quiz night tonight? You could look at all their handwriting in the answer sheets.

High marks for photocopying the original, and Bonus Points for keeping it under the fruit bowl.

can you get more cctv? I feel this will provide us with the vision to solve this mystery.

I am envious of all your facilities in your fasinate....I live in a Scottish village, hairdressers, pub, and a mobile post office two HALF days a week. On a friday they have to share the church hall with the church chatter and craft group. They all try not to stare if you go in with a parcel.

The more I think about the letter, the more threatening it becomes. Seriously, if you can't speak to the Police Officer tomorrow, I would ring 101 and report the letter and maybe see if they can contact her. Suprised you have to go through the PC. We have a number for our neighbourhood PCSO but our parish clerk only works 4 hours per week so you'd have to wait to go through him.

BluebellsareBlue that sounds like a lovely job and what community policing should be about. I bet your soup man really loved his Thursdays and having you to share his soup with.

The stool Tatty? But if it's for the greater good....

tatty the pub quiz for handwriting samples is an excellent idea....you will need to have some sort of special individual challenge though, as otherwise you will only get the team leader writing....they do not like to share ime.

SassyAssassin stool pigeon 🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦🐦_
_
A decoy, you saunter in all 'I'm not from around these parts' and distract them with your different ways and I flip 50 mats and claim the £50k (it's gone up considerably). Then we legit with out winnings. Simples.

MrsHomeSlice I'm ahead of you on that. At the end of round three, probably geography or 'rivers of the works' there's a bonus question! Each and every person playing is handed an extra, lined, sheet of paper and a biro (to stop all the falling out of 'I don't have a pen/have you got a pen' debacle) and in 3 minutes they have to write a letter to Mr Donald Trump telling him (succinctly) what they think of him. The best answer wins £20 and a voucher for chips from the mobile chip van.

Oh I seeeeeeee! Right...get flipping Tatty ...am going in!

"asking / requesting... REMOVED / COLLECTED"

Am I the only one who finds this curious? Why would someone write like this?

And why state that you've taken a copy, as a PS, when you haven't even signed it or included your name!

Hmmm...

I think they be crazy.

I love this thread

It looks like a child wrote the letter

Can you find some idle teens to use the parking place overnight (the ones who drew the penis in the bus shelter will do) and get them to stake the place out? Lend them a van or something.
If I remember rightly, the HF teens were pretty useful.

Hang on... just a minute... did you say there's a new shop... it doesn't resemble a small supermarket does it?

Is there a local theatre/am dram group perchance?

@GreenProvence you've got me curious now, can I ask which Northamptonshire village this is? I've recently moved into one

SassyAssassin