Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

I'll lay good odds its the vice chair of the parish council

Garden bordering the road is a hedge, along the farm road it is a low brick cottage wall

Has your neighbour reported back from his Discussions with Dick as yet FlyBird?

I'm in the wrong pub!!!!

No bell towers. We do have a church but it’s a bit modern for the villagers liking. We have a village hall, post office, pub, carpet shop (bit random), Chinese, fish and chips and a doctors surgery. Also a premier type shop but no real villagers shop there

Look for a retired plumber. They can get very strange.

Do report the fly tipping to district council, if you don’t they can’t even log it as a problem. They should have a dedicated person for fly tipping

That sounds like a town to me. That’s loads. We only have the one shop/post office here.

Can you call 101 and log the letter. I’m concerned your village bobby isn’t a “real” police person, only policing the village for the parish council.

Or make up a reason to speak to the bobby, so the parish council don’t suspect.

They must be driving down the farm road and leaving it, or lobbing it over the hedge, the cctv needs to be pointed at the area where the rubbish is being dumped and I would buy a cheapo bin store to keep your rubbish in so they know it's not yours. The council will have a refuse collection section on their website, isn't it up to them to supply bins and collection.

No crusty jugglers around? Or living statues?!

Hang on ....
Can we rewind s bit?

How can a parish council pay for a Bobby? Does it work like that? We had a local PSCO in our village but they've long gone - can you just club together to buy a police officer? I don't think Juliet Bravo is a 'real' police officer. She's a puppet for the parish council. This gets weirder - the pub I'm in is a bit odd, a man called Alan keeps whispering to me and pointing at his shoes. That's not right is it? Not by any means. I think I'll have another glass of nasty wine and write in my notebook.

PigletJohn is bang on with the plumber theory. PigletJohn, where were you between midnight and 6am? Hmmmm.

sorry havent rtft but take measures to make you think?

what like a clockwork orange

Did you bring the extra large notebook Tatty? Alan hasn't been reading the eBay shoe fetish thread over your shoulder has he?

We pay the police for her I think. We had her all to ourselves then the village next door got in on the action and now we share her with them. Sometimes she’s in a little panda car and sometimes she’s in a big 4x4 police truck. She’s definitely real.

In fact if you google it I think you’ll find our village!

We can't introduce A Clockwork Orange! That would explode the whole village, if not the world.

This does sound like an interesting village. Ours is so dull. We don’t have a pcso or weekly bin collections.

Also the slaughtered lamb sounds like a smashing pub. Does it serve food, or pork scratchings only.....

Assassin my notebook has holes cut out for me to peep through but Alan is really fucking with me with his shoe pointing. I've starting pouting to the crows outside to mess with his stupid gesticulating. If I have another glass of awful wine though, it's anybody's guess where the night will end.
Can you just come and find me? I'm blocked in my Alan, Dave and a beer mat flipping challenge (what they don't know is that I learned at my father's knee how to flip beer mats. I won the title at 9 in The Rose and Crown, I'm going to hustle them and then BAM! Just like Steve McQueen). I literally can't leave. I'm in to win £840.

Don't worry FlyBird, googled and it turns out there's a fair few places where the local council funds a pcso etc...so you're anonymity remains intact...except...um...well we're all in The Slaughtered Lamb and there's a press helicopter overhead!

we have a village hall, post office, pub, carpet shop (bit random), Chinese, fish and chips and a doctors surgery. Also a premier type shop but no real villagers shop there

That there be a positive metropolis, that be.

We have a shop. That's it. She opens the shop if she feels like it. No pub, no takeaway, nothing. I truly live in the middle of nowhere.

Oooh...we'll def be well on the way to funding The Villagers laptop, printer and Billy-Jo's geee-tar with your winnings Tatty. Flip! Flip like your life depends on it!

In the village I lived in, we had a shop. The school mums used to shuffle in there to buy frozen pizza and oven chips for a community lunch round Jane’s, after a morning spent in Jane’s garden drinking instant coffee and smoking joints.

We did have a pub, but it was a local pub for local people and if the landlady didn’t know you, you didn’t get served. Opening times were flexible and she used to dry her knickers on the radiators in the lounge bar.

I know where you are op!
Well. Kinda. I'm in the same county don't actually know where you are!

Our village has: two shops, a post office, three takeaways, a bakery/deli, just the one pub (used to be 4)...and two undertakers. The most distant relatives are third cousins.

I love this thread