Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

DDs been watching too much Malcolm in the Middle and feels we need a family feud to really bring us together

The milkman is bothering me. He never comes that early. I’m planning on phoning the dairy tomorrow to ask if he’ll always be coming that early as it woke me up. They’ll either know he did or they’ll be surprised and I’ll move him up to chief suspect 1. PLUS the first time he delivered here he was VERY angry as he couldn’t find the house and ranted I should have added a description when I ordered the milk. So there is past evidence of angry man behaviour.

RVM....neighbour says no way is it him. He’s known him for years and is apparently a good bloke.

I’m veering towards an angry dog walker annoyed that the lane is being blighted by rubbish. Can’t remember if I mentioned early about the newspaper but there was one blown all up and down the lane last week (which I collected up) and I reckon they think it came from us. Much more likely it was thrown from a car driving down the lane. That has tipped them over the edge into angry letter writing.

Should also mention there is development at the top of the lane and someone posted two anonymous quotes to a tree nearby. But they weren’t angry they were about ruining nature and how sad to not appreciate what is around you. So not really the same MO as our guy.

@tatty that diagram isn’t far off 😳

Where were you between midnight and 6am?

This is my best shot at a diagram. CCTV points up the farm road towards the lane. So someone could come over my hedge into the garden from the lane and avoid CCTV

Corn field actually has peas (just for detail)

Previously people would park in horny teen parking and chuck rubbish onto the bonfire. Now they dump on the boundary of my garden and the road

FlyBirdFly I was home with DC in my sweet little cottage over the road house, in my weird village, fast asleep. My dog is my witness!

Ohh I live a thread like this did you find bobby in the end?

Love* stupid autocorrect

I'm a writer for The Archers. I'm going to steal this storyline wholesale and win thousands of radio baftas for it. The nation will be glued to their radios desperate to discover the conclusion of this mystery.

Anamals.

One for the classics I think

@TattyFrench I am in the Slaughtered Lamb blending in! Are we sticking to soft drinks or do we all fancy ?

I can't find you! Are we both in n the same pub?

No sign of local bobby. It was low tide a few hrs ago I think, if she’d been in the creek someone would’ve found her by now.

It will get round to her tomorrow I reckon, I shall expect a visit.

Pssst....in the corner...behind the wine bottles.....

Think you two are in the wrong pub! Is Billy-Jo there? He looks like this, ask him for a good table, I’ll be a few minutes

Is that what that cat screeching noise is? Maybe we should sell the cream teas to fundraise for a Villager laptop and a new guitar for poor Billy-Jo!

Having googled again for police officers phone number you can only reach her by phoning the parish council first who will pass a message on to you.

I’m starting to feel suspiciously inclined to think the parish council is up to something.

Any room on that bench?

I'm another one who was thinking it might be close to home, until I read weekly bin collections.

Hope Hyacinth trips over her own bucket.

Call 999 in an emergency or phone the parish council and ask them to leave a message for her

If they are behind it I’m guessing the message never gets through

I must be more of a wuss.... I'd be quite perturbed by this letter🙈 Go find the Bobby!

Hmmmm.... this is a conspiracy theorists dream! Parish councillors in cahoots with local police, milkman and Dick the dog walker! Methinks we will need a bigger notebook!

Can't you call 101 and get through that way?
It all seems a bit odd having a parish council controlled copper.. I'd want a proper copper on this case of tangled webs of small village lies, deceit.... Incorrect spellings and.... Murder.... Dun dun duuuunnn....

OP.

Highly important personal safety tips for you not least based on this last update regarding the slightly suspicious machinations of the PC vis-a-vis the Bobby:

1. Keep away from all bell towers
2. Keep away from any individuals sporting black hooded gowns
3. No going to any model villages or the florists
4. Watch out for the random swan

As I foretold earlier, all for the greater goood....

Is there a fence or wall around your garden. Where is your rubbish collected from.

Can't beat an Anonymous letter!

It is Beryl, who lives in the 1950s bungalow, on its own large plot at the edge of the village (just before you get to the council houses). Marjorie, who lives opposite you, told her not to do it, because it will cause more trouble than the row over the scout hut in 1970. And people are still not speaking to Beryl because of that.