Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

excited - exciting

The letter is a masterpiece of the English language!
(Not placemarking at all...)

"Having lived in London my entire life this is fascinating."

I think you meant vicinityating

I think we can rule out anyone under retirement age.
That letter was written by someone with too much time on their hands with a built up seething resentment.
I think they're male, women over 60 generally have a more cursive script.
He's (was) a manual worker or low grade clerical staff.
He will live in one of the smaller houses in your village and he'll probably have lived there forever. He won't be a DFLer.
He's not widely travelled.
He's probably the bane of the village but doesn't necessarily drink in the local pub.
Do you have allotments? He will be the person who keeps putting themselves forward to be 'Head of the Allotments' but no one ever votes for him.

I reckon, without coming to visit, that you can rule out 87% of your village. Now you need to make a list of who fits into the above categories. You might need a vent diagram.

I’m massively over invested in this now. I also got the “old guy, bad tempered with terrible spelling” vibe.

As an aside what camera system do you have on farm? We keep looking into it but our WiFi is terrible and then apathy takes over again. Disclaimer: not RVM looking for yet more work-arounds

Oh come on people! This is clearly more like an episode of Jonathan Creek, not midsomer murders. Remember the red van appeared out of NOWHERE!

Therefore, I believe it is the CCTV man. He changed the time on the CCTV so you haven't looked far enough back, if you do you'll see him posting the note. This also explains why you think the milkman turned up so early.

You might need a vent diagram

^ is that where you fill circles with lots of swear words?

Or venn! But vent might be better. A vent diagram.

I could do a very good vent diagram involving my arse neighbour in my village. Except we have wheelie bins. But also I don't want to de rail.

Also!!! You need a notebook! Why has no one mentioned that yet! You need a note book and a pencil that you lick. You'll find them easily using that method.

Cross (ha ha) post SassyAssassin 😁

I think we (all of Mumsnet) should head en masse to 'The Village'. Meet in the pub about 9? We'll have it cracked by dawn.

Now that sounds like a cunning plan Tatty

I'm impressed @ComeToTheCoast

Any sign of the Bobby yet? Need to send someone to dredge the pub creek!

I know it’s funny, all this fantasising , but writing threats in a letter is an offence. If you can’t find the local bobby please call 101. Honestly, this is real life not a tv show, and it can go bad very quickly. It did for me :(

Why, thank you Flavia.

This is simply thrilling!

Well this is fantastically intriguing OP. Thank you for bringing it to MN.

I also would put money on a lone wolf, he (I think man) is the only one in on it, with the possible exception of a long suffering wife.

Seriously impressive Coast

Family fued !?

Are you sure your daughter didn't write the note?

Just messing. Blatant place mark.

Cleaner, what happened?

I think you are right though there is a very threatening undertone to this letter, someone is very very angry and it might be silly to dismiss without letting the police know.

A 'vent' diagram.

TheSassyAssassin and the whole of Mumsnet, and FlyBirdFly, let's meet in The Slaughtered Lamb at 9pm.

Map (fictional) attached.

I LOVE that vent diagram!

Ha! The fasinate is brilliant. Isn't that what the ladies at Ascot wear?

Anyone want a Cornetto from the shop?