Oooo I received an anonymous letter this morning...from THE VILLAGERS 😬

[FlybirdFly]

Will post a pic later but need to redact info first.

An A4 page complaining about rubbish outside my house, that they’ve been picking it up for months, I have a responsibility to secure my rubbish and I have two weeks to get 2/3 wheelie bins or “measures will be taken”

It’s actually quite polite tbf if you ignore the subtle threat

Only problem is....it isn’t my fucking rubbish! We locked the gate to the field a few months ago and everyone now flytips outside the farm instead (by everyone I mean a few wankers) usually black bags that have missed the bin men/women. They use to chuck them on our farm bonfire but as the gate is locked they throw them on the bondary of my property. My rubbish is kept on my property until bin day.

Unfortunately they’ve missed all the signs saying we have CCTV so I’ll be having a look to see if I can see any pitchforks and angry villagers when I get back from the school run

Nooo! A live Hot Fuzz thread and I have to go out for several hours...

(my username really is a total coincidence)

DH wants us to move from our village on the edge of the countryside (but still close enough to normality for the rule of law to apply) to the country proper. Several acres of forest and outbuildings. I'm going to show him this thread to explain why this is A Very Bad Idea.

Either that or I'm going to apply for a shotgun licence and acquire several large dogs.

Sometimes our CCTV gets a bit jumpy on playback and misses a few seconds, I don't know the quality of your system but that may explain RVM suddenly appearing. Check the seconds jumping on playback

I have spoken to nearest neighbour and he is outraged and planning on moving his “tip” pile to the edge of his property in hopes of receiving a letter

Its him, he's acting too cool.

or its Onion

Im concerned you had 8% of battery left OP. You must be better prepared. You may need to take photos, or ring Dick.

Ooh this is interesting.
Is there a gossiper on your street?
If so I'd have a chat with her and give them the heads up the rubbish isn't yours.
That'll soon get back to the letter writer.

I reckon the Bobby wrote the letter after the few pints with the milkman and has now had to fake her own disappearance in order to avoid note-taking in your presence which would swiftly alert you to suspiciously similar handwriting.

This is an awesome mix of Midsomer Murders and Hot Fuzz. Someone call John Nettles and Simon Pegg.

I think uncle Quentin is the prime suspect.

Maybe the whole village is in on it. You're not on prime development land for a new garden centre or something are you?

It can't be Midsomer. They're complaining about rubbish being strewn about, not dead bodies being carelessly left all over the place.

Who do you want to play you in the miniseries OP?

don't get careless and send the Neighbour to Dick with The Actual Letter .....one of them is in on it and that letter will go missing, mark my words!

You need a cunning plan to elicit the handwriting of every villager. Preferably in a sample including spelling patterns. Creative writing competition, one with an amazing prize?

Ok, we need a timeline from when the letter appeared. Did the milkman deliver it?

Current suspects are milk man. I shall call him Mike the Milkman.

RVM

Clive

Julia Bravo the bobby

Duck

Do you have any Nissan Micra drivers in your village? If it's not one of them, they'll definitely be in on it. Look for manicured, sterile gardens, probably covered in concrete and a few geraniums in pots. That'll be the letter writer.

Woww things have progressed! The letter was harsher than I thought it was going to be! Ooo who is it!?!

Listen to MrsHoneSlice!! Photocopy the letter DO NOT HAND THE ORIGINAL OVER!!!

IT WILL HAVE FINGERPRINTS ON IT. Put it in a SEALED plastic bag and then copy it and then put it in the freezer!! To preserve the prints.

REPEAT: DO NOT HAND THE LETTER OVER!!!!!!!!!

Sorry MrsHoneSlice not honeslice

Ffs!!! HomeSlice

I photocopied the letter don’t worry! Original is safely locked away. Well it’s under the fruit bowl but that should do.

DD brought the letter to me this morning at 7.10am shouting “mummy....FAMILY FUED” up the stairs . She said it was half pushed through the letter box, no envelope

My moneys on Dick.

He's male, older and walks dogs (presumably) past your house And sees the rubbish frequently. I think he's having a look at the letter to throw you off the scent.

I think you should start the inaugural village FB page. Don't put this as your first post. Do something innocuous like 'bin collections' or 'dog mess not being picked up' people love that.

Then when some people have joined BAM! Post the letter and watch the sparks fly!

Having read your update my money is on the milkman OR someone wants you to think it's the milkman? Hmmmm.

Well done on photocopying it! Under the fruit bowl is good.

Your DD sounds great, maybe she could get a gang together, obviously with a dog, and then ride around the village on hikes, swigging ginger beer. They'll soon find the culprit.

Just as a matter of interest, why do you think that your DD said "family feud?". Do you have family in the village that you don't get on with? Or maybe it was just an expression that she used?

You see, Nigel would have used n everlope and waited for it to plop on the doormat, not shove it in and run away.

Anonymous letters
Poor spelling
Bobbies missing up the creek
Beings invisible to CCTV
Horny teens
Dick

This thread has it all

Any you were right to be suspicious of that onion one. She is surely casing your joint

I’m invested 🤑
The most excited neighbour related thing round here was when 3 recycling boxes disappeared (we have 5 as 5 flats in a two-house conversion). I was suspecting the communal cleaner, however it turned out the ground floor neighbour took them inside his flat for after the BBQ recycling and then put them back out.