Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

My gran ( from belfast) used to tell me if I looked scruffy that I looked like a Catholic. Dreadful.

My Catholic gran was distraught when my DF married my atheist DM and blamed her for turning him against the church. When she first saw little BabyLakie, she said "She's a plain little thing, but what can you expect, she's a heathen child".

She was smitten with 70's PM Edward Heath, a notorious misogynist and gay or asexual (depending on which biography you read). Whenever he appeared on tv, she would go all wistful and say "Such a handsome man. I just don't understand why he never married".

My favourite saying came from my great-gran, who I never met. She moved from Somerset to Herts to be with GGF, and always found it a bitter disappointment. Any time GGF annoyed her, she would say, with a sigh, "And to think I left Shepton Mallet for this."

This saying is now in its 4th generation: repeated by my GPs, my DParents and now by DP and I.

And imagine my disappointment when I visited Shepton Mallet for the first and last time, and discovered it was not some romantic, exciting, spectacular place (in my head I think I was expecting England's answer to Versailles) but a perfectly ordinary and rather dull English market town.

My MIL (so the DCs granny) swears blind she saw the Pyramids when she visited Lourdes in the south of France.

Did she mean the Pyrenees, by any chance?

My nan referred to me as a "woman of the world" - is this old fashioned for slag? 😂 (I'm not a slag by the way, my mum choked laughing when my nan said this)

I held a 50th wedding anniversary party for my nana and grandad - both sadly passed away now, we asked her to make a speech and she stood up and announced " I only married him cos he was going to war ! It was more respectable to be a widow that a spinster back then !! And blow me the bastard came home !!!!!!" It was at that point I hid the gin

and to think I left Shepton Mallet for this . Can quite understand why it's gone down in your family lore.

If my brother or me ever said 'It's not fair!" (which was a fair amount..she was pretty strict) she'd reply, 'Well nor is a black man's bum so shut up''.
She lived to 95 and outlived her husband by over 30 years. In all that time, her favourite saying was 'Just put me against a wall and shoot me'. Or,, 'I'm not going to be here this time next year'. I heard this for over 3 decades. She'd give her knick knacks away as she 'knew' she wouldn't be here ...so we all got 30 yrs or more of ornaments .
The classic was her disgust at hearing a band on breakfast tv. ''I've never heard the like.. wailing and shouting, if this is what they call modern music, I don't want it.. I've never heard such a Godawful racket'...she went on and on, me wracking my brains.. who would be on breakfast tv... surely not Iron Maiden or the like??? She remembered...it was Wet Wet Wet singing Love Is All Around!

Irish granny to my mum smoking, "the devil take it out of your mouth".

Little pickers wear big knickers. After I went to the fridge for a yoghurt.
It’s hard to tell if you are still pretty with all that fat round your face. 😂
Thanks nan.

My gran had nine children, all by C-section. They had no money and lived in a tiny house. She's still around, aged 87. I was finding two children hard going so I asked her how she managed with 9 and she said 'the first half dozen are the worst'

She also knows everything about everybody who lives with in a five mile radius of her and tells me all of it in great detail. She should really have been a spy.

Oh and she loves crime novels, the gorier the better.

My nan complaining when she was in hospital that they'd put her in an old people's ward. She was 83 at the time.

My gran would always “whisper” loudly at plays/during concerts her opinion about certain people on the stage - “he’s not a very good actor, is he?!” Or “that pianist has a very strange hair cut!” 😳 I used to die of embarrassment as a child!

@Babybearsporij was your grand from the north east? They are all sayings that I grew up with.

Mine never let me wash my hair if I had a period and also used to tell me off for smoking in the street.

But my all time favorite was 'flavored condoms? Why? It's not like you have got tastebuds down there.'

Not my gran, but my mum, who would have been 100 this year. I sat down on the hearth rug as a child to read my comic and sat with my back to the open fire. She said: "Never sit with your back to the fire - it will melt the marrow in your spine"

And if anything was really dark coloured: "It was as black as the Earl of Hell's waistcoat."

Warning me of how men will say/promise anything to get you to go to bed with them "When the balls are full, the head is empty."

She's not so green as she's cabbage looking.

Our is looking well, mind you last time I saw her/him they looked like a dogs breakfast.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Least said soonest mended.

Sugar gives ye worms. (Usually followed with a wink and a chocolate bar)

My octogenarian grandmother in hospital after a stroke, arguing with the young consultant as to when she should be allowed home.

“If I put both my legs behind my head, would I be allowed home then?”

The poor man didn’t know where to look as she did exactly that, demonstrating the results of daily yoga for most of her life.

She did get to go home soon after that

My nan explaining who I'd got my looks from when I was about 7: Well, you've got our Fred's nose and Ada's flat arse (Ada was my other nan).

"He's as foul as 40 arseholes!"

About anyone who loved themselves or was a cheat.

Ladies who were 'decent' were always described as 'clean'

My grandma told me to drink champagne when you are down, it cheers you up. The day she dies I toasted her with champagne.

My Nan asked me if I shaved my legs and when I said I did she replied 'Never had all that in my day!'

Love these - I might even put "When the balls are full, the head is empty" on a cross stitch
I've only really had my dad's mum as a nana, no others as they died before I could meet them. One Sunday dinner we were all sat round the table, and out of the blue she turned to me and asked if I wanted to be cremated

My nan about my ex husband who was a womaniser:

He'd shag a hole in the barbers floor if it had hair around it

Ooh, notsure has reminded me of my friend's grandfather at their 50th wedding anniversary party.

He climbed on stage with the band, and said that he was a man of few words, but wanted to sing a song for his beautiful wife of 50 years. Awww. And he broke into:

"Pleeeease release me... let me goooo..."

He thought it was hilarious. His wife did not!

Spitting blue winkles- very very angry
and
'you would laugh to see a pudden crawl'

a short legged woman was described thus;
she has duck's disease
if she jumped orf the kerb she'd 'it her arse on it

My gran used to watch the Tena Lady advert (which is filled with smiling ladies who supposedly wear pads for bladder leakage) and say "I don't know what they're so happy about - they're pissing themselves".