Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

My other gran would always say 'put your rubbers on' (wellies) when we went for a walk . Once I got a bit older and knew the other meaning of rubbers, I found this hysterically funny. Also 'put your feet on' or 'your woolies' (all knitwear).
There was someone in the family whom my Nan really disliked , 'she's got no 'air, Alltoo! No 'air! Looks like baby bird'!

I’m sure mine can’t have been the only one to threaten, “I’ll have your guts for garters” when she wanted us unruly GCs to behave. I was a rather literal thinker and it used to make me shudder!

My maternal grandmother could have written the screenplay for “The Crown”, when I watched it I realised I knew most of the storylines thanks to her!

While they were still alive my Dh and I had a who's-gran-is-the-most-jingoistic competition. My gran was wining for a while with her opinion that all teenage mums should be made to have abortions then forcibly sterilised. The DH's gran, who was a lovely old dear in Belfast and a knee jerk unionist, was admitted to hospital and within hours knew whether every other patient on the ward was protestant or catholic. Except she wouldn't say the word catholic out loud, she insisted on calling them fenians - out loud. DH's gran was still winning when his cousin got engaged to a catholic girl. 'It'll have to be a quiet wedding' she announced 'as it's a mixed marriage'. We told this story to my gran who roared in laughter, saying 'it's not as if it's a darkie or anything.' My gran extended her lead when the neighbours moved out and she proudly showed her broad minded modern credentials by saying anyone could move in, she didn't mind, 'darkies or chinkies or anyone' DH's gran finally won whne her friend who took her to church was late picking her up and told her how she was nearly run off the road by young hoodlums driving to fast. 'They must've been on their way to chapel' said her friend. 'Nonsense' said DH's gran, 'sure they could've been on their way to play hurley or anything' - because of course they had to be catholic!

My gran, to anyone with messy hair - 'you look like the wild man of Borneo'

never trust a man who wears white shoes".

My Nan used to say that.

Also, "look at that, like church hall hat pegs them" when nipples could be seen.

My grandpa used to drive a Ford Anglia which made a roaring noise as he drove off. My granny used to say that it was because he drove like Stirling Moses!

Recognise a few:

“Pink to make the boys wink “

I was also nagged to take off jackets etc indoors or I “wouldn’t get the benefit” upon exiting!

My Nan, “I cried because I had no shoes, then I saw a man with no feet”

My my mother sometimes mangled certain words. Ad-mir-al-itty instead of admiralty; tara-macadam for tar macadam, and cement semixer. My 91 year old MIL said she was having a new fangled veg with her dinner - "they're called manjy towt'. Her son said it's pronounced 'mange tout' mum. 'Nonsense! It clearly says 'manjy towt' (the manjy to rhyme with man')

When referring to overlooked meat "och it's as dry as old harry" (also used when she was thirsty and wanted a cup of tea!)

Darn it overCOOKED

@cheapskatemum did your nan work for the royals, or was she connected in some other way? Intriguing!

Gosh no, @decbug, the Queen Mother was her heroine though and she must have read every bit of royal —gossip— news in the magazines & newspapers, then drawn her own conclusions eg about Princess Margaret

Oh god.. reminds me of my Mum and both Grabdmas who have all left us now. All Yorkshire women though and through

Re nipples “ sticking out like chapel at pegs “ ( at = hat)
“ She’s no better than she ought to be “ ( when someone is stuck up)
“Telll the truth and shame the devil”

Mum told me my spots would go once “ you’ve been with a man” I was 13 and knew this was highly dodgy advice!

Grandma admiring clothes “ Them’ s Marks’s they are!”

"All fur coat and no knickers" meant stuck up (Dad's Mum)

@cheapskatemum
My Granny used fur coat no knickers but it meant someone with false airs and graces, something like looks nice on the outside, posh and done up but no knickers underneath!!

Yeah, it was probably that. I was only 10 when she died, so probably didn't understand the full meaning!

I wish I could remember more of her sayings, she was a right hoot.

Not long before her expected death in her late nineties, she said cheerfully "I'm looking forward to meeting the good Lord, but I wish he would hurry up a bit".

My Nan, aged well into her 80s, recounting her visit to get her hair done: "Me and this other girl was sitiing in the hairdressers and she said..."

If someone was getting above themselves (in my gran's opinion)

"Look at her, she thinks she's Erchie, an her only Erchie's dog"

My nanna, when presented with something us grandkids had made or drawn, used to sigh and say 'That's as rare as rocking horse shit, that is!'

@TheMonkeyMummy - no, Midlands. (Sorry, only just seen your comment!!)

Just remembered another one & it mentions bairns (Yorkshire on both sides of family)

Fools & bairns should not see things half done.

Not my grandma but my granda says I have housemaid's knees!

And now the only acceptable answer to 'what's for tea?' is 'shit with sugar on' because my great-nana wouldn't answer any other way.