Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

Turned up nose- she 'as a pig's snout. If she went out in the rain, she'd drown.
Straining the greens- going for a wee

My Nan walked up to the hearing loop desk at the theatre and asked for one because, in her words, 'I've got aids, you see'

Still makes me laugh the this day.

My mums friends were chatting to my Nan, mum said Nan liked to bet on horse races. One of the women said, a bit patronisingly, to my Nan "How do you choose the horses, do you go by the names you like?" to which my Nan replied "No, I study the form."

Nan used to make lots of money from Ladbrokes, sometimes she'd forget to pick up her pension because she was living off her winnings!

On talking about her ex boyfriends prior to dear grandfather- ‘Ooooh, he was GORGEOUS Darling, GORGEOUS!’
She was probably a bit of a ‘goer’ in her day!
Think of an 80 year old Edina and that’s pretty accurate!
I adored her, and like to think there’s more than a little bit of me in her

Oh and another one, on discussing childbirth when I was pg with ds1...
‘Well, it smarts a bit... but after 7 days in the nursing home I had had my hair done and looked as fresh as a daisy .... I think your GF had grand ideas for me when I got home.., I soon put him in his place ‘ 😂😂😂

calling being on your period 'being unwell' with an accompanying look

telling me I looked like 'street walker' because I had tinted my hair red.

'I can understand the gays if they are men because men cant help themselves can they? But there would have to be something gone very wrong with a woman to do that.'

when as a child I asked why my cousin was black when his parents were white (he was adopted) 'well it sometimes skips a generation'

My Granny when she had dementia had just walked downstairs and said there was a 'little black furry monkey' on the stairs and that it tried to trip her up! (Our black cat used to lie across the stairs and pat people's legs!).

Another time she referred to our kittens as 'Little flower girls'.

Look at her nipples, you could hang your coat and hat on them (anyone either braless or with a thin bra on)
Put the wood in the hole (close the door)
Hat like a traffic warden ( always critical of other ladies hats)
More muck on her than a whore on a dung heap (rather too much make up)
Gonna wear my harlot lipstick today, I feel like taking a chance

My grans answer to any ailment, pain or illness - "just have a wee shite".

Walking around Tesco and she stops a young boy stacking shelf - "here son, do ye's have any of that CLITbang? Looks great for in the shower". The poor boy was about 16 and nearly died of embarrassment. We dragged her away and told her it's Cilitbang. Then had to explain what a clit was because she couldn't understand why we were pissing ourselves laughing.

She thought "wanker" was a term of endearment. Also had to explain that one when she called ds it while giving him a hug.

Came to visit in hospital when I had dd (my 4th). "Can you just keep your knees together now, hen? I'm getting too old for this, they're making me grey".

She's an absolute gem.

Lancashire grandma

Not bad looking for a paki
Don't go out with a butcher, they're randy from handling all that meat
What's for tea? Jump up kitchen door and bite off t'latch

My grandma was a terrible flirt, when she was 70 she'd flirt with waiters in their 20's

I lived with her for a bit "Ee yer never gan oot like that ar Proustian" I was wearing a jumpsuit, hardly immodest but it gave her the vapours nonetheless.
When I told her she needed a frou frou pill she'd hiss at me like an old snake and laugh like a drain.

She did all my washing, bless her lovely face, including my underwear. I'm washing my hair and hear "Haddaway man!" And her saying a Hail Mary over my thongs

She once referred to Petits pois at "petits tushy or whatever you call those things". I nearly died.

Good God I miss her so much.

Nominated this thread for classics, it’s made me all nostalgic for my granny!

My elderly aunt, who would have loved to be a granny....referring to my butch sister..."is she one of those transMENderers?

She also told me the other day that she didnt give a fuck about something or other....she's terribly posh usually, I nearly fell off my chair. SHe is 86.

Great thread. After I didn’t do as well in exams as I should have at uni she said “you’re like me, don’t sit on your arse long enough to get good at anything, someone needs to earn the money and get the tea on”

Words that get me through when I’m feeling bad about my efforts as a mother.

My granny (born 1890s) once told me about a young man she'd been courting - however he'd had to go, because, 'He tried to get his hand down my placket fastener!'

Re 'getting into trouble' she used to say, 'It only takes a minute!' However she also once said, '...but sex is a beautiful thing.'

Unlike an elderly friend of my student landlady in the 60s, who told me she'd never get married again, because, 'I never did take to the upstairs work.'

Stringandglitter/ Baubletrouble - my dad's mum was very straitlaced, couldn't imagine her having a "naughty" bone anywhere - but when we used to go up to my paternal grandparents' house to stay, I would be put in my Dad's old bedroom. It still had a bookcase in it but I don't think any of the books belonged to him (A lot of Friendship Books by Francis Gay, for e.g.) - and the full Angélique trilogy.
Angélique was one up from Mills&Boon - still very raunchy but with a side offering of murder and poisoning in the Middle Ages.
Must have been Grandma's because DEFO not Dad''s - bit of an eye-opener!!

My nan in law when I was bfing dd1 'that child's always at the dairy '

Thirty that's so much better than 'modern' phrases like 'boobing /on the boob'!

My grandma used to say "You're looking well" every time she saw me. I smiled and was quite flattered until I realised this was code for "You're looking even fatter than you did last time I saw you"...

God rest her soul my Nan used to come and look after us when one of the parents went on holiday (business meant separate hols).
Ironing one day
Nan- whose pants are these (briefs)
Me - DB's Nan
Nan - where does he put his testicles?
Nan- so whose are these
Me - Mum's
Nan- Hmmph not enough to cover your fanny.

So many more she was hilarious. Women were judged on the cleanliness of their nets.
" Hmmph well she is no mrs clean curtains"

Not a grandma, but an auntie of same generation.

Upon hearing of anyone who was shagging around..."[derogatory sniff] MONKEY GLANDS."

"The sights you see when you havnae got a gun"

-my Scottish gran when she saw someone (usually me as a teen ) dressed in something unconventional

Hi everyone,

This thread has had a few nominations for classics, so we're moving it there now.

My late DM, who died just shy of her 90th birthday after several years in a nursing home, had to be moved out of the day room on Sunday mornings (where a visiting minister would hold a service) because of her language.
When expressing mild surprise at something, her usual response was "Well, bugger me drunk!"
Not sure she really got what it meant....
And a friend told me only recently that on our wedding day, 40 years ago he told DM what a lovely occasion it was. She replied "Well, it makes a change, I suppose."

My Nan lived in London and really struggled with all the changes that happened around her, especially when the area she lived in, especially (sorry!) the fact that a lot of black families had moved in. I said well that's fine Nan - No it isn't, she said, you don't understand, they are black ALL OVER (with knowing nod)! I was tempted to ask her how she knew!

"keep your hand on your ha'penny" - as above - that was one of her favourites too.

If she was a bit wobbly walking she would say "I've got a bone in my leg!" - never understood that one.

She came from Devon originally and kept her accent. She would say, when cooking a meal of leftovers: I'm cooking up the oughts - what are they Nan? - Things that ouhgter 'ave been etten, but ent!