Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

My DS when he was small told her he wanted to do a wee, she replied "I have nae where for ye to go, ye'll have to suck it up and spit it oot!"

Not my gran, but my friend's

Friend lived with her DH, but at that time he was DP, and Granny didn't approve of this, but didn't say so in so many words, instead

"Ah winna come o'er the watter"

That was said because Granny wouldn't cross the bridge over the river to visit.

Also when friend and DP were staying with Granny after some family event, Granny put them at opposite ends of the house, saying,

"There'll be nae sin in MY hoose"

Used to crack me up

Not my granny but my dad's last remaining aunt, so DD's great-great-aunt, to DD:

Are you seeing anyone? Any boys you like? No? You are obviously a very sensible girl!

I remember when I was about 4 or 5 my grandma told me to only call her by her first name in public as she didn't want anyone knowing she was old. She was in her early 40's at the time. As I am now, and find myself using more and more of her sayings. Like 'going to hell in a handcart'. I remember her watching Jackass a few years back and when Johnny Knoxville received a missile to the groin she said 'oooh I'd kiss it better!' Also, after watching the love scene in The Holiday where Cameron Diaz exclaimed 'that was amazing' to Jude Law she pursed her 80+ year old lips and said 'if it was that good you wouldn't still have your bra on love'. Classic Nan.

My DH GM was from Aberdeen. Depending on which relative you ask, one of the last things she said to DH GF was "Ye're aye at the Erse-End ay a'thing!" ( You're always at the tail-end of everything).
I personally prefer the version: "Ye're aye at the Arse-hole ay a'thing!"
Also of note - her take on recent berievement: "Aye...that sudden death's a Sair Yin!"

Can't remember any fun things she ever came out with. Sadly she was too busy imagining people were slighting her. With drink it got worse. Cannot tell you the number of Christmas family photo's where she has a 'face' on her because of an imagined slight. Which was strange because she loved company and did get very lonely but it was my dad that did not want her living with us, not mum. Though she got the blame for dad not visiting that much.

"Honestly, the way people sneeze into their hand, then hold it out and expect you to shake it - it makes you want to keep your gloves on!" She was a devout Catholic, but she didn't like taking part in the sign of peace at church.

"I do not see what is so inspiring about... the human face!!!!" This would come out whenever the Radio Times had a cover with a wide-eyed or open-mouthed celebrity.

I also remember her saying to somebody else "You know when men walk into a shop, they see a gun hanging up, and they just can't resist it..."

My Irish granny had so many it’s hard to pick a favourite. Absolute classic has to be saying to my gay younger sister (who never had a boyfriend because, you know, she was gay) “you’ll never find a man at the bottom of a beer bottle” 😂😂 ahh I miss her

My 80+ grandma looking out at the bus queue (all younger than her) over the road: "I feel so sorry for all those old people in this weather".

The one I always remember because Mum, her daughter, used it too: "you've got to eat a peck of dirt before you die".

Not my GM but my DF. The next door neighbours used to make him soups and meals since he was a poor old soul living on his own. He accepted these 'gratefully'. But would say about the neighbour, 'Betty's a poor cook'. Old bugger.

My gran at the age of 75 - in the kitchen by herself one day

"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Cunt"

In unison from the other room

"Grandmother!!!"

From the kitchen

"I have ALWAYS wanted to do that. I feel so much better now and I will probably never do it again!"

We still laugh about that

Looking out the window..
"Look at Beryl in that old fashioned cardigan, anyone would think she was old, you won't catch me in old people's clothes"

Beryl was 80 and my granny was 86 at the time. She always looked amazing.

‘For a girl of your size you’ve got a lovely slim ankle’...cheers nanna.

‘Ohh I know you’re a vegetarian but you can have a little bit of ham!’

My cousin named her firstborn Adam and our gran said ' where did you come up with a newfangled name like that?'

'Good god a me!' (her go to exclamation of surprise)

'Put your bra on, you'll get ye death o pneumonia!' (If any woman wasn't wearing a bra).

DH's nan before we went off on holidays/trips - "don't fall down any dark holes".

Not my nan but dd1s nan on her dad's side , referring to having kids " you're desperate for them to walk and talk and when they do they never sit down or shut up "

Said to teenage me: " If you can't be good be careful, if you can't be careful, buy a pram."

My Dad's mum, my lovely Nana was watching the men's 100M sprint on Tv. "Ooh all that lycra, he's got a lively figure!!" My other Nan told me no one would ever marry me because I put a milk bottle on the table!

My Nan, who very reluctantly looked after us after raising 11 kids of her own,

“I’ll tan your arse so hard, your ears will still be stinging next Tuesday”.

It was always Tuesday, no matter what day the threat was issued. One day, must have been a Monday, My Brother said, “Is that tomorrow or the Tuesday after?” She wacked him with the mop.

My mother disappeared from the living room once when granny was visiting and went outside (hot flush).
When she came back granny said ‘what’s wrong with you”?
Mum replied “menopause”
Granny sniffed “I was far to busy to get one of those”

vdbfamily I loved your Gran's comment

Every Sunday morning I'd visit my Grandma for an hour. And every Sunday she'd say "mind how you cross the horse road" when I left.

When I first went to Italy for a year to learn the language and went to say goodbye to her it was "I don't know why you want to go to that Italy place for, Shades. Your mum's made you a lovely home!"

I loved my Grandma

Two I can think of ~ "the more you cry the less you'll piddle" and "wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which gets filled the quickest". In spite of the toilet obsession she was lovely and loving, and gave a home to my mum and me when my father turned violent. I wish I had been more grateful when she was alive. For the home, not the sayings!

"Hurry back" when we'd be leaving to go home.

"wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which gets filled the quickest"

That's priceless! Crude, but priceless.