Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

My gran, looking at me in trainers in the shoe shop: "if you made her wear them, she wouldny want to" (fair play to her though, she did persuade my mum to let me get them. The woman didn't raise 9 kids without learning which battles to pick)
and, watching the weather: "it's no wonder we never get any decent weather up here with the English getting all that sunshine"

Oh yeah, and "aye if we knew what was ahead of us, the canal would be full"

"if God had meant for you to wear earrings you would have been born with holes in your ears"
But dgm if he meant us to wear clothes we should have been born wearing some then!!

When I went to work for a Japanese company. "they won't be friends with you, cos they are all thin"

When I said I was gonna ring a guy I liked, rather than wait for him to call me.
"Don't make a nuisance of yourself."

Mine told me to live with someone before I married him because "You don't buy clothes until you're tried them on, do you dear? - And don't ever tell your mother I told you this, please!!!" (She was my father's mother and she was awesome)

My friend's cockney grandma, when asked if she was seeing anyone:

"courtin'? COURTIN'?? What would I want one of them ruddy things 'angin' around me 'ouse for????"

Hormones eh...... Didn't have them back in my day !!

My grandfather when I was about 17 and had just had my hair cut off (to be strictly accurate, I'd gone on a girls' holiday, got v drunk on day 1 and had it cut off, from shoulder blade length to above the ears - that was quite the awakening the next day!):

"By 'eck, that lad looks like our WittyJack"

He wasn't trying to be funny. He honestly thought I was a young man.

Someone else’s grandma upon me telling her my seven year old has a condition causing recurrent abscesses “well, she’ll never be able to marry then!” 😱😱😱

Watching the fake oral sex porn scene on Love Actually

"I don't know how anyone could do that, its disgusting"

Looking at pic of all of her gdc - 'we're so lucky aren't we John? Seven grandchildren...and not one of them is funny-looking!'

When I was about 11/12 and just gone to a proper shop to get measured for my first bra - my mum was telling gran of how much it cost and how expensive it was. My gran said "why don't you knit her one". Sure that would have provided lots of support - and not made me an object of ridicule in a 70s comp

My nan was like an Italian mob boss she was amazing
She loved watching the boxing and got quite vocal

The best was saying "I'll box your ears in"

Last time I remember her saying that she was 83 in bed with a broken hip and trying to get up and get exdh who she had just found out had cheated on me.

The funniest thing she ever said was only a couple of weeks before she died. She had misheard what the Dr had said and replied with "sex! I've been a widow 30 years where do you think Ide be getting that from"

She also used to pronounce garden as gardin and I've started to say that now too.

I miss her so much she is the only person in my entire family who loved me for who I was.

It's the 5th anniversary of my grans death today so I've been thinking lots of these today:

'Remember the roads' which was to tell me not to get run over

G: I don't understand how you can eat cheese but not like cauliflower
Me: I don't understand how you can eat cauliflower but not like cheese
G: cheeky bugger

Never chase after a boy or a bus. There’ll be another one along in 15 minutes.

My dear departed nan used to come out with:

Arbortorium for arboretum
That'll learn ya - that'll teach you
Pack it in the pair on ya - telling DBro and I to stop doing something

Why did you have to be born with a brain in you, could have done with a hairdresser in the family

My gran is a lovely lady, just erm, that teeny bit racist that comes with old age

Our rabbits went missing from the garden. Mum said that they must have escaped, and they were living a lovely life in the wild eaten by a fox. But no. My gran marches round to the Polish family who live behind us and accuses them of breaking into the garden and stealing the rabbits to eat.

They thankfully took it in good humour.

She's also adamant that every good recipient is just three ingredients. I asked her the other day, "what about fried eggs?"

Her response;

"Egg, oil ... and PAN."

"this vegetarianism you're involved with-- does that mean not eating turkey?" (about a month before Christmas dinner)

You can't hide a light with the dark.

Friend’s Grannie, said to her as we were all sat in the sitting room “Eeh! Michelle! You’ve legs like two great ‘ams!”
My grandma used to regularly mutter “Eeh! It sickens me!” as my brother and I opened our presents on Christmas Day. She also memorably broke the tense silence following my fraught mother dropping the Christmas pudding on the way to the table with the words “Eeh! I wish I’d stayed in Whitley Bay!”

Grandma’s presence alsways added an edge of danger to our already tense Christmasses.

My nan used to say "keep your hand on your ha'penny" and then "but if you can't be good, be careful"

She also said "don't ever tell a man you love him before he tells you, keep him guessing"

She was fab.

Dh’s mother, sadly long dead, used to say: “You could ride bare-arsed to London on that knife!” I love it so much I’ve adopted it.

A great aunt: 'sometimes I wish I was young again. But no... glad I've got it over and done with '.

‘She’s got legs right up to her bum!’ I think she meant armpits, my mothers family are all 5’ and my brother is over 6’ and I am 5’9” with long legs.