Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

I used to be a SW with elderly folk and just loved one of the ladies, whom I had helped to find a place in a residential home - she was such a character.

She persuaded the owner to let her have a parrot, and at my next visit delighted in showing me how she had taught it to say "Bugger off Bert!" - Bert was her former husband.

She used to fix her catheter bag to her thigh with a very sexy garter and delight in flashing it about.

One day in the sitting room on a hot summer's day, with lots of people sitting about, a young curate from the nearby monastery came in, having cycled there in shorts. He was a bit of a dish, and in a loud whisper audible to everyone she asked me if he was a priest; when I said yes she announced loudly: "What a fucking waste!"

I miss that lady.

Your friend is your pocket is another one I just thought of.
My other Gran was very superstitious and if she had an itchy hand she would send me for a lotto ticket and enviably she always won something.

Upon seeing pregnant women....”Look at that woman advertising the fact that she has had sex, disgusting! “ There are no words. At least she only lived for 2 of my pregnancies.

My one Nana.... Ooh you have a lovely pair of walking legs there .

My grandad was very set in his ways. Myself and ex stayed over one night so we offered to get them a take away for dinner. So I suggested Chinese food. This did not go down well at all. He said to me... 'Chinese?? I've never eaten Chinese once in all my days. Do you know why? Do I look Chinese.? No, I don't, so fish and chips will do nicely'

My other Nan never went anywhere without taking along a flask of tea and a corned beef sandwich. Even if they were going to town. She refused to pay the price of a cup of tea 'up town'. After she passed away my mum and I cleared out her house, found more than 20 tins of corned beef in the cupboard.

''Do I look Chinese'?''

My Granda used to say about someone cross eyed, when they cry the tears go down their back!

To another lady in the village:
'You're looking good for your age, Joan. Mind, the wrinkles don't show so much when you're fat, do they?'

Great thread! I can't really tell you some of the things my gran has said as they are rather racist!

Have loved reading these and feel really nostalgic for my Nana!
Can't help wondering if a lot of their classics were due to the era they grew up in (wartime / 60s) when things were not the same as today. And if we as grannies will have our own pearls of wisdom to impart !

Also I've adopted DHs grandma as my own since mine died and we write to one another fairly regularly. I love her dearly. She's the opposite social class to my own nana - grew up posh in an artists commune and lived in India when it was British ruled etc. So her advise and sayings are a different spectrum but what I love is that she's equally as tactless and un afraid to speak her mind as my nana
Some examples are looking through photos with her "my dear you were terribly fat there" (was 8 months pregnant 😂)
She recently had written me two letters and references my DH father (her son) new partner as "plump". It cracks me up every time !
She has also always been one that thinks if she whispers the derogatory comment it's ok for example "she's a lovely girl shame about the (whispered) rather large chin"
I hope I haven't made her sound awful as she's really eccentric and wonderful so perhaps her great age and experience makes us more tolerant ! She has also had a terribly exciting life and I just wish that someone had taken her memoirs. You'll be talking about something and she'll say things like "well it was the same with my father when he fought with Lawrence of Arabia "?!!'n

Goodness I keep thinking of more! I also meant to say how many things my nana said to these posts ! Are all your Nans from Yorkshire mining towns ?!!!!

She was always obsessed with catching a chill we had our neck or chest exposed !!

She used to describe men of a certain ilk as "lounge lizards" and I still love this saying

My amazing Nan passed away aged 90 last year. Still miss her every day. Too many memories to pick one, but she did call all babies 'maggots arse.' Pronounced 'maggits'. Presumably something to do with wriggling? She was a legend.

We used to stop at my Nan's most weekends. My eldest sister wasn't a morning person, to which my Nan would say "she's got up with the skin of her arse on her forehead again"

Love this thread.

"Don't pull faces, when the wind changes you'll stay like that"

Shortly after my birth "She's got his jib" referring to my absent father.

At church about the little room where the altar boys got changed "God lives in that room" - I was terrified to walk past it.

Racist/non-pc ones:

At church - where a group of travellers attended "Don't stand near the Tinkers they'll whip you away" 🤦🏻‍♀️

"I'm not having any coffee-coloured great grandchildren" 🤦🏻‍♀️

"She's a Jew but she's lovely^^ though" 🤦🏻‍♀️.

She also called me Fanny Adams, which is quite disturbing when you read about her.

"never trust a man who wears white shoes".

My nana used to put olive oil on our skin instead of sun screen!!!!! I'm not repeating the racist things her and my grandad said. It's too much.

My late dgm was hilarious!

She was German and had lived here for 60 years but still spoke with her accent..

When her dd had a baby called Cameron-
"That's bloody cruel that, calling your baby after an African country"

When on a day trip with her dd and son in law she saw a sign on the motorway saying •NARROW LANES• and then said "ooh lovely, is that where we're going? Sounds so nice"

About my friend, in front of my friend-
"Tracy you're a lovely girl but you do look like a greyhound" we still piss ourselves laughing over that one

"Your father is a beast" this was a long running family joke, she never got on with my dad as they clashed and she always said this to me when I was a child

The best one for me was when we were in the car one day and my brother was 12 at the time started laughing at something and she turned around and said to him " what are you laughing at? Asshole"

God I miss her

@GissASquizz
but she did call all babies 'maggots arse.' Pronounced 'maggits'.

Not my gran, but someone else's...describing her GS's girlfriend who was staying over. Said that she looked lovely with her make-up on, but without the make-up, first thing in the morning "she do look like a maggot".

Describing someone else "she couldn't stop a pig in a passage".

My amazing late DGM told me I was very unlucky to be 'caught' again, when I told her I was pregnant with number three. She added, 'I was unlucky too and got caught very quickly, it turned out to be your mother'! (who she adored)

My Nan is the best! She's in her late 90's and still lives by herself at home but goes to a day centre 3 times a week,

"Why on earth would I want to go in there, its full of bloody old people!"

It is also not a Christmas until Nan has said something inappropriate over the dinner table,

"Eh, you're luck with all those presents, I couldn't even get a decent par of stocking in the war without servicing a Navvy for em!"

And me, 30 weeks pregnant, we poking me in the bump with her walking stick,

"Come on, I'm nearly 100 I'm not sticking around for many more weeks waiting for you to come into the world!"

My nan now has advanced dementia and is 94. Before she got poorly she insisted on telling us about how she met Gdad:

"well he wasn't much of a dancer but he liked tight trousers and brill creme. Good enough." They were married 65 years before he died!

'Pink to make the boys wink' is one my 96 year old gran comes out with. Think there was also a 'try before you buy' when my cousin (30) moved in with her boyfriend. Definitely meant in a good way and not judging. She also calls everyone 'dear'.

I'm so glad this is in classics - cheers HQ!

I had tears earlier both from missing my cheeky chops Granny and from laughing so much [GRIN]

the Irish currency at the time; the Cunt

Classic auto correct fail

It's sad to think that once that generation goes all that humour goes too. I don't think our generation are half as funny, just different times.