Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

Irish granny

He couldn’t see green cheese or he’d want to shite (he was quite jealous)

The dog’s as Happy as a goat a hangin (the dog’s content)

She was like a hoore at a hockey match ( that girl was overly made up)

She was beef to the heels like a mulingar heifer ( she was somewhat thick set)

DGM said “It’s better to be an old mans darling than a young mans slave” when a family member married a man 20 years her senior.

chuckling at the idea of a knitted bra.......

In Luton they steal your handbag!

Said to the paramedic trying to convince her that Luton and Dunstable hospital was the best place to go for a broken hip, and not the little cottage hospital in Harpenden.

My gma always used to say ‘I don’t have a favourite grandchild, but if I did it would be Laura.’

“You could ride bare-arsed to London on that knife!”

I don't get what that means LightDrizzle, could you explain it please? Thanks.

Mine is 87 and amazing. I mentioned I was having problems with someone at work who was being a knob. She said "do you want your nanna to come and sort him out?". I'm 39 and married...

You’re nearly as fat as her now!
Why did you do that to your hair?
Never buy cheap shoes or a cheap bed- if your not in one your in the other.
Men these days....... a button hole in a fur coat was plenty excitement enough, why all this naked girls in the paper stuff

Oh and the fact she calls cupboards glory holes, so embarrassing showing her around the first flat I bought with DP. Oh that’s a lovely big glory hole you’ll fit loads in........

I'm guessing it means the knife is blunt - i.e. You could sit on it with a bare arse all the way to London and not notice/get a sore arse from it??!

Amy - my dad does that too 🙈

And it's not as if he doesn't know. He knows (my brother has explained it!).

“God you’re awful fat got” er, thanks Nana!

The bare arsed to London thing means the knife is blunt.
My gran always says 'the sun is over the yard arm somewhere' meaning she can have an alcoholic drink whenever she wants!

" the fellas will promise you the stars just to get your knickers off" to a 13 year old me!

Turns out she was right!!

My nan had a real turn of phrase and could be a bit like Mrs Malaprop, getting things just slightly wrong. Years ago we were all at hers and she was watching Rod Stewart on the telly.

Nan : ooh, it's that Rod Stewart, he's a sexy bugger you know.

Then, in very hushed and confidential tones "of course, you know he's bifocal don't you"

After a minute we realised she meant bi-sexual. Cue stifled sniggers and a stampede out to the garden to have a laugh...

''You'll never get a boyfriend unless you wear a padded bra.''

"Want to go dogging" she meant take the dogs out 😂😂

And another.........
Asking the girl behind the counter in a cafe why she never got a free weefee (WiFi) with her tea....... There’s a sign up saying free weefee don’t you know.

Oh we have glory holes here! the cupboard under the stairs kind.

why she never got a free weefee (WiFi) with her tea.

"Ohhhh thats worthless" after receiving a lovely gift from my aunt. She meant priceless 🤣

My MIL (so the DCs granny) swears blind she saw the Pyramids when she visited Lourdes in the south of France. She wasn't overly impressed and doesn't understand why people make special trips to see them.

Just after I was born, to my mum:
"She looks like a skinned rabbit, no way I'm ever babysitting that!"

Later, when I was a child, cutting up a Mars bar into six pieces, offering me one, and leaving the rest on the table: "You've had enough, I'll have those tomorrow!"

When my brother was getting divorced - my Nana told him she'd pay for a really good Bannister !!! I'm hoping she meant Barrister :)

Wetting myself.

Classics nomination is away.

My Granny

Yer arse and parsley (you're talking rubbish)
You're talkin like a wee delph doll with a clay arse (you're talking rubbish)
God forgive me (inhaling cake)
Slap it into ye (dealing with a hangover or falling off something and mortally injuring yourself after being told to stop it)

She was some woman.

My cousin sent me a text to say they'd had another baby and called her the same name as Dgran. I was like 'is the world ready for another one?"

Miss her so much. She's been dead for 30 odd years and her infectious laughter and crazy sense of humour and energy I see in DD. It's lovely :)