Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

She also said leggings made me look like a prostitute as I was 'wearing just your tights in public and all the men will see'

Friends granny talking about having 11 children "there were no central heating in them days. It were sex or shiver!"

My gran when I told her I was in a relationship a few years after getting divorced " oh love he's not going to leave you the last one did is he? "

My beloved Grandmother had some great sayings. My favourite - ‘the more you do , the more he’ll let you ‘ . I learnt that the hard way !

Not my gran, but her sister, so similar

"Let the children sit on the sofa. You should be the one to sit on the floor because you have the most padded posterior"

Cure for everything: wash your face, change your undies and run around the garden. Almost always worked!

My DD's exGmil said to her son: I brought you into the world and I can take you right back out of it.

My DM to DD about her then boyfriend: He must have a good personality because you're not with him for his looks.

My DGF described someone as having a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp (pronounced wazzp)

My poor old grandfather fell in the garden one day. My gran went out with a pillow and told him to put it under his head and if any of the neighbours ask tell them you are sunbathing (in October) while waiting on df to come and pick him up.

Another time my uncle phone her to say he had Chinese work colleagues travelling around and he told them to stop by their way. She told my grandfather with mobility issues if he seen any Chinese walking up the drive to hide behind the chair as she didn't want that chicken disease( it was around the time of the sars scare)

She came out with plenty of them and this thread is reminding me of her so much and making me laugh.

Jpclarke I'm crying here! Your poor grandfather! But so funny

To my vegetarian sister: "how do you expect to ever hold down a decent man if you can't cook him a proper fry up?!"

Some others ‘you can’t fatten a thoroughbred’, she was always slim. When my cousin was very overdue with her baby and was sitting eating a cornetto and then a sandwich ‘mibbe if you stop eating that baby will come out for a feed’. To the young asian girl in the corner shop ‘you’re awfy nice for a p*ki’ I was mortified ‘gran you can’t say that!’ Gran asked why as people call us Scots. The girl was fine and knew it wasn’t meant to be rude but I gave her a strict lecture about it.

We mentioned seeing someone she knew ‘oh aye him, wouldn’t give ye the reek aff his
Pish!’

Always ironed her pants and was affronted that I didn’t ‘what if you fell over and your skirt went up and everyone saw you hadn’t ironed your pants!’ Can’t say it’s ever happened and if someone trips you don’t try to check if they ironed their pants. When my mother had an operation and then my uncle she said sadly ‘I didn’t make you two Very well!’

Totally outing but the day she asked us what a prevert was as teens was pretty hilarious

My Gm was telling me about my Df new Gf and she said shes a flat back that one.

My grandma said to me 'so are you going to do it the right way or not then?' when I told her I was pregnant - she was referring to whether or not I would marry before or after the baby was born! Reading it sounds like she was being mean but it was actually said with such kindness!

I used to buy my nan romance books as she enjoyed reading them. (I didn’t read them first just went by title and cover). She would pass them on to my mum after who told me that one I’d give had loads of raunchy sex in it. My mum said she was really embarrassed by me!

Next time I saw my nan:
Me: Sorry nan, apparently that last book I bought you was a bit blue. I’ll be more careful next time.
Her: Oh no, I really enjoyed that one! Are there any more in that series?

(She was 90 at the time!)

If a person she encountered were from a different country she would tell me where they were from and then say 'but he/she was lovely'. I used to try to explain why she didn't need the 'but'. Also when she unwrapped a present she unfailingly said 'you must have shares in sellotape' . She made lovely cakes though, shame grans aren't around forever :-(

My late gran told my DM that the flat opposite her watched ‘them blue films’ as she could see them through the window. As said window was over the other side of a quite wide road DM asked her how she could see that far. Transpired that the neighbours had a sun bed and she could see the blue light it emitted. She thought the rude films were literally blue. 😂

Mine on bedmaking in the morning. 'Always pull the covers right back to let the little night gases escape.'

Oh string and glitter my nan had a full bookcase of mills and boon in the spare room. If I was ever off school sick as a child I would be taken to hers as parents both worked ft and tucked up in spare bed and would spend the day being served soup and reading her collection! From a very young age!!

Also just remembered a few years ago she bought my then 13ish year old dd an erotic novel by accident for Christmas! Dd was a big reader and had made a book list and she had got one of the titles wrong! I love this thread, it's bringing back some very happy memories of one of my favourite ever people. Thank you op

My nan knitted me a bikini for our first holiday abroad in the 70s & was most put out when I wouldn't wear it in the pool.

No meeting my first boyfriend aged 15 "you be sure and keep your cock in its own hen house"

Another! My nan upon meeting my brothers first serious girlfriend for the first time said " you're a busty girl you might fit these, no one else does" and gave her a bag of her old bras! My brother still recalls this as the most embarrassing incident of his whole life!

What I loved about her most was that every boyfriend of mine was always worshipped and loved by her until we broke up when she would always declare " I never liked him anyway"

My great aunt "I wouldn't get married again if he had a diamond studded arsehole"

She also used to regularly declare that she wouldn't kick Alfie boe out of bed!