Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

When discussing my wedding plans my Nan started telling me that my late DMs wedding veil was still in their attic.

Without drawing breath my Nan added "then again, it's white and you won't be wearing white will you?"

Poor DH (to be) almost choked on his cuppa and my Grandad looked ready to choke my Nan

Same Nan used to tell me the second I walked in her house that I had piled weight on...... then proceed to get all the cakes and biscuits out while my Grandad fried something for me

When meeting dh for the first time ‘oooo you got a bit of dark in you don’t you’. He’s Spanish heritage but you wouldn’t think it!
And to my ex ‘what you doing with her? You’re raf. You could have a lovely skinny lne’

Literally on her death bed my gran could hear us but was too far out of it to open her eyes..my brother lives in another city and couldn't get there in time so I said 'gran db is fine and he loves you' she grunted so I repeated myself to which she said 'I know you've already told me' still tickles me that I got a bit of a smart response before she passed,she was brilliant.

When I was a teenager my 80 odd year old grandma ‘always carry condoms if you want some slap and tickle’ I used to cringe and want the ground to swallow me up she was also the least racist lady you could meet but asked a black lady in M&S is the trousers come in ‘ni**er brown’

My gran has Alzheimers, its managed reasonably and not in late stages but my god she's getting sharper.

I split care with my mam, yesterday I went up at dinner time with her dinner.

Granny "it's Thursday I've no one visiting me today have I?"

Me "I'm here now, my mam will bring your tea up and I'll come and see you into bed tonight"

Granny "no one special then?"

"Special" visitors include my feckless useless uncle (her son) once in a blue moon, hairdresser once a fortnight and cleaner once a week, oh and the window cleaner.

Luckily I'm thick skinned!

Oh I forgot this most recent one, my aunt and uncle are coming back to live in the U.K. after 30 or so years in Canada:
Me: 'That'll be nice for you to see them more often, Nan'
Nan: 'They're only coming cos they think I'll be dead soon, they're measuring me up for my grave'

'Legs so bandy she couldn't stop a pig up a ginnel '
'Don't pick yer nose or it will be as big as a monkeys foot' (never understood that one)
'Worse things happen at Sea'
Yep Granny had a phrase for all occasions.

I've remembered a few more...

If I complained about the quality of something... "well, you don't get hummingbirds for sixpence"

Another of her favourites, can't think of an exact example, was "the boy who nearly found sixpence" said very scathingly.

She couldn’t stop a pig in an alley with those legs.

Two different grans:

Gran 1: Out for a meal with Gran and my siblings when we were all early teens.?Sis asked Gran for a Fanta. When the waitress came she got forgot the name and ended up asking for a ‘gassy orange’ and then got very cross when the poor waitress couldn’t understand what she wanted. Gassy orange for some reason that still really tickles me.

Gran 2: At the dinner table. My Dad was complaining of an itchy leg, an allergic reaction to something. Gran (his mum) points her fork at my Mum (his wife of 25 years) and says ‘That’s you, that is. You’ve given him an infection.’ Silence.

My gran once made my mum and dad go with her to her church coffee morning. My dad took a sip of his coffee and remarked gloomily that it was the worst coffee he'd ever tasted. And when the lady came round to ask if everything was all right, my gran smiled confidingly up at her and said, "D'you know, my son says this is the worst coffee he's ever tasted." I love this story because it sums up their entire relationship.

Women were not supposed to whistle according to my Gran. If I whistled she would say 'A whistling woman and a crowing hen will bring the devil out of his den!'
Looking in the mirror if you weren't actually needing to, was vanity according to her and it invited the devil to appear over your shoulder!

My gran ( from belfast) used to tell me if I looked scruffy that I looked like a Catholic. Dreadful.

The woman I considered my nan and loved to bits ( actually my great aunt complicated family) used to offer me back gifts I'd bought her forgetting I'd bought them ... " some idiot bought me this but you have it...." she passed away four years ago and I still miss her. Such a character and even my memories of her make me laugh.

My MIL (so the DCs granny) swears blind she saw the Pyramids when she visited Lourdes in the south of France. She wasn't overly impressed and doesn't understand why people make special trips to see them. I think she meant the Pyrenees?

My grandad had emphysema and so had a lot of nebulisers - once he sat surrounded by smoke puffing away on the nebs and turned to me and my brother and said "I could close my eyes and be back in an opium den" And then he laughed so much at the on our faces he couldn't actually breathe

My nanna used to tell me 'everybody has a gift, even if it's just the gift of the gab', used to love that one. She taught me a poem when I was little ' Shit, shite, and cacky, all went out to tea, Shit let flight with a ball of shite, right in cacky's tea.' My dad was non too impressed with that one. She answered the door once whilst I was there to the police doing door to door enquiries. She opened the door and said ' Our name might be *(Irish surname), but we're nothing to do with the IRA,' and slammed the door. I have no idea what that was about. We have never lived in Ireland.

Dh's great aunt told me that I should get the coach home because "nice girls don't use trains dear".

My granny is convinced I'm 5ft 5in. I'm 5ft 1in but she's shrinking and in denial.

Not my granny but a little belfast granny who was dear to my heart.
She had a dislike of a person one day and the girl said to her “ y’know you can get someone wrong Edie” Edie folded her arms over her chest gave her and up and down death stare and said “ you can’t fucking half” I loved Edie.

My wee granny when talking about how she met my now passed grandad.
"We actually had an arranged marriage."
Me totally shocked said "oh my god really!?"
Her "Aye I arranged it."

Still makes me laugh when I think about it.

My nan when I was looking for a new job in a new field told me " don't forget, you're sitting on a goldmine" hahahaha!

And on taking a new boyfriend round to meet them when I was 16 ish
He was slightly older 18 maybe with a car. She handed me a polo on the way out and said " keep that inbetween your knees on the way home please missy" laughing her socks off as she said it.

I'm convinced Katherine Tate's Nan is based on my own Cockney Grandmother.

A conversation between my Nan and my fifteen year old self while she perused page 3 of The Sun;
"Ere, you could do this." (Turns topless pick of Sam Fox in my direction)
"I really wouldn't want to Nan!"
"You know what your trouble is?" Nan shakes head sadly. "You've got no ambition."

My Nan announced one Christmas that she didn't know why we were celebrating Jesus's birthday because "He was a jew, and we're Christians!"

“Can’t you buy 3ply? My fingers have just gone right through that thin stuff”
😳

Anerak was your Granny welsh?! That was totally my Nan's motto for life! It was practically the law to worry , as this kept things going wrong. Apparently this was how welsh people lived so long, according to her

Nan: would you like a turkey sandwich
Me: no thanks nan, I'm vegetarian
Nan: it's only turkey!!