Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

Not gran but an elderly relative asked at the dinner table what oral sex was.
There was a horrified silence as everyone paused with their forks halfway to their mouths, except for her quick thinking son in law who told her it was talking during sex.
“Oh,” she said in disappointment. “I thought it was something more exciting than that.”

Just spent an hr doing my hair and curling it for a wedding and was ready so sat in the living room next to my nan..she looks and me and says "you not gonna do your hair??", i said i have... nan" gosh it looks like steel wool" ... the shaaaame. My nani was not shy with her words lol

My mil so not my gran but my kids gran, rang the hairdressers one day looking to get a blow job!! had to try really hard not to laugh.

My Nanny was amazing

Often said -

don’t tie yourself to a man and marriage when you are young there is so much more to life

From the day you find out your are pregnant that’s it you never stop worrying

Many things that people would do was “as common as muck”

Men are only after one thing and if they are not it’s becuase they are probably (lowered voice) puffs

I told her once I had asked for a pay rise. She was absolutely horrified and replied “why when you have such a nice little job what will they think of you”. I got a better deal than I asked for but my nanny still wasn’t impressed

What others thought of you was something my nanny was rather obsessed by

I miss her everyday and one of my biggest regrets is her (and my granddad) not seeing me settled and happy. she was right she never did stop worrying I get that now they would have absolutely adored ds

Back in the 60s, when slacks for women were coming into fashion, my nan apparently said ‘well, that’s just asking for trouble.’

As we stood around her deathbed "well don't all look so bloody sad then!" We were surprised and laughed as she hadn't the strength to say hardly anything at that point and sounded just like her old self in that moment.

She passed on a few hours later.

"She's t'much off" meaning someone to is too full of themselves

Loudly telling everyone in a cafe how she’d just come back from Ireland and the prices were different to here. To get her point across, she listed every item and its price in the Irish currency at the time; the Cunt

So so many from my dear old Granny, wish I’d written them down.
Of the least offensive - ‘she’s got lovely plump girls skin’
When me, my other grandmother and aunt were sat on the sofa ‘oh look, three fat ladies sat in a row’

On Christmas morning, my wonderful, glamorous other Grandmother wearing a full face of make up and velour tracksuit, Dear old Granny piped up ‘now dear, don’t you think you ought to go and get changed now? The cameras will be out in a minute’.

I miss her SO much

I'm 34 and not eaten lamb for 30 years.
Recently we went to hers for lunch.
Me:what's for lunch nan?
Nan:roast lamb
Me: you know I don't eat lamb
Nan: oh, I thought you might have grown out of that now.

My great great aunt when I was 15 and she must have been in her 80's
GGA: (in a great cackaly cockney accent) now tell me dear, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: no
GGA : That's right bean! Play the field, test a few out and see what you like!.

The stuff mine comes out with is too racist to say

My dear old IrishCatholic (now sadly dead) nan:

Upon hearing that a male celeb had undergone a vasectomy: 'Never could stand the man and now he's a EUNUCH!'

When the GP asked her about family history (early stages of dementia), my Auntie informed him that her dad was a British soldier in Ireland: 'No he wasn't! He was a HUSSAR!'

Esther Rantzen wasn't exactly flavour of the month, either: 'that woman has witch's teeth!'

My gran... speaking about her lovely neighbour...'oh Teresa is fine, I mean she's.. . (At this starts drawing letters in the air) me: what gran?
Gran: you know (draws letters again and mouths RC)
Me: she's what now?
Gran: oh for goodness sake she's RC.

I gave up and asked my dad... turns out the neighbour is Roman Catholic.
West coast of Scotland and my gran acted like they ate babies or something😂

Couple of DGM classics.
Neighbour who had flirted with her husband " fur coat and no knickers that one" "Lady muck just because she got the first inside bog in the street" and woe betide anyone who put new shoes on the table or opened as umbrella indoors equivalent to breaking a whole room full of mirrors.

When I was at Middle School (36years ago) my darling late Grandma came out with 'If they taught you properly at school, they wouldn't need to give you homework!'....

Now I'm a mum of a 13 year old, I half see her point!

Don't sit on the floor it'll give you piles.

Cup of tea with Bubbles on top - 'money in that cup girl'

What the fuck she's on about I don't know. But god I love them both!

My gran informed my father (her DS) that she'd spent the day painting the dildo rail in the hall. She meant dado rail.

My father spat his coffee across the kitchen.

Gran (in a loud stage whisper at a local restaurant) 'That's the one who was arrested for kerb crawling...' as our local councillor came in with his wife.

Gran to friend: How's your mum?
Friend: oh, my mum has passed away...
Gran: Are you sure?

nan - "You'm looking fat"
My sister - "I had a baby last week"

My Granny when the house work was done, always said that's more Protestant looking now!

Granny would get up at 5 to ‘do the house through’ and when it was all done would tell everyone the house had had a ‘good bottoming’

@ScribblyGum
I grew up in Luton and didn't have my bag stolen -ever

Not my gran but my elderly dm speaks scathingly about women who have “had more men than days of the week.”
Not impressed with me pointing out that seven would be considered a fairly low or average number of partners by most people these days!

My dear dear Gran, when she got back from a church service “well the vicars awfy nice but does she know that God wouldn’t love her any less if she combed her hair and pit a bit a lipstick oan”.

My gran didn’t put the bins out with out her lipstick on 😂