Your grans classics

[DeepFatFriar]

Classics your gran has come out with?
Mine:

(When smoking by the front door):
"Come in off the street for godsake girl, you look like a prostitute"
And:
"Don't you WANT to be attractive?"

@LightDrizzle

“You could ride bare-arsed to London on that knife!”

Best one ever! 🤣

Over Christmas dinner a few years ago when talk somehow turned to George Michael:

"I don't think anyone can comment on his personal life. He might have been in that toilet for so long because he had a urine infection."

“Sensible at sixteen, deadly dull at twenty one.”

Probably after I’d done some teenage silliness. I loved my grandma.

beef to the heels

Oh my god it's been so long since I heard that one I didn't know I knew it until you said it!

at George Michael's UTI!

I LOVE yours, Daffodil!

I was lanky/thin as a kid and my nan used to say 'Thoroughbreds are never fat.'

@toomuchtooold

beef to the heels

That's an Irish one - "beef to the heel, like a Mullingar heifer".

An old boss used to sniff disapprovingly if some youngster was too prissy and whisper to me "slept too long with the granny"

GM: "You're very pretty, you know?"
Me: "Aw, thanks very much Grandma. So were you when you were younger."
GM: "No I wasn't. I was plain which I am grateful for because I still look ok now. Pretty doesn't last"

She then proceeded to tell a 14 year old me about how her pretty friends' looks went down the pan quickly but all the plain ones aged well. Cheeky mare

On the other side of the family the phrase "they stood on Wendover hill and threw them buggers in" was used to refer to things like scones that didn't have much fruit in them.

'We, he's a handsome looking fella, isn't he?'

Wistful sigh...

'If I'd not met your Grandad...'

Whilst watching footage of Mikhael Gorbachev on the news

Jean at the end of our Lane is old enough to be everyone's Granma and acts like it has been coming out with some classics recently. Her partner (yup they live together not married shes 80 odd but likes a bit to help her along apparently) likes his holidays and she has told him to just go and leave her at home - because going on holiday with him is like taking yer coals to Newcastle....

Had me and my neighbour in stitches

Gran: have you lost weight?
Me: yes
Gran: good! You needed to.

a button hole in a fur coat was plenty excitement enough

Not entirely sure I get that, but I have my suspicions 🤣

Apologies, I've been reading the thread backward so just came on the original 'beef to the heel' post and see it was quoted in full.

My mother to her rather pudgy GS - "you'll never get a girlfriend if you don't lose weight". I said to her later "Why did you say something so awful to him?" and she said "someone has to tell him!" ☹️

When I took newborn DD to see my great gran in hospital she looked me up and down and said "oh thank god you haven't got that great big fat belly anymore"

Yes, that was my baby inside of me.

SingingSands

My friend visited her granddad and said commented that he had lost weight. He replied, "we can't all be as fat as you, love!"

My Nan's most classic sayings are too racist to post here, but one time we were in M&S and I was buying pants, 'Oh don't buy them, Jam, they're crack creepers'

"A whistling girl and a crowing hen will frighten the devil out of his den".

(whistling was not very ladylike, in other words!)

I've heard the knife one before, but not from my grandma. "You could ride bareback to Coventry on that". Presumably a Lady Godiva reference.

When I asked her if my cousin who was getting married was taking his name
'Of course she is! What a silly thing to ask!'

The first time she ever met DH, when we'd been going out about 6 weeks and I had tonsillitis (ended up in hospital) she sat him down to tell him he better be careful because my contraception wouldn't be working whilst on antibiotics

'I know everything about Bob Marley except how many women he's slept with, but I don't think even he knew that'

There's no one quite like her.

Ah this thread is lovely and has made me miss my dear Nana! The saying that has always stuck with me is "treat em mean keep em keen"
She was right about that too because all the boys I didn't like were massively keen on me and vice versa so the theory works !

When my DM told her my sister was pregnant, with long term partners baby “what, how can she be? I don’t remember her getting married”

When I first introduced her to my OH she said to me “oh cheese, you don’t get any thinner do you, fatty!”

When she first met an ex BF, years back, “I would never have put you with a darkie, I guess that’s what happens when you move to london. It’s all modern there. ” He was sat right next to me. He found it hilarious but I wanted the ground to swallow me up!

Daughter invited a friend to stay over Christmas, He'll sleep on the floor in my room, it's OK because he's gay!

After Christmas MIL commented Gay? Gay? I thought he was a miserable sod!
Watching Dirty Dancing, Oh, they'll do their backs in.

"I didn't know a penis could be soft until after I was married and I thought there was something wrong".
And a damaging one:
"If you don't keep a worry at all times, fate will make things will go wrong"

Watching Dirty Dancing, Oh, they'll do their backs in.

I nearly wet myself with that one.

When I told her I was getting divorced because H was having an affair, she said 'well men have their needs dear' !

My favorite memory of my nan is when she went into a car showroom with my mother to buy a new car. The sales assistant come over and asked her if she was looking for a three door or a five door. To which she replied “no, I only want one door- it’s only for me!”
My mum was pissing herself

Bless her, she was getting confused in her old age