MIL and her picnic hamster

[insancerre]

On a visit to MIL for her birthday
She told us SIL has bought BIL a picnic hamster as a present
After several silent moments during which DH and I tried desperately hard to contain ourselves and not look at each other, she finally announced it was in fact, a picnic hamper
DH calmly said " a hamster is a small, furry creature"

It's comedy gold here
Any good MILisms where you are?

My friend once called a shetland pony a compressed horse (english not first language) which I couldn't stop laughing at. I will always call them compressed horses now.

On the language slips: I told my DP to have a look at these amazing testicles on the rocks in the winter time. I meant icicles...

My DM refers to her cluttered cupboard as "the glory hole". I haven't the heart to tell her.

My late mum was full of them.

To DD before a school trip to Paris "don't forget your artillery!" DD swiftly replied "I'm going to Paris nan not the front line "

To my dad one stormy night "oooh it's a crucial wind". To this day still have no idea what that one was supposed to be.

My favourite was the evening she called me after a visit to the new clinic and told me they had new signs up and everything and she'd "seen the lobotomist". I tried to explain it was the phlebotomyist but it may have been lost in the laughter.

I asked in the chemist last week for a thrush suppository.
I had to convince the woman that I did actually know which hole I needed to pop it in.

It's a pessary, suppositories go up the bum.

Shop assistant to male customer, about to sign a contract:
"Just put your John Thomas on there".

He meant to say John Hancock which is an American term for a signature.

“I’m a bit ACDC”

3luckystars It's called a cockerel.

I asked for a 'doubledicker' once

Lol@doubledicker 😂

Seems MIL is not alone
Can anyone beat the meal she served us?
Carrots, two different styles, round sliced and batons, cauliflower, sweet corn, peas, some type of green bean, new potatoes, sliced, roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, gravy and LASAGNE

My best friend was at medical school when she agreed to feature in a fashion show. She’s very beautiful, originally from the Middle East, and she and some other girls were in saris. A male friend came up and said: ‘X, you look beautiful. You look like Benazir Bhutto.’ And she replied: ‘Oh that’s charming , that is.’ And he said: ‘She’s well-known for being one of the most beauful women in the world.’ So she replied: ‘Erm, Benazir Bhutto is a man?’ He protesred that she wasn’t, and X said - ‘I’m from that neck of the woods - I think you’ll find I know who Benazir Bhutto is . . . ‘ He apologized and walked off, at which point she looked at me, stricken with horror, and said: ‘ FUCK! I was thinking of Butros Butros Gali . . . ‘

@BlackForestCake - that made me shriek with laughter!

In our history class at school, my friend handed in an essay about the American state of Vagina (virginia). It was misspelled the whole way through

@ReanimatedSGB laughing so much at that

My friends mum ordered some Jerk Off chicken

violet that reminded me of my brother, who handed in his gcse history coursework on the Napoleonic Fornications.

The Alan Rickman story had me truly LOL.

@Puzzledandpissedoff I've said destructions for instructions for years - my mum always did and I've no idea where that came from. I've said it in front of people and they seem to know what I'm talking about. I guess you hear what you are expecting to hear sometimes.

I have a Polish-born, now British, colleague who asked me recently if I had a flat cat (catflap) I replied, um, they were ok this morning! And a wonderful support worker at work took down a message from microbiology that a patient had staphylococcasaurus - her DC was very into dinosaurs at the time

Not quite the same sort of thing, but my ex (a teacher) once mentioned while in a crowded shop that he "needed to stock up on spirits for the kids"

He meant the sort of spirits the old fashioned copying machines used, but from the appalled looks he got it's not what some thought

On a school trip to London my friend's DD visited the Jessica and Albert Museum

I've got an ex that used to say he loved sex because it released lots of dolphins. He meant endorphins

I've said destructions for years too.

My GM used to call the microwave the microphone. The name stuck in our family.

My Nan told us the doctor had "put me on that HIV"

We sincerely hope she meant HRT...

In laws came to our house for dinner. Mil asked if someone could please pass the cunts. She meant carrots...

Dh was telling mil about a 24hr shop. Mil said 'someone will still be rushing in just before it closes'.