MIL and her picnic hamster

[insancerre]

On a visit to MIL for her birthday
She told us SIL has bought BIL a picnic hamster as a present
After several silent moments during which DH and I tried desperately hard to contain ourselves and not look at each other, she finally announced it was in fact, a picnic hamper
DH calmly said " a hamster is a small, furry creature"

It's comedy gold here
Any good MILisms where you are?

I kid you not my DM (we're having a couple of days with them at the mo) was literally asking me about some blood test results and knowledgeably said "Well of course you're at an age now where your hormones go all erotic!" Think she meant erratic...

Not MIL, but as an older child struggled to control myself when my mum's friend (a cat owner) was sitting in our living room, struggling to keep our jack russell dog off our lap and declared "I think he can smell my pussy".

For years I thought the bit in the You're Still the One song was 'just look at a scolded nun' not just look at us holding on. Important to note it was scolded, not scalded. That would make even less sense.

Mine loves a nice cold glass of proscuitto. Never sounded that appealing to me.

Dare I ask what a 'rug muncher' is?

I don't get the jam making the MIL wet

I once twice said my dc was a cannibal as they liked sausages…

Where I used to work we had a very prim middle-aged religious lady in our team. A chap in the team brought in a load of fruit one day. We're all running late for a meeting, someone says 'come on Susan, hurry up'. She responded 'Just got to go and wash my hands first, they're all sticky from handling Bob's plums. We howled. And then had to explain to her why it was funny.

Oh I've got one!
Mums friend was talking about one of their mutual friends, telling my mum "she'd found out she was is a glutton!"
What she meant was the friend had found out she was gluten intolerant, not greedy

Jelly it's a somewhat derogatory (or sometimes jokey, depending on your friendship group) term for a lesbian.

My nan asked if she had blue teeth on her phone

My Nana told me her son's driving was rather erotic.

I suggested she meant erratic and she was rather put out at the correction .

After borrowing my Mum’s glasses to read an information board, my Dad turned to some old ladies next to him and announced “Marvellous things these Tesco testicles”. Spectacles, obviously.

My FIL wondered if his compact-camera had more pickles than mine. Mine had pixels.....

At a family wedding, my DH (not a native English speaker) congratulated my DSis on her "lovely tantalizer"

Germalon goes on grazes according to my DGM. Savlene doesn't exist though.

Ohh I've remembered another from a friend! Instead of saying "Doreen's having her Soreen" she said "Maureen's having a sauna!"

My mum was ringing me to get instructions to pass to my dad to help get his printer and computer to connect.
I asked if the printer was on his desktop, she said no, it's in the windowsill! I had to put the phone down.

We were visiting elderly relatives and were invited to watch the big tits in their garden Great tits uncle Ted , the birds are called great tits.

When exDH and I had just come back from a long haul flight, exMIL piped up, “You ought to be careful in case you get one of those DVDs in your legs.”

My mum was short on cash to give to an old man selling poppies so she said “you don’t mind taking a load of shrapnel do you?”

Back in the days when almost all day to day transactions were with cash, you quickly acquired large amounts of small change, and "shrapnel" was a frequently used colloquialism for a handful of small coins.

My oh's father, who is 91, suffers from, according to him, gluecoma, prostrate cancer and arthuritis.

My mum has had a couple of funny ones,

She told me my Aunt has a case of jaunders, upon my confusions and further questioning my Aunt actually had jaundice

Another time, she asked me if I have ever tried muse a lie
I told her no and asked what it is..she described it and i realised she meant Muesli

Mil once expressed great concern that dh and I were going on holiday go Biarritz as it was very dangerous. After several minutes of confusion we realised she thought Biarritz and Beirut are the same place