MIL and her picnic hamster

[insancerre]

On a visit to MIL for her birthday
She told us SIL has bought BIL a picnic hamster as a present
After several silent moments during which DH and I tried desperately hard to contain ourselves and not look at each other, she finally announced it was in fact, a picnic hamper
DH calmly said " a hamster is a small, furry creature"

It's comedy gold here
Any good MILisms where you are?

Dear friend (English not first language) told her hubby not to beat himself around the bush 😂
Step brother told dm he liked her clitoris (clematis)
First time I met step father he was trying to make a good impression (I was a stroppy teen). He was regaling about his fish tank then told me he had crabs!!! I pissed myself laughing & he was highly embarrassed 😂😂😂😂😂😂.
Dd on holiday, listening to rep telling us about trips. The was a boat trip on a catamaran. She said I didn't know we were near Spain! (We weren't!!)
Dm when she gets confused says she doesn't know if she's Arthur or Martha.... I've had to explain that one as she was telling hospital staff this 😂

I'm laughing my head off reading all these comments hilarious 😂😂
My lovely mum quite often gets her words wrong, she once told me a friend of mine from school who was on a gap year was hunch backing around Australia 😂😂 she's never lived that one down bless her

Youngest dd, who is nearly 14, saw a hippo at the safari park but couldn’t remember what it was called. Eventually she exclaimed, “I know, it’s a hottapotamus!”

doesn't know if she's Arthur or Martha

To be fair, I recently had cause to look this up for someone who had never heard of the phrase at all, and was surprised to find that all the references were of the ‘doesn’t know if he’s coming or going ‘ sense rather than being about sexuality.

MIL asked if we'd got our new sofa from MI5.

MorningsEleven

My MIL's homemade jam makes her wet.

Hahaha!!! Completely pissing myself/snorting with laughter at that!!

Not MIL but DS1 used to always ask loudly (i.e. shouting) at the till in our local supermarket for cockporn!!!! I can't tell you how red I'd go! Obviously he meant popcorn!

My mum went on about how much she loved ‘Inks’. We thought she wanted a tattoo. Turns out she liked the music of INXS!

Some of these are absolutely fantastic

My mother and I were listening to the song "feels" the other day and she said "what stupid lyrics" and I asked what she meant and she said "who writes a song about catching fish?" - she thought the lyrics were "if you wanna catch fiiiiiiiissshhhhh". TBF it's not any more ridiculous than the actual lyrics, but it made me laugh. A lot.

My DM has done lots of these. Things like
Don't go burning the midnight owl
Oh I forgot to buy viagra at the supermarket (she meant viakal)
Did you manage to get a loin cloth (she meant oil cloth)

My mum used to sing 'every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you' which we found hilarious !

My Granny used to ask my Dad to bring a can of UB40 round to oil the gate - she meant WD40

My lovely MIL introduced me to all her friends in the WI shop where she worked when I was pregnant "this is my DIL the one I was telling you about who's having a HIV baby! What she actually meant was IVF baby!!

Oh my great-aunt once sung "Anything you can do, I will go get her!"
It made no sense but it was hilarious!

My mum once ordered 'Nachos the 5th' in a restaurant- it was Nachos (V) to indicate a vegetarian dish 🤣
I laughed SO hard at this, it's really tickled me!

I'm a secondary school teacher and I'd allowed the class to have a bit of a moan about something - a large group of Year 13 boys - and it triggered a bit of a squabble between some of the lads. I quietened them all and stated that "I had no intention of starting a mass debate amongst them all"; cur lots of sniggering and grinning from the whole class. As I said it I though "oh Shit no" but my brain was already set and out it came.

I think they all realised that it was a genuine slip up when they saw how red I became.

This was me as a child. We were on holiday in the states and for some reason the server asked if we were all christian. I replied (in a strong laandon accent) "leave it out we're all prostitutes". I meant protestant.

My Dad is Jamaican and has always pronounced Kiddiminster as Kiddi-minister.

So it’s a small vicar for children then Dad and not a town in the Midlands yeah?

My mum was concerned when I bought a steamer to cook in as she didn't like the idea of mixing water and electricity... I asked her how her iron, kettle, washing machine, dishwasher and errr steam cleaner worked 😀

My Grandad ordered a giraffe of wine in our local restaurant.

I was once talking to my mother about my partners job (he's in security) and proceeded to tell her he had had to ejaculate someone from a venue (meant eject!!)

My lovely nana used to come out with some crackers
About seeing carol vorderman on the telly ‘oh I bet she gets a good screw’ (apparently this means she earns a good salary
Oh and when ds1 was a baby, dh was blowing raspberries on his tummy, she cane out with the gem ‘oh he loves it when you go down on him’
She’d never have a clue why we were both Killing ourselves laughing

My ex MIL (being the drama queen she is) was talking about SIL finding a lump.
"She has to go for a biopsy and may have to have a vasectomy" 😁

My lovely husband who has been working on my new kitchen all day and just gone to get some rest...has been woken up by my manic cackling..this is a brilliant thread

My niece talking about a new boy in school.
"Matthew is a lesbian mum"
After explaining to her that he cannot be a lesbian, my niece very indignantly said "Matthew is a lesbian, he doesn't eat meat"
After we stopped laughing, my sister explained that he was a vegetarian not lesbian

My aunt is going to a posh wedding. She has just told me she’s not going to wear a hat because she has found the perfect fornicater to go with her outfit.