MIL and her picnic hamster

[insancerre]

On a visit to MIL for her birthday
She told us SIL has bought BIL a picnic hamster as a present
After several silent moments during which DH and I tried desperately hard to contain ourselves and not look at each other, she finally announced it was in fact, a picnic hamper
DH calmly said " a hamster is a small, furry creature"

It's comedy gold here
Any good MILisms where you are?

MIL thought boursin cheese was pronounced bour-skin. I eventually explained what i was laughing at.....It is now always referred to as foreskin cheese in our family.

These are hilarious! My mum once ordered 'Nachos the 5th' in a restaurant- it was Nachos (V) to indicate a vegetarian dish 🤣

My mum told everyone that I had contracted "ghengis" fever in Mexico many years ago...like ghengis khan...family and friends thought I had some rare disease.
It was dengue fever

I overhead my mother having a conversation with another family member about my niece.
Niece had just given birth to a much awaited child ( due to conception difficulties) - my mother said " she was so lucky to get HIV"

IVF I presume she meant

My ex MIL,

On the occasion of a wood pigeon coming down in our garden. My FIL helped him back off by launching him into the sky (fortunately he flew!)

My MIL laughing explodes with 'Oh my! He thought he was in a ejaculator seat!'

My nan had an appointment at the doctors

When she was asked if she was on any medication she said yes, im on HIV tablets.

She meant HRT.

The nurse was torn between laughing and keeping a straight face

When I was visiting mum she asked me to get a box from the cupboard under the stairs...she lived in a bungalow.
My dc still tease me about the time we were on a moorland road and a sheep ran along the middle of the road. I said,”Don’t worry sheep, I’m not planning to make you into bacon!”

Mine served us our Christmas dinner starter from her new soup latrine. She was so proud of it.

I once worked In a sexual health clinic, my Granny took great pride in telling everyone "Our gin's a sex worker".
In a slow cooker group on FB someone had once posted before checking the autocorrect and asked "can I cook a joint of gammon in a can of diet cum?".

Late dgf called olbas oil ob-las oil.

Not MIL, but someone I know asked the waiter at a restaurant for "battered pillock and chips please". He looked abhorred, wrote it down, and then the penny dropped. He didn't change it on his sheet as far as I know, so there would have been some hysterical chefs!

My gran apparently had a dildo rail around the living room!

Overheard on a bus going past the hospital,
"Our Danny's in there, he's very poorly, they've got him in insensitive care."
I've always hoped he made a good recovery!

My mum gets place names muddled up, we have a nice pub nearby called the Snowy Owl, we were deciding where to go for Sunday lunch one weekend when mum said ‘the White Pussy is always nice’. It’s bern known as White Pussy ever since!

Ex’s DGM: on seeing TV footage of starving PoWs - Look, they’re completely emancipated!
On hearing that I was going to Norway on holiday - Is she cycling round the Fords?
Ex did well in his 1st year uni exams, was given a scholarship and thus became an Exhibitioner for a year. He thought about his DGM and her tendency to tell everyone in the small town (he also lived in) about her clever DGS...and told her he was a Scholar.

(And yes, some deliberate ones are still funny. Dried dandruff-like coconut fully deserves my retitling as desecrated coconut.)

MIL once got shocked and declared "I nearly had a tarka hat" ......we were thinking otters etc!

Ex colleague - obeast instead of obese, going off on a tandem instead of tangent, best of all was groups of people unfriendly to others outside the group were clitty instead of clique-y!!

My gran on different occasions was going to trim back her clitorises and dead head the penises
No wonder grandad didn't share her liking for gardening

Haha! Recently MIL said "we went to Tatton Park today and saw some amazing displays of gonnorhea!" Turns out she meant gunnera, which are giant rhubarb

My 6 year old daughter was bragging to her brother that she had had a Nutella "crap" that morning and he didn't....obviously she had a "crepe" 😂

My friend's DM used to dread long car journeys and would say to her DH... "but John, it's such a wank down to Devon!"

Certificates are always 'stestifficates' in our house as my DC1 could never pronounce it. We all call them that!

Not my MIL, my auntie, who said she needed some Semtex for her blocked nose

I've got another one! I told someone that I took a screenshit of their joke once...

I also texted someone about their locker... and only noticed after I'd sent the message that I'd written "licker"!

my uncle bill was telling me about another cousin's house and that he was well impressed with the big 'suzuki' bath! Took me a few minutes to figure out he meant jacuzzi...

My mum has come out with some good ones

Oh they had some lovely alpaca singing at the concert
He went wild water canoeing and shot the rabbits
She's nice but she goes on a bit. She's always going off on a tandem