Apparently, I'm Dead.

[BigFatFanny]

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun )

Brilliant. I'd be milking this for all it's worth 😂

I've just realised that this is the best excuse ever!

"Honey, when you're at the supermarket, can you please get some raspberry jam?"
"Nope. Sorry. I'm dead."

"Can you make my lunch while I take a long poo while reading on my phone?"
"Nope. I'm dead, remember?"

"Mum, can I please have a drink?"
"Ask your father.... Mummy's dead, darling."

"Sweetiepiehoneybunnydarlingangelfairy, it's been a while since...."
"I'm dead, you freak! Don't touch me!!!"

Also - dead people get flowers. Lots of flowers. Where are your flowers?

I really need to know how you died, any thoughts on flowers or a charity contribution?

This is my favourite post for ages. Maybe you are dead and all of us are like Life On Mars characters in your subconscious. Could DH be your Gene Hunt (with additional tea?).

This has cheered me up this morning (sorry)!!!

I am imagining the friends moment when Ross pretends to die and holds a memorial night, will your DH co operate? Just a Few picky bits hun xx

If there is facebook in the afterlife I'm afraid it sounds like you have gone straight to hell. No wonder you're mist, you've evaporated.

Right!

UNKNOWN NAME has been confirmed by DH to be the class dramallama from his brothers year at school, I've got her pegged as M0 with the candlestick in the billiard room!

I need to hear back from M1, she was the first one to post on my timeline so surely she must have heard from someone offline and therefore whoever she heard from must be M0 or at least connected to M0.

My working theory is:
M0 (either UNKNOWN NAME or similar) knows me very very vaguely and in order to spark interesting conversation, tells people I've died and how etc. She/ he reckons I'm obscure enough not to be in contact with people so I'm a safe person to imaginarily bump off.

There's then a game of Chinese whispers through old school friends etc until the rumour hits people who actually know me, culminating in M1 posting on my timeline. This then solidifies the rumour so M's 2-12 then also post. Meanwhile, Chinese whispers continue so some people hear the story offline, some online etc etc etc.

Well, as an Irish person, I reckon there's only one thing for it.

Have a rocking wake.

can you call in dead to work
But according to another thread she won't be able to post on social media if she does that.

I cannot wait to find out how you died. Do you think it was something dramatic or did you just pass away peacefully??

This is amazing, I'd be messaging friends who DIDN'T post mourning statements, demanding to know why they didn't care

Have you claimed for your accident?

Shameless placemark. This is brilliant!

PLEASE hold a memorial! You could stand in the corner of the room just staring, and DH could pretend not to see you whenever anyone points you out.

Sorry you’re dead by the way. Gone but not forgotten. R.I.P. You were too good for this world, fly high etc.

You’re sure you haven’t got it wrong and UNKNOWN NAME is right? Have you had someone check your pulse, just to make sure?

Congrats on your awesome death OP. :D

May I just ask, while you're still here, are there death in the afterlife?

This is brilliant!

You're right though, who drops dead on a dreary tuesday morning? You want to go out with a bang, I'm think 1am on a friday with thunder and lightening to make your passing that bit more dramatic.

Desperate to hear how you died!

I sent flowers but as you're still alive, please may I have them back or have a refund? It's very hard to find a bunch of Love-In-The-Mist at this time of year.

This is absolutely the funniest death related thread I have ever read - I am literally in tears!

Read TWT really quickly as someone is coming to my office for an appointment at 10.15. Now realise that I can't actually sit refreshing the thread while I have a serious chat with them. Gah!

Bloody love this!!! Funniest thing I've read for a long time!

(But just incase you are actually dead and it's like the Sixth Sense, my deepest condolences )

People who wonder if there's life after death need wonder no more!

Fenella I've held a mirror under my nose and everything, all the signs are positive.

justilou EXCELLENT point, where ARE my flowers??

DH has already brought up the necrophilia angle, he's demanding proof of life before anything happens.. I've offered to cut off my ear and post it to him This evening I'm going to lie in bed with my arms folded neatly across my chest though, that's a given.

F) the only person ACTUALLY alive and the rest of the world is just a holographic projection to help you through life on this barren and uninhabited planet, and the aliens have created the world to keep you happy?

Is this how some people eat so much cake and still appear to be thin? Because it's hologram-cake going into a hologram?

I'm not very good at Physics.