Apparently, I'm Dead.

[BigFatFanny]

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun )

Postcode.. thanks to that post I've just locked my office door...

12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

Just how dim would you have to be to send a message to someone you thought was dead? It's not like the recipient world ever read it unless they were Jesus Christ (or indeed OP)!

Hmmm it was M4's tagee in the library with the candlestick

Rookie mistake OP. Assassin now knows where you are...

So, are you or aren't you mist yet, hun? Really need to know now.

This is amazing! 😂 Patiently waiting to find out how you died!

Lol, BFF. Must be a case of mistaken identity.

Something similar happened to my friend's DH. He had an episode of tachycardia and had to go into hospital for cardioversion to sort it out. The local bush telegraph went into overdrive and the story was exagerrated to the point that he'd died of a heart attack.

When he walked into the pub the day after his supposed demise, several people nearly had heart attacks at the sight of his "ghost".

I'm so sorry but I find this funny 😂 (am I allowed to)

I just commented so I can check back and see how this pans out because I can't wait!!

P.s. what happens when we die? Oh and err, RIP.

I have another reply!

M7:
'Oh god I can't decide whether this is awful or hilarious!'

Me:
'I'm going with hilarious at the moment but it would be good to find out the source of my demise if possible so I can get to the bottom of it before someone tries to bury me!

Any ideas where this came from?'

M7:
'I met with UNKNOWN NAME yesterday for coffee and she asked if I'd heard you'd passed away! Then when I came on fb last night i saw in my feed people had posted on your wall so I thought it must be true!'

Me:
'this is even weirder, who's UNKNOWN NAME??'

M7:
'She was a few years below us at school, she knows you through DH'

(I should explain here DH and I have been together since school so it's not unusual for people to know me through him)

Me:
'Oh right, any idea how she knows I'm dead?'

M7:
'No sorry, want me to ask her though?'

Me:
'Yes please!'

....

WTF.

They say the living are just the dead on holiday.

Maybe you just have jet lag

DH keeps bringing me cups of tea very quietly and then bemoaning dramatically 'she always loved a cup of tea!' before wailing loudly and leaving the room...

Your DH rocks!

I dunno Fanny, but I can't but think you are missing a trick here, you appear to have reincarnated yourself as you instead of taking the plunge and coming back as a pampered cat, a dragon, a butterfly or a Kardashian or something. Only 2 for effort I'm afraid.

By the way have you brought back any messages from the great beyond, I would like to know whether my Great Aunty D really did forge Great Grandfathers signature on the will that robbed us of our inheritance .

You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.... If I was declared dead, I'd stay in bed for weeks. Your husband sounds awesome, btw...
@bridgetreilly, Beethoven was a really talented decomposer, you know....

Glorious thread....but OP I know it's Tuesday but it IS the 13th AND as it's pancake day maybe you are what people are giving up for lent? Or....perhaps DH cba with Valentine's Day tomorrow and now you're helpfully dead he doesn't need to?

How very rude of M1 to not observe fb death etiquette. What made her think it was alright, as a distant one time friend, to be the first person to mourn you? You would surely wait for family and close friends to post first.

And the second thing, she has totally ruined the announcement of your actual death. The one day you get to be the centre of attention ( apart from maybe your wedding). Now when you really die people will just go "oh not again".

I'm seconding a mix up with someone with a similar name. It's got to be, surely?

In the meantime OP I think you should take the week off just in case they are all right about your untimely demise, a week at home should be enough to confirm to you your presence in the land of the living. And maybe a spa day

Organise a reunion get together, now your death has brought everyone at school together. Not many people can boast of being at their own wake.

So are you, in fact

A) a zombie?
B) a ghost?
C) granny Weatherwax?
D) an angel?
E) a tardigrade?
F) the only person ACTUALLY alive and the rest of the world is just a holographic projection to help you through life on this barren and uninhabited planet, and the aliens have created the world to keep you happy?

You do know that ? and your DH are in a plot together to drive you crazy, have you declared insane, and run away with your DC.

Now if it was me I'd just tell your DH he doesn't have to drive you insane he can just take the children.

A while ago an unreliable source told me that a friend from our MA course was dead. She was doing a PhD last thing I heard, so I rang up her supervisor (who I knew) and tactfully enquired if she was - er - departed. He was baffled, she was very much alive.

I came pretty close to being UNKNOWN NAME

omg rip hun u is wiv da angles an lady di now fly high

This is bizarre and brilliant. Have you fallen into an episode of Black Mirror?

Do you have anything planned for your wake yet?

This is the funniest death I have ever encountered.

I think, the answer is, you're now a zombie. You just haven't started to crumble yet so non-one has realized you're not entirely alive.

Ah op, I'm so glad you died as your thread has kept me going while waiting at the drs.