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Original poster

Apparently, I'm Dead.

999 replies

BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 08:21

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently Hmm

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun Blush)

OP posts:
WhereIsBlueRabbit · 13/02/2018 20:44

Brilliant thread - I wish I was having Chinese and caterpillar cake for dinner! DP says I have to have jacket potato as I'm not dead but am seriously considering a Tesco run.

Slightly random but has your DH kept his old feet? A good friend of mine from school had a prosthetic leg from being a toddler and apparently all the outgrown ones were in the attic - hope they remember to clear it if they ever move house Grin

MinorRSole · 13/02/2018 20:44

Having joined this thread 34 pages later I am struggling to work out, why, if someone died you would post on their fb page!!

I don't understand that bit at all but the thread was entertaining enough for me to ignore the sheer lack of logic in 'sorry you're dead' style fb posts.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 13/02/2018 20:44

DH does not think that hiding your DH's foot is funny. LTB?

MollyHopps · 13/02/2018 20:45

I hope your DH is careful when he walks in his sparkly Union Jack platforms (I am imagining him as Ginger due to the hair), in case of other-ankle injuries!

I suppose he would have two feet to throw at his band-mates, mind you. Swings and roundabouts!

Talou7 · 13/02/2018 20:45

Reading this thread has been the highlight of my day, and considering I'm a pancake lover that's a pretty impressive feat! Props to you and DH, OP; you both sound like a great couple (other than the sordid affair and possible necrophilia, of course) Grin

Thebestdog · 13/02/2018 20:47

Sort of Happened to my neighbour once. A lady from the next street asked us if she had died - luckily my mum had heard her in her house that morning. Neighbour still has no idea people thought she had died.

yogaginrepeat · 13/02/2018 20:49

Use of the adjective "class". Any chance you and DH are northern Irish OP? Would explain the fab sense of humour too 😉

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 13/02/2018 20:49

Great thread, I hope is doesn’t escalate any more this women sounds really unstable

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 20:50

perfectly oh that’s magic, I love kids for their curiosity and blatant horror in some cases, there’s a beauty in the honesty of it.

DH can always tell when someone is genuinely curious or when they are just ghoulish.. if someone is being a knob and asks him ‘how did you lose your foot?’ He tends to reply ‘carelessness’ Grin

OP posts:
LemonRedwood · 13/02/2018 20:50

Having joined this thread 34 pages later I am struggling to work out, why, if someone died you would post on their fb page!!

I don't understand that bit at all but the thread was entertaining enough for me to ignore the sheer lack of logic in 'sorry you're dead' style fb posts.

Performance grieving.

soupforbrains · 13/02/2018 20:51

Yes BFF there's hours of fun to be hand with prosthetics.

At uni when we weren't nicking/replacing my friends arm we used to move his spare arm round the house and try to put it in places that would make people jump when they cane across it. We lost 3 cleaners through that game...

I've always found them a bit fascinating. Years before I knew anyone who had one my friend's Dad worked in a local factory making them. Sometimes he would bring home ones that hadn't turned out right and we would play with them. The technology now though is amazing. I'm very excited for your DH and his opposable ankle!

Lweji · 13/02/2018 20:52

On a more serious note, make sure you are extra careful crossing the street.
And leave a video message saying she killed you in case you are found dead in mysterious circumstances.

soupforbrains · 13/02/2018 20:52

Oh also... I think I still actually have my original buffalo platform trainer boots (a la Spice Girls) I would happily donate them to your DH if he'd like them, although... they weigh about 4 lb each so I'm slightly concerned they'll just make his foot drop off...

Groovee · 13/02/2018 20:53

Loving the relationship that you and DH have.

Tbh I think M0 could be my SIL. She's rather like this in the drama streaks.

Strokethefurrywall · 13/02/2018 20:58

Gold Star - wonderful thread.

Many highlights, but I think my favorite was the lamenting poem and the final line:

"she's now an angle in the sky" - I don't tend to laugh out loud at any threads but that raised a good chortle.

And I agree with Graphista, Ryan Reynolds is the only one could pull off the humour of DH. Plus he's hot as FUCK.

Boxerlover1958 · 13/02/2018 20:58

I’ve been following this all day and have laughed out loud (and snorted) at so many of the comments here.
You and your Viking sound amazing and have a beautifully warped sense of humour 😂😂
Now that you’re not dead have a great life
I reckon that if I’m somewhere and I see a Viking who is 6’ 7” I’m going to scream “ it’s Mr BFF”
Be prepared for many of us to do the same

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 13/02/2018 20:59

carelessness 😂

Your DH should be a comedian!

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 21:00

We do indeed have a collection of feet right from when DH was tiny! We have them lined up on a shelf in the downstairs loo in chronological order.

DH lost his foot because as an 28 month old, his sister left a storage heater right next to his cot (she was only about 6 at the time) because she thought the baby would be cold. In his sleep, DH got his foot stuck in the bars of his cot right next to the heater and the heat caused such severe burns to the bottom of his foot it had to be amputated. Absolutely horrific for all involved.

Anyway, he had his first prosthetic at 3 years old ish so we have baby feet all the way to his last size 12 Wink

OP posts:
Badweekjustgotworse · 13/02/2018 21:00

Love everything about this thread, including the outraged pearl clutching by one lone outlying MNetter 😂

Is MO still furiously messaging or has she got the message? May be worth putting up a preemptive message on faceache with some sort of death disclaimer / random defamation disclaimer.... oh and lock your doors tonight (and light the fire in case she decides to go totally batshit and do a mr wolf!)

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 21:02

18 months not 28 Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 21:03

She wore herself out I think, no messages for a while although M1 told me she’s called her a couple of times. She sounds exhausting to have as a friend.

OP posts:
pilatesofthecaribbean · 13/02/2018 21:04

OP, have you considered that your DH may be behind this because he is secretly working for the government?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 13/02/2018 21:05

I don't know if baby prosthetic feet are cute or sad.

lurkingnotlurking · 13/02/2018 21:08

How many of those feet has his sister paid for?

Original poster
BigFatFanny · 13/02/2018 21:08

pilates indeed, DH is just the type the government would employ... no filter, stands out like a sore thumb in any room and is missing a foot... truly a top candidate Grin

I’m impressed none of you have suggested the affair was real, he’s been seeing her for months and this was a plan by both of them to gaslight me into believing im dead Grin

And not a single LTB?? I’m almost offended.

OP posts: